The Conditioning & Heart of Men

You may be familiar with bipolar syndrome. It is a diagnosis for a person who has episodes of abnormal energy levels (mood swings) in extreme polar opposites.

Men often portray a (tough) guise as we learn from Jackson Katz. Men need to illustrate their manliness by posturing, stoicism, and dialogue (via ‘The Guy Code’ handbook) to maintain the appearance of their status as a man. Masculinity is a performance a man must act out to express and at the same-time protect his manhood. One of the main reasons men exercise violence as an option is to show the world they’ve lived up to staying inside the socialized box of society’s standards that labels them “a man”. The pressures of the box are never more present than when men are surrounded by the company of other men, and their behaviors may or may not change in the presence of a female (depending on how much she is respected, if any).

The performance of masculinity requires constant self-critique and vigilance to make sure that no one sees misapprehension. Due to the black & white context of the box, there is no gray area. You’re either fully in or you’re fully out. When males reach the age of being able to fully perform, they’ve already internalized all the said tools needed to act out their masculinity. The ideology behind what it means to be a man is so ingrained into the psyche and core of being, that the perception of this performance appears normal, and is believed to be by mostly everyone. 

Over my life span, falling two weeks short of 30 years long, the majority of the men I have met and come to know have huge hearts. They are compassionate, loving, and have an overall concern for the well-being of everyone.But, more specifically, you know who these men have the utmost devotion for? …. Women.Time after time this same majority of men (including my previous self) end up hurting a woman or women in some fashion.

So where’s the disconnection? Does the heart control the mind or does the mind control the heart?

The heart I believe activates the feelings that correlate with when we’re doing something right and/or when we’re doing something wrong. Men are typically socialized to repress and not express emotions when they’re little, because showing emotions is seen as feminine (therefore not manly). Emotions are a human trait, not a gendered one. 

This internalized performance of men has caused extreme distortion in the messages being relayed between the heart and mind. Making the heart desensitized to that which has been conditioned as norm in the mind.

From what I’ve learned of bipolar there are a numerous amount of ups & downs. Men I know who act like the men society has told them they should tend to ride a similar emotional roller-coaster. When they do something they shouldn’t, they feel remorse. When they find out what they’ve been doing isn’t normal behavior toward women, they seem to actively want to create change in that behavior. We raise boys to become men who are in control of their lives in every aspect. The way we show them to have control over their emotions, is to not show the emotions at all. This is a recipe for internal disaster.  

To be clear I’m not suggesting men need to take medicine to deconstruct the conditioning of traditional masculinity.

But….If we can touch the heart of the man and give it inspiration, it can unravel any and all negative conditioning that has been received. 


J

5 Questions About Masculinity.

1. What does being a man mean to you?

Being a man, to me, means embracing the qualities of life that help me to help other's and create a better world for humanity. Being a man is being human. Therefore, being a man means exploring the diversity of human nature, human characteristics, the whole of human individuality  and not only accepting, but also appreciating the (positive) differences in all cultures including my own. Being a man to me means seeking out a sense of self, and purpose, that isn't bound by the shackles of traditional socialization of masculinity  This means looking within to grow and mature my inner-self. Feeling, and processing emotions. Expressing them properly, and constructively. Not out of anger, and violently like how I've been taught is normal, and tolerable for men to do. Being a man, is about being a human role model. Playing a role that is positive in the perspective of all gender identities, and illustrating this thru my behaviors/actions and my integrity, that all humans are equal. Being a man is about being empathetic, loving, compassionate, caring, (mentally & emotionally) strong, altruistic, and being comfortable enough in your (person-hood) manhood to know when to use your voice, when not to. Developing principles to live by structured around the inclusiveness of equality, justice, and love - are essential to being a (human) man. Being a man is being able to free yourself from the narrowed, limiting, and restrictive societal definition of manhood. 

2. Is the societal perspective on the male role positive or negative? Why?

Both. The privilege of the male role typically goes unseen, because that is how the social system we live in (patriarchal) is set-up to function. Invisibility fuels the perpetuation of male privilege & entitlement; which means men aren't talked about enough in the appropriate context. Highly frequent is the 'downfall' fall of men in media. In the societal perspective with the most recent election in mind, and my feminist ideology -- men have a pretty overall negative perspective in society (not saying this isn't justified). We lack in the parenting department, we lack in emotional competence, we cause unjust violence in our country and start it in other parts of the world, and youth males aren't up to speed in academics. On the other-side there are men who contradict the negativity of manhood  and promotion of traditional masculinity. They are men who reject what patriarchy demands of them without worry of repercussions toward the status of their manhood. Men who are confident, nurturing  respectable men --  are out there working toward the betterment of our nation, the world, but are lacking as being vastly seen in the eye of popular or 'normal' manhood. 

3. What are the most crucial elements to healthy masculinity, and how do we promote them?  Or, do we not need to promote healthy masculinity?

The most crucial elements of healthy masculinity are human elements. Our actions/behaviors toward, and about the world are not defined by our anatomy. The most crucial elements of masculinity are those that prosper, and influence the well-being of other's and self as a whole. Kindness, empathy, compassion, understanding, emotional capacity, and love are all crucial elements to the production of healthy masculinity. If we can centralize the conditioning of our youth around core values & beliefs of equality, justice, and love we can make great strides in opening up the rigid definition of what masculinity is today. 

How do we promote it? Learn it, live it, and teach it. We must make the movement toward healthy masculinity a lifestyle, not a practice. 

4. What are the worst elements of masculinity? How do you feel we change them?

I wouldn't say there is a element of masculinity that is the worst. I do think that society has poorly emphasized the wrong attributes of masculinity as the necessary ones (tough, strong, always in control, dominant, etc.). We must change these by reshaping the idea of what it means to be a man in the lens of social normality. Focusing on the more human qualities of men, and less on the outdated concepts of what makes a man be 'a man'.

5. How do you personally work on your own masculinity to be the best person you can be? Or do you at all?

This is a daily struggle. Unlearning everything that I've been taught, and internalized as what it means to be a man, because it was wrong. I challenge myself to recognize the ways in which I (as a white, heterosexual, able bodied male) provide a path for discrimination, inequality, sexism, racism, and then change the direction I'm headed. For me, it is a journey to find my true inner-self, and to focus on unconditional love of all human beings. Deconstructing the conditioning of a patriarchal mold of maleness isn't an easy task. In fact, for me, it was having the core of my belief system uprooted. Although, at the same-time feeling a huge relief to my being. I try to read as much as I can pertaining to masculinity, discuss masculinity with other males (and/or females), watch lectures, and then reflect inward to measure the areas that are in need of improvement. And, there's always room for improvement, for everyone -- always!!!

The Nastiness of 'The Guise'

“Indeed, what would lead a man who, by all accounts, loved family, friends and football and had overcome great odds to make the National Football League as an undrafted pick out of the University of Maine to take such shocking actions? A man raised by a single mother, he had achieved so much in such a short period that he had widely been considered a great role model for what could be done through hard work, grit and determination.”

I imagine you’ve read or heard a statement similar to the one quoted above following a tragic act of violence perpetrated by a man. This is all too common.

“Jovan Belcher, 25-year-old starting linebacker for the Chiefs, a man and an athlete spoken of in the highest regard by everyone from his high school teammates and coaches to his fellow professional football players. They, too, were stunned.”

Masculinity is a performance, a routine, an act. When placed on center stage or in the spotlight, the show is exaggerated to the highest of levels. A young professional athlete, a wife, and a child -- from the outside it would appear that Jovan had the formula for living a great life. And, apparently, that is exactly how it appeared to those he was closest with.

We raise boys to build up walls and imprison their emotions. This entails taking on certain styles of posturing to exert and/or portray manliness. This posturing Jackson Katz refers to as the "Tough Guise”. Katz says, "being a so called "real man" you have to take on this "Tough Guise" in other words, you have to show the world only certain parts of yourself that the dominant culture has defined as manly" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI). Since emotions are categorized as feminine (instead of human), men are not allowed to express to the world what is on the inside for fear of being seen as 'weak'. So it gets masked on the outside.

When men internalize the notion that we must always be confident and in control it is easy to hide the truth from other's about our feelings. Even denying our own feelings or not being able to recognize them become symptoms. Men are taught to repress emotions, except anger. When we allow anger to be expressed as a primary source for solutions it creates a misconception that it is the best and/or only one.

It is reported that Jovan had a previous record of violence. Abusers are often professional manipulators, and learn how to parade around a facade while in the public eye. "You can't talk to me like that," said Belcher to Kasi Perkins, right before shooting her, according to the Kansas City Star newspaper. Domestic violence is rooted in power over & control of another person. The status of a man 'being a man' is equated with how well he can establish and maintain power & control. See an issue?

Men acting like men by society's traditional standard of 'being a man' continues to illustrate being a detriment. We must learn to recognize this as bystanders in the lives of men around us. Unfortunately, that isn't an easy task. Most of us have been conditioned to perceive masculinity the same way men have been taught to act it out. So when a man is 'being a man' we tend to believe that nothing abnormal is going on. Until it is too late.

Another woman and child have lost their lives due to violence at the hands of a man. I'm not going to site statistics, because one is too many. It is time for us as a society to quit being stunned by the tragedies the conditioning of masculinity produce and instead promote, live, model and educate on different, meaningful, ways to be a man.


Not all men are part of the problem, but all men can be part of the solution.