The Conditioning & Heart of Men

You may be familiar with bipolar syndrome. It is a diagnosis for a person who has episodes of abnormal energy levels (mood swings) in extreme polar opposites.

Men often portray a (tough) guise as we learn from Jackson Katz. Men need to illustrate their manliness by posturing, stoicism, and dialogue (via ‘The Guy Code’ handbook) to maintain the appearance of their status as a man. Masculinity is a performance a man must act out to express and at the same-time protect his manhood. One of the main reasons men exercise violence as an option is to show the world they’ve lived up to staying inside the socialized box of society’s standards that labels them “a man”. The pressures of the box are never more present than when men are surrounded by the company of other men, and their behaviors may or may not change in the presence of a female (depending on how much she is respected, if any).

The performance of masculinity requires constant self-critique and vigilance to make sure that no one sees misapprehension. Due to the black & white context of the box, there is no gray area. You’re either fully in or you’re fully out. When males reach the age of being able to fully perform, they’ve already internalized all the said tools needed to act out their masculinity. The ideology behind what it means to be a man is so ingrained into the psyche and core of being, that the perception of this performance appears normal, and is believed to be by mostly everyone. 

Over my life span, falling two weeks short of 30 years long, the majority of the men I have met and come to know have huge hearts. They are compassionate, loving, and have an overall concern for the well-being of everyone.But, more specifically, you know who these men have the utmost devotion for? …. Women.Time after time this same majority of men (including my previous self) end up hurting a woman or women in some fashion.

So where’s the disconnection? Does the heart control the mind or does the mind control the heart?

The heart I believe activates the feelings that correlate with when we’re doing something right and/or when we’re doing something wrong. Men are typically socialized to repress and not express emotions when they’re little, because showing emotions is seen as feminine (therefore not manly). Emotions are a human trait, not a gendered one. 

This internalized performance of men has caused extreme distortion in the messages being relayed between the heart and mind. Making the heart desensitized to that which has been conditioned as norm in the mind.

From what I’ve learned of bipolar there are a numerous amount of ups & downs. Men I know who act like the men society has told them they should tend to ride a similar emotional roller-coaster. When they do something they shouldn’t, they feel remorse. When they find out what they’ve been doing isn’t normal behavior toward women, they seem to actively want to create change in that behavior. We raise boys to become men who are in control of their lives in every aspect. The way we show them to have control over their emotions, is to not show the emotions at all. This is a recipe for internal disaster.  

To be clear I’m not suggesting men need to take medicine to deconstruct the conditioning of traditional masculinity.

But….If we can touch the heart of the man and give it inspiration, it can unravel any and all negative conditioning that has been received. 


J

5 Questions About Masculinity.

1. What does being a man mean to you?

Being a man, to me, means embracing the qualities of life that help me to help other's and create a better world for humanity. Being a man is being human. Therefore, being a man means exploring the diversity of human nature, human characteristics, the whole of human individuality  and not only accepting, but also appreciating the (positive) differences in all cultures including my own. Being a man to me means seeking out a sense of self, and purpose, that isn't bound by the shackles of traditional socialization of masculinity  This means looking within to grow and mature my inner-self. Feeling, and processing emotions. Expressing them properly, and constructively. Not out of anger, and violently like how I've been taught is normal, and tolerable for men to do. Being a man, is about being a human role model. Playing a role that is positive in the perspective of all gender identities, and illustrating this thru my behaviors/actions and my integrity, that all humans are equal. Being a man is about being empathetic, loving, compassionate, caring, (mentally & emotionally) strong, altruistic, and being comfortable enough in your (person-hood) manhood to know when to use your voice, when not to. Developing principles to live by structured around the inclusiveness of equality, justice, and love - are essential to being a (human) man. Being a man is being able to free yourself from the narrowed, limiting, and restrictive societal definition of manhood. 

2. Is the societal perspective on the male role positive or negative? Why?

Both. The privilege of the male role typically goes unseen, because that is how the social system we live in (patriarchal) is set-up to function. Invisibility fuels the perpetuation of male privilege & entitlement; which means men aren't talked about enough in the appropriate context. Highly frequent is the 'downfall' fall of men in media. In the societal perspective with the most recent election in mind, and my feminist ideology -- men have a pretty overall negative perspective in society (not saying this isn't justified). We lack in the parenting department, we lack in emotional competence, we cause unjust violence in our country and start it in other parts of the world, and youth males aren't up to speed in academics. On the other-side there are men who contradict the negativity of manhood  and promotion of traditional masculinity. They are men who reject what patriarchy demands of them without worry of repercussions toward the status of their manhood. Men who are confident, nurturing  respectable men --  are out there working toward the betterment of our nation, the world, but are lacking as being vastly seen in the eye of popular or 'normal' manhood. 

3. What are the most crucial elements to healthy masculinity, and how do we promote them?  Or, do we not need to promote healthy masculinity?

The most crucial elements of healthy masculinity are human elements. Our actions/behaviors toward, and about the world are not defined by our anatomy. The most crucial elements of masculinity are those that prosper, and influence the well-being of other's and self as a whole. Kindness, empathy, compassion, understanding, emotional capacity, and love are all crucial elements to the production of healthy masculinity. If we can centralize the conditioning of our youth around core values & beliefs of equality, justice, and love we can make great strides in opening up the rigid definition of what masculinity is today. 

How do we promote it? Learn it, live it, and teach it. We must make the movement toward healthy masculinity a lifestyle, not a practice. 

4. What are the worst elements of masculinity? How do you feel we change them?

I wouldn't say there is a element of masculinity that is the worst. I do think that society has poorly emphasized the wrong attributes of masculinity as the necessary ones (tough, strong, always in control, dominant, etc.). We must change these by reshaping the idea of what it means to be a man in the lens of social normality. Focusing on the more human qualities of men, and less on the outdated concepts of what makes a man be 'a man'.

5. How do you personally work on your own masculinity to be the best person you can be? Or do you at all?

This is a daily struggle. Unlearning everything that I've been taught, and internalized as what it means to be a man, because it was wrong. I challenge myself to recognize the ways in which I (as a white, heterosexual, able bodied male) provide a path for discrimination, inequality, sexism, racism, and then change the direction I'm headed. For me, it is a journey to find my true inner-self, and to focus on unconditional love of all human beings. Deconstructing the conditioning of a patriarchal mold of maleness isn't an easy task. In fact, for me, it was having the core of my belief system uprooted. Although, at the same-time feeling a huge relief to my being. I try to read as much as I can pertaining to masculinity, discuss masculinity with other males (and/or females), watch lectures, and then reflect inward to measure the areas that are in need of improvement. And, there's always room for improvement, for everyone -- always!!!

The Nastiness of 'The Guise'

“Indeed, what would lead a man who, by all accounts, loved family, friends and football and had overcome great odds to make the National Football League as an undrafted pick out of the University of Maine to take such shocking actions? A man raised by a single mother, he had achieved so much in such a short period that he had widely been considered a great role model for what could be done through hard work, grit and determination.”

I imagine you’ve read or heard a statement similar to the one quoted above following a tragic act of violence perpetrated by a man. This is all too common.

“Jovan Belcher, 25-year-old starting linebacker for the Chiefs, a man and an athlete spoken of in the highest regard by everyone from his high school teammates and coaches to his fellow professional football players. They, too, were stunned.”

Masculinity is a performance, a routine, an act. When placed on center stage or in the spotlight, the show is exaggerated to the highest of levels. A young professional athlete, a wife, and a child -- from the outside it would appear that Jovan had the formula for living a great life. And, apparently, that is exactly how it appeared to those he was closest with.

We raise boys to build up walls and imprison their emotions. This entails taking on certain styles of posturing to exert and/or portray manliness. This posturing Jackson Katz refers to as the "Tough Guise”. Katz says, "being a so called "real man" you have to take on this "Tough Guise" in other words, you have to show the world only certain parts of yourself that the dominant culture has defined as manly" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI). Since emotions are categorized as feminine (instead of human), men are not allowed to express to the world what is on the inside for fear of being seen as 'weak'. So it gets masked on the outside.

When men internalize the notion that we must always be confident and in control it is easy to hide the truth from other's about our feelings. Even denying our own feelings or not being able to recognize them become symptoms. Men are taught to repress emotions, except anger. When we allow anger to be expressed as a primary source for solutions it creates a misconception that it is the best and/or only one.

It is reported that Jovan had a previous record of violence. Abusers are often professional manipulators, and learn how to parade around a facade while in the public eye. "You can't talk to me like that," said Belcher to Kasi Perkins, right before shooting her, according to the Kansas City Star newspaper. Domestic violence is rooted in power over & control of another person. The status of a man 'being a man' is equated with how well he can establish and maintain power & control. See an issue?

Men acting like men by society's traditional standard of 'being a man' continues to illustrate being a detriment. We must learn to recognize this as bystanders in the lives of men around us. Unfortunately, that isn't an easy task. Most of us have been conditioned to perceive masculinity the same way men have been taught to act it out. So when a man is 'being a man' we tend to believe that nothing abnormal is going on. Until it is too late.

Another woman and child have lost their lives due to violence at the hands of a man. I'm not going to site statistics, because one is too many. It is time for us as a society to quit being stunned by the tragedies the conditioning of masculinity produce and instead promote, live, model and educate on different, meaningful, ways to be a man.


Not all men are part of the problem, but all men can be part of the solution.

One is Too Many…or is it?

This blog was inspired by the image seen below.

(Image provided by AU Green Dot on Facebook. A bystander initiative to prevent, and end power-based violence)


Where did these stats come from? Also, how can we trust the validity of these stats?

Well, that’s sort of the point of this blog. Does it really matter?!

In my work as a sexual violence prevention educator, working with men, I’ve learned to avoid using statistics while giving a training or presentation. Men get really defensive when they’re shown how one-sided the perpetration of sexual violence is, and debating statistics is not my job. Men will make excuse after excuse to try to denounce the accuracy of a statistic like: 1 in 5 women will be a victim of sexual assault while they are in college. Why do you think this is?

Masculinity is like a melding pot of privilege, entitlement, performance, judgment, and constant critiquing the status of ones (and others) manhood. For the most part, when a male hears the word “men” or “man” in a sentence the inclination is to identify with what is being said on the simple basis that he is a man. Therefore, it must be referring to him, too and now it is personal. This reaction is understandable in a society that is male-centered, male-dominant, and male-focused.

In prevention we focus on strategies that create change in beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors which foster support of sexual violence. So, the fact that I do not include statistics in my speaking engagements is rather irrelevant in my opinion. Besides, unfortunately I don’t believe there is anything that vibrates a person at their core more than a survivor’s story or experience of their own.

I think when men take talking about sexual violence statistics personal it’s important that we use this to acknowledge that they are capable of connecting with the issue itself; which when trying to engage them in violence prevention work, is seemingly the hardest for them to do. Even if their reaction is out of sheer frustration, because their privilege is being challenged, it still elicits feeling.

Privilege as we know allows men (especially those of us who are white) to glide through life without having to take responsibility for things that we think have no immediate affect on our lives. Rejection of statistical evidence is another way to dismiss being accountable for changing them.

"There are always two choices in life, either put up with the conditions as they are, or take the responsibility to change them." - Paulo Coelho

Diverting attention away from the violence itself is distracting us from addressing the root of the problem!

Before I get a huge backlash from the hyper-masculine population, let me say I wholeheartedly believe that one act of violence committed toward a man is too many, too. I’m not denying the fact that men are victims & survivors to violence as well.

I understand that statistics are a crucial element to illustrating the severity of violence, and that in turn provides funding for programs that are working to end violence, and/or providing support for victims of violence. When in society we have people that see a statistic, and completely dismiss the violence to argue the validity of that statistic ..we have a problem! This has happened numerous times in my trainings, presentations, and even on Step Up’s Facebook page. I say we leave the validity of statistics to those who need them (statisticians, granters/funders, etc.) and in the societal narrative build the foundation of our discourse on the concept that 1 is TOO many! Don't you believe one is too many?

Maybe this idea sounds absurd to some, and I’ll accept that. What I can’t find to be acceptable, though, is that a person would minimize one act of sexual violence (or any other form of violence) toward a child, a woman, or another man.

Also, check out the 1 Is 2 Many PSA here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXox6ma1gtE 

Gun Control Is Missing the Point!

By now I'm sure everyone is aware of the horrible tragedy that took place in Aurora, Co. My heart goes out to all of those impacted by the cruel action of James Holmes. At the bottom of this blog I will place a list of places where you can make some sort of contribution if you'd like to help.

It seems as though in wake of this tragedy.. people (beside the President, and Presidential candidate) are trying to exercise their political agenda. I see the left screaming 'gun control' because they feel as though Holmes had too much access, and the right is saying this is exactly why we need guns. I feel as though they're both missing the core of the problem here. I'm not defending the 2nd amendmant, or joining either side, because in my opinion to bring guns into the dialogue is erroneous.

Mainstreem media along with Hollywood play a crucial role in normalizing violence in society. When we're bombarded with messages inclusive of violence on a daily basis we become desensitized to it. We lose our connection to the severity of violence in society, unless it directly affects us; which is saddening to me. Shouldn't one act of violence (lethal or not, masscre or singular) put us in action to show it's not tolerable?

The patriarcharl society we occupy entails a list of standards for men that teach them to be a man they must adhere to it. We glorify, and glamorize men's violence in many avenues across the board (sports, T.V., music, etc.). This condtioning of hypermasculine ills begins at a very early age, and it demands that males reject expressing or showing emotions. Showing emotions is typically seen as feminine, and boys are taught that we should shun anything seen as 'girly,' because that is weak, and (the goal of becoming) a 'real man' isn't weak. While boys are taught to repress (primary) emotions, they are also taught that anger (secondary emotion) is accepted, and sometimes celebrated. Therefore, men are more prone to assert anger and aggression as a substitute or coping mechanism.

When we're talking about guns, and people who committ violence it is a detriment to combine the two. I do not agree with the term 'gun violence'. For one, it leaves the perpetrator out, and implies that guns have a causal factor in violence. Guns are not violent, but people are. I think it's crucial how we frame language around topics of such importance, such as violence, because the language shapes our perceptions. It also portrays who we should hold accountable.

The implications that gun control would prevent a tragedy, like the one in Colorado, correlates with the idea that abstinence only education will prevent teen pregnancy, and STD's (we see how well that works). Blaming or implying blame on guns for violent acts committed by people with guns, is the like blaming words for verbal abuse instead of the abuser. It's not the words that are to blame, it is the person in control of the words! The title of one article read: "It was inevitable, given our lax gun laws". That is in line with those who hold the mind-set rape is inevitable given our 'laxed dress code' in my opinion. Controlling ojects in which a person uses to do harm does not prevent that person from causing harm.

I could care less if there were guns in the world, but guns don't kill people! People kill people!



Aurora Mental Health Center: http://upwr.me/giveamhc

Thrive With Confidence Foundation: http://upwr.me/givethrive

Bonfils Blood Center ($$): http://upwr.me/givebonfils

Bonfils Blood Center (Blood): http://upwr.me/bloodbonfils

Mile High Red Cross: http://upwr.me/coredcross

Defining a "Real Man"

When we try to define what a 'real man' is we're reinforcing traditional masculine ideas or what Michael Kimmel calls 'homosocial enactment' that has shown to be a detriment in trying to prosper an overall healthy society of men. The Freudian model explains we form gender identity through our Father's perspective given he will be the first person we have to prove our manhood to, and at the same time reject the characteristics of our mother. This may still hold a little truth in some cases today.

The modern day socialization of men consists of various traits formed with the notion of what defines a 'real man.’ However, in a boy’s daily routine he is getting good, harmful, mixed, & multiple messages from different men in his life. These men may be fictional, TV personalities, family, friends, coaches, and the list can continue.

 So let us look at the definition of a 'real man.' I'm sure we each could formulate our own so I will proceed to share mine with you. A real man is anyone born with biological parts categorizing him as a male. Now, there are some who say there is a point in life they consider a boy turns into a man. Yet, I find it hard to try to narrow this down to many things other than responsible, respectful, loving, empathetic, and anything that sustains and/or promotes human well-being. Even then every one of these things could in fact be circumstantial, and not concrete.

It is seen all the time. What society or other people's perception of a real man is. Even in the field I work we see it on a regular basis. For example, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and there are a host of events, but one in particular called "Walk-A-Mile In Her Shoes" that has men stand in red high heels to show their support, and that they are taking a stand to end men's violence against women. This is excellent! Although, I see repeatedly with these events organizations (amongst other's) advertising these men as 'real men.' There is a plethora of different signs displaying messages or symbolizing what the definition of a 'real man' is throughout the internet, and especially on Facebook.

Sadly, socializing this narrowing definition of a 'real man' plays benefit to male privilege. When we construct & maintain a long list of labels assigning what a 'real man' is and what a 'real man' isn't we are setting up a safe guard with implications that a 'real man' has an exemplary status. The problem with this is when a man acts with behaviors that do not fit; then he is (and his behaviors are) constantly getting excused, and dismissed as ‘not a real man.’ Instead of being examined to be held responsible. It also decreases a sense of holding men accountable when we can just easily toss him off on to the not manly list.

Basically, all men are real men. Real men make mistakes, real men are good men, real men are bad men, and real men do not have to be subject to staying within the confines of a socialized definition of masculinity. .

Men: Why us? Sexual Assault Awareness.

April as many of you know is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. As I scurry through my Twitter, and Facebook post I see men readily speaking out against sexual violence! YAY, this is awesome, right? Of course it is! Minus the fact that I don't see any more (as in men who weren't speaking out last year) men taking a stand for the cause.

As a man myself I've been where you're at whether it be feeling complete apathy toward using your voice, don't know how or where to start, or fearing that by speaking out for this cause (that is strictly seen as a women's issue) you'll face ridicule for stepping outside your socially constructed man box. You could even feel timid for the simple fact of how you will appear for 'siding' with women and betraying your bro's. However, I concede that we traveled different paths and each man has to individually find his way out of their own patriarchal mold.

But, let's take those reasons of maybe "why not" and set them to the side so that we can focus on the "why". Somewhere in your life (assuming you are working with competent mental and normal moral capacity) you've either experienced something personally or have seen someone else experience pain, hurt, and suffering. The one who says they can't relate to this I must say is one lucky person. Yet, when we hurt and/or see other's hurt we feel a need to cease the anguish. It is what I would consider a basic human instinct to want to relieve someone from their distress.


Right now there is a seemingly unrealistic number of people enduring some form of pain due to sexual violence. Sexual violence isn't like a bruise that fades, it is an imprint on the mind and soul that takes time (if ever) to heal.

So, why men? First, lay down your notions of gender and let's speak in the context of people...humans! One act of sexual assault is too many, agreed? If we rely on this as our foundation, that no one deserves or should ever have to be subjected to forced or unwanted sexual actions then we're making progress. Men, you (and I) have a responsibility to each other as humans to implement a style of healthy masculinity in our communities. Why men? Men, because the majority of you (and I) do not condone sexual violence, and if we recognize this, and use this to our advantage -- then the men who do commit & perpetrate sexual violence would be held accountable, and powerless.

So I'm asking you, as a man to please use your voice. There are many simple ways to do this. Tweet it, post it on Facebook, or even take a bigger step if you feel comfortable and post a YouTube video. You can change your profile picture, avatar, or even write a blog. Whatever you do, please don't do nothing. Our inaction is still an action, but on the side of the perpetrators.

Here are a couple of things you can use:

"I'm a man who does not condone sexual violence. Violence is a men's issue and we all have stake in ending it."

"April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. It's time.. to talk about it. As a man I'm responsible for using my voice, and raising awareness to this issue."


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