The Nastiness of 'The Guise'

“Indeed, what would lead a man who, by all accounts, loved family, friends and football and had overcome great odds to make the National Football League as an undrafted pick out of the University of Maine to take such shocking actions? A man raised by a single mother, he had achieved so much in such a short period that he had widely been considered a great role model for what could be done through hard work, grit and determination.”

I imagine you’ve read or heard a statement similar to the one quoted above following a tragic act of violence perpetrated by a man. This is all too common.

“Jovan Belcher, 25-year-old starting linebacker for the Chiefs, a man and an athlete spoken of in the highest regard by everyone from his high school teammates and coaches to his fellow professional football players. They, too, were stunned.”

Masculinity is a performance, a routine, an act. When placed on center stage or in the spotlight, the show is exaggerated to the highest of levels. A young professional athlete, a wife, and a child -- from the outside it would appear that Jovan had the formula for living a great life. And, apparently, that is exactly how it appeared to those he was closest with.

We raise boys to build up walls and imprison their emotions. This entails taking on certain styles of posturing to exert and/or portray manliness. This posturing Jackson Katz refers to as the "Tough Guise”. Katz says, "being a so called "real man" you have to take on this "Tough Guise" in other words, you have to show the world only certain parts of yourself that the dominant culture has defined as manly" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI). Since emotions are categorized as feminine (instead of human), men are not allowed to express to the world what is on the inside for fear of being seen as 'weak'. So it gets masked on the outside.

When men internalize the notion that we must always be confident and in control it is easy to hide the truth from other's about our feelings. Even denying our own feelings or not being able to recognize them become symptoms. Men are taught to repress emotions, except anger. When we allow anger to be expressed as a primary source for solutions it creates a misconception that it is the best and/or only one.

It is reported that Jovan had a previous record of violence. Abusers are often professional manipulators, and learn how to parade around a facade while in the public eye. "You can't talk to me like that," said Belcher to Kasi Perkins, right before shooting her, according to the Kansas City Star newspaper. Domestic violence is rooted in power over & control of another person. The status of a man 'being a man' is equated with how well he can establish and maintain power & control. See an issue?

Men acting like men by society's traditional standard of 'being a man' continues to illustrate being a detriment. We must learn to recognize this as bystanders in the lives of men around us. Unfortunately, that isn't an easy task. Most of us have been conditioned to perceive masculinity the same way men have been taught to act it out. So when a man is 'being a man' we tend to believe that nothing abnormal is going on. Until it is too late.

Another woman and child have lost their lives due to violence at the hands of a man. I'm not going to site statistics, because one is too many. It is time for us as a society to quit being stunned by the tragedies the conditioning of masculinity produce and instead promote, live, model and educate on different, meaningful, ways to be a man.


Not all men are part of the problem, but all men can be part of the solution.