Entitlement in Words

For centuries men have had a sense of entitlement over women! I think it begins with the bible, as it states "Man should head the household." It also states "as he heads the church" I think the meaning of men heading the house has become very skewed in the sense it has been perceived they're suppose to "be in charge." This misconstrued belief of men being in charge contributes vastly to the entitlement men feel they have in the world, especially over women. All of this connects to the attitudes, behaviors, & beliefs of men about women, and is linked to violence towards women. A lot of people may find this part of my blog offensive, or take it personal because you feel I’m attacking Christians! This is NOT the case! To clarify, I’m not saying what the bible says causes violence against women. I am saying, that the misperception and how its meanings are taken out of context do help aid it. Do you know one of the most frequent places sexual assaults of children occur? Church! Anyway, men in whatever form- have taken their entitlement over women to extreme proportions over the years. It's definitely prevalent and most visible in main stream T.V., Music, and our everyday language. WORDS ARE POWERFUL! I can not stress the importance of that statement enough! All the "normal" b****, p****, h*, etc. These words are very belittling, and are used very commonly in men's everyday language. Especially when referring to other males to challenge or devalue their status as a man. These words and many others are ingrained in men's vocabulary and are accepted by society! This acceptance that it's ok to use degrading terms directed at women just reinforces male entitlement. "You throw like a girl"-"you hit like a girl"- "quit acting like a girl"-"stop bickering like a girl"-"you're crying like a little girl"-"quit whining like a girl" .... Ok I think you get the point! These "slogans" are constantly used to keep boys conformed to social norms. The message that is tagged a long with them though, is that if a boy does anything wrong he gets compared to a girl, and that boys shouldn't be compared to girls because boys are "better" This is the basic concept that our kids are taught, instead of the values of equality. So in this, I urge you to once again, examine your language! Critically examine the language of all your family & peers (especially men) and start creating change to bring about equality for women! Step Up!


Jeremy

Abuse

It's very prevelant in present day, it has many differnt forms to which it is described. Hidding behind closed doors and open to the public, this has engulfed our society in a very negative way. Ruining lifes and destructing the path to the future for our childern, its cruel slience lingers in homes throughout the world.

Loud screaming, followed by sceaming cries; frightened and secluded it suffocates your mentalilty. Remarks out of anger transform into hatred or rejection, fueled by what lies deep within. Flowing consistantly through your veins, liquid poors in your stomach or a sharp needle peirces the skin. On a daily basis it's the dictator of your routine. The burning rush up your nose, and the sudden burst of engery. Horrified, because you're fighting for survival from the one you thought who loved you the most. Covering up purple swells from getting slapped open handed. The only time piece can be found is in isolation. Endless contribution to feelings of worhtlessness; it crawls through the mind, down to the heart, and into the soul. Without warning, a broke nose, a black eye. Held down unable to move, it takes advantage and uses force. Innoncent childern are scared for life and by this continuing the cycle.

The pain creates a feeling inside the stomach that can't be defined. Emotions are sky rocketed, leaving the mind to race with hopeless thoughts. Exhausted mentally and physically, it becomes in total control of every aspect. Trying to live with it is almost unberable, because it creates drama no matter what shape or form it's in. It will continue to destroy homes, childern, and lifes while remaining a thorn in the side of society..

When it comes to standing up for abuse, it can't be abused. It can be contained and slowly make progress in a postive direction. With the information there is today on every sort of abuse, a strong enough support, it can be overcome. Abuse in most cases is sort of swept under the rug, or not paid enough attention to. This creates alot of conflict with ending the cycle.

It's to common in today's world and is a controlable problem with the right amount of effort and proper amount of attention. The creator of the problem, is the ultimate solution to the problem itself. Abuse has been around for centuries, and will probably be around for the duration of our lifetime. Think of this though, you most likely know someone that is struggling with some form of abuse. Someone close, or just a co-worker, it's a person you know. Shame, embarrasment, fear, all make it difficult to talk about, although in most cases words are not needed.

Men Take A Stand!

How can Men take a stand Against Violence Against Women?
Men’s attitudes and behaviors are shaped in powerful ways by their male peers. Men’s lives are also highly structured by relationships with other men. Violence against Women affects all men equally, because we all have women close to us- whether it’s our Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Grandma, or close friend. Men have to become great examples in implementing nonviolent masculinity by practicing & teaching qualities and behaviors such as listening, empathy, and respect for Women a long with other Men & Boys. Men have to change the traditional acceptance of social norms and become allies to Women.

Ways Men can be an Ally:

• Learn how prevalent and pervasive Violence Against Women is
• Realize that “Violence Against Women” is a Men’s issue.
• Critically examine your own beliefs & attitudes towards Women and other Men & Boys.
• Earn trust from Women
• Seek advice from Women and Men in the Movement
• Accept responsibility to Step Up for Violence Against Women

Ways Men can take a Stand:

• Understand and believe that you’re not speaking out on behalf of Women, but because it affects and offends you as a Man.
• Hold other Men accountable for their actions
• Educate yourself and others on ways social structures contribute to violence
• SPEAK OUT EVERY CHANCE YOU GET.
• DO NOT fund companies that support sexism and the objectification of women.
• If you have a problem with violence towards women-be responsible and seek help.


Who needs to be involved?

• Every Man & Boy
• Men with Power (Preachers, Principals, Sherriff’s, Judges, Coach’s, Governor’s, Mayor’s)
• All of the Community (Church’s, Business’s, School’s, Organizations, Clubs)



Quotes-

- “First step to creating change is awareness” – Ted Rutherford
- “Not All men are the problem, but All men can be part of the solution”– Jeremy Flowers
- “If you choose to do nothing, it’s a choice with consequences” – Jackson Katz


Resources for Men:
www.StepUpAgainstViolence.com
www.Responsiblemen.net
www.JacksonKatz.com
www.acalltomen.com
www.menstoppingviolence.org
www.mencanstoprape.org
www.menagainstdv.org

"Young Men" or Boys

"Young Men" today have a difficult time accepting responsibility. While in college or that age range, "youg men" are still learning what it is to be a man. Some of them still searching indefinitely for who they are, and how they're supposed to behave to be "one of the guys" The problem with this happening at this stage in life is that many of their core values are concrete, and extremely hard to change. "Young men" in todays society are not always open to new ideas, or opening up a new thought process, because they're "men" and what they think is "right" & "how it should be" and not to mention they have been conditioned their whole lives to believe this way. After giving a training to a group of college athletes, it was brought to a new level for me that "young men" can't accept responsibility for something they believe is not an issue for them. This is something I've known for a while, but it just really sunk in yesterday. Everytime I even mentioned that a man should be responsible for a behavior or action, the rebuttals immediately diverted the focus back to women. It was like victim-blaming, with a honeymoon stage. If she doesn't want to be raped she shouldn't wear that "short skirt" to get attention, but rape is wrong. I asked them, so is it her fault if she gets sexually assaulted and she's wearing a short skirt? The very first reply was - "If she's going to dress like trash, she's going to get treated like trash" It took everything I had to professionaly repsond to that statement! Many arguments were normal, but I guess, sadly expected from a group of "young men" A lot of the arguements were repetitive, majority of them ignorance, but every sinlge one shifted the responsibility back to women. We focus on bystanders in our presentation, and a lot of the bystander aspects play in to our audience as we're presenting. So I have to think, are these ignorant comments being vomited everywhere during the training just guys looking for other males acceptance- thinking that's what everyone else thinks, or is it actually their true beliefs. I understand they're under a lot of peer pressure and that's what we're trying to change. It's not easy being a male, in a room full of 50 other males and speaking out in opposition of what everyone else's traditional mind set is. So when I'm speaking i'm not actually even getting true feedback, because these guys are so engulfed by social norms, and not wanting to go against traditional beliefs that they will not speak out. Proof is, guys approaching me after it has ended and speaking to me- but had not said one word during it at all. So why do I put "young men" in quotes? What defines a "young man" or a man for that matter? Is it Maturity, Repsonsiblity, Accountability, Respect? In society we start refering to boys, as "young men" when they turn a certain age. Age doesn't define what a "young man" is! I believe in our society we still have a lot of boys that are in college or in that age range, but get labled as "young men" and therefore have falsified beliefs of what a man is supposed to be. (Along with MANY other factors-media,music,family,church's,etc) So this is why I quote "young men", because I believe many of the males society considers to be "young men" are boys that don't have the proper knowledge of what it really means to be a loving, caring, cognitive, respectable, responsible, & accountable man!... Something to ponder ...


Jeremy
11-4-09

A Challenge!

Boys develope their core beliefs at a very young age, and by the time they reach college they're concrete. To embrace a way of thinking that differs from your traditional thought process is a difficult task. Although, the only thing in life that remains constant is change. If we could get "young men" to realize that growth comes from changing oneself, it would make our work a lot easier. It's not easy though, and it's extremely challenging to change the perception of a young man that has belittled & degraded women all of his life, because either he felt they're inferior or because he just thinks that's the way it's supposed to be. I like a challenge, life is a challenge and my work is definitely a challenge, but I love it. "When we accept tough jobs as a challenge to our ability and wade into them with joy and enthusiasm, miracles can happen."-(Arland Gilbert) The topic, Sexual Assault Prevention- the typical question, "If a women is wearing a short skirt, is it her fault if she gets raped?" Response- from a male law enforcement officer, "She has to have some responsibility" So I have to think this guy is responding from his beliefs & values, because he's a seasoned veteran. I tried explaining to him the difference in risk reduction, and prevention when he told me he tells his daughter "risk reduction tools" all the time. When I tried to clarify his techniques as risk reduction; I immediately got a defensive response of "that's prevention". It took a lot not to reply in a defensive or aggressive way back to him and instead try to describe to him that what he considered to be prevention, was wrong. Another response- "If she's dressing like that, then she wants the attention and shouldn't dress like that to prevent it" See a pattern? "It's the women's fault" is what was implied in basically all responses (every where I go) whether subtle or blatant, it's still diverting responsibility back to women. This is aiding the idea that this is just a women's issue. So what if she wants attention? Who at some point in their life hasn't wanted some form of attention from another person? That doesn't make it acceptable, because of the need or want for attention- that they should be subject to Sexual Assault. Now I get back to where I started- this portrays "men" have a consistent belief system throughout their lives. No matter what age it's established at it tends to stay. The question - how do we break this typical pattern of a mindset that is ingrained into men? The answer - I'm still working towards on a daily basis! Everyone has different theories, ideas, and even curriculum that say "this is how to do it." So until we all get on the same page, we as men (NOT ALL) are hindering each other, and the women we’re trying to help!



Jeremy

Opposite vs Other

In our world today, people seem to think they're defined by their sex. So next time you're out, ask someone what they are and see if they don't respond with "I'm a guy" or "I'm a girl" or something to that affect, I think you get my drift. When first in foremost what are we before we're a male or a female? -We're Humans! When it boils down to it, we're all humans first. So as "humans" we should ALL be treated equal regardless of gender, because it's not a factor. Since we're all humans- Why do men refer to women, or women refer to men as the opposite sex? Sure we have opposite body parts, and different features. Other than body parts what's so opposite about us? Girls are emotional, and guys aren't? Society throws us into these categories as soon as we're born. "What are you having, a boy or a girl?" Then they further this separation of gender when they define us with colors! (Boys = Blue, Girls = Pink) We're conditioned to behave in these "boy" or "girl" ways not only by society, but by our parents, friends, teachers, and various different resources. There is subtle reinforcement everyday through some form of media, or in general living that tells boys and girls how they're supposed to act or behave. Why as a society do we place such a distance between boy & girls, when we're actually just them same. We all have to have the same supplements to survive, we all breathe the same air, We all have the same feelings, We all walk, talk, run, and jump the same. It's basically a pre-existing problem that is called Racism. So would we call this Genderism? Think about this, what has distancing characteristics of boys and girls done for us as a society relationship wise. It's created a sense of entitlement for males, and a sense of subordinacy for Women. I'm a strong believer in Language has a lot of power, and we need to reconstruct our everyday language to help create a change in social norms. So I'm writing this blog to proclaim that the "Other" gender will no longer be referred to as the "opposite" by me. I can't find much about us that is “opposite” and “other” leaves room for all the ways we're alike rather than different. Take some time to examine your own use of words and create a solution to make change. Changing the usage of words is an easy and powerful way to create change in gender difference! Think about it! Let's reduce violence in every way possible, no more demeaning, degrading words, and no more making something as serious as Violence or Sexual Assault funny! It normalizes it, and helps perpetuate the cycle. Be Positive, Be Cognitive, and Be Accountable! Step Up!

Jeremy
10-9-09

In Theory!

In theory, Men are not accepted by their positive qualities, attributes or their accountability! Men are conformed through society to gain acceptance by the concept of being "a man". So the challenge is to get men to engage in changing this traditional acceptance of being "a man". Big task at hand!

I was walking down the sidewalk at school yesterday while I was on my phone txting, as usual lol! I was approaching a couple of bench's occupied with about 7 to 10 black men. As I passed I heard back-to-back comments "damn, look at that" .. "boy she don't know what I'd do to that" ..."i'd **** the **** out of her".. (Let me make something clear, I'm not discriminating or saying that white guys or any other race of male wouldn't have acted in the same manor.) So I stopped dead in my tracks, looked up and seen a girl walking about 10 or 15 feet infront of me with some low cut shorts on. I stood in my spot for about a little over a minute I would estimate, pondering if and what I should say. They didn't even acknowledge that I was there. Granted I was right in the center of them, and arms length away. They were to preoccupied gauking at the female walking infront of me. So I continued on my path, fustrated at the pathetic behaviors of these "men" and with myself for not saying anything. Why didn't I say anything? In reflection, (thinking like a man does)- I was totally out numbered and unanimously by a different race. It's a very intimidating scenario. Why do I or Men think like that? Because we think that the resolve to every and any conflict is violence. Which is completely the mind-set that i'm working to change. That doesn't justify me not saying anything, but I was so upset by their antics that it was probably best I didn't say anything, because it would have came out wrong. I walked on I felt sorry for the girl ahead hoping that she didn't hear any of those ignorant comments made. I wanted to ask her to make sure she didn't, but she had entered the building before me and by the time I did she was out of sight. So of course I felt even worse after that. In prevention we think intervene with our own safety in mind first. So, In theory was I acting with my own safety in mind first? Not taking action based on assumption that my intervening would have led to violence? I'm still contemplating my action, or lack there of and trying to come to a conclusion of whether it was right or wrong. At first glance, I think I'm in the wrong for not speaking out. Looking back, Im wondering if I did the right thing for the benefit of my safety (given it was probably a majority of hypermasculine young teens and early twenty-year-old kids).
Something I'm still battling with!....

Jeremy 8-25-09

"Ugly Truth"

Went to the movies lastnight to watch the Ugly Truth. Had no Idea what it was about, heard it was hilarious and I aslo heard it wasn't any good. Well I got everything I didn't want to see thrown right in my face. It's the perfect display of how our society sees men & women's roles and how we accept them as they are. The gender roles were played to a perfect reflection of society and making lite of it by humorization doesn't set well with me. It shows us how normalized the behaviors of Men against women are and that people are so accepting of it that they don't realize the damage it does. It had a character in there that was a man who exploited women as not good for anything but sex, and feeding to the mens already skewed believe of women as only sexual objects. The movie was a perfect example to the perception of -men only think of women as sexual objects! So therefore to make lite of what we (us in the movement) are fighting to end just perpetuates this already corrupt thought process that it's normal for men to only lust and fantasize over women's bodies, because that's all they're good for! This whole acceptance, and desensitation plays a huge role one men's view of women and contributions to sexual violence. If men view women as sexual objects, or only good for sex then they feel that women "want" it, or they have the right to womens bodies. This idea feeds into victim blaming- "if she wouldn't have worn that, then that wouldn't have happened" Well if Men wouldn't think of women as sexual objects then what she's wearing is irrelevant and they wouldnt feel like "she was asking for it" ... btw ITS NEVER THE VICTIMS FAULT. Not to mention, this guy that exploits the women during the whole movie- is doing it because he's been betrayed by women! Therefore taking his actions against women, and making it their fault. Another way of showing how men do not hold themselves accountable for their actions or behaviors because they've become so accustom to blaming others!(women in this case).. Have you ever thought if you've been through a ton of girlfriends, that maybe you're the problem? Not the women! I mean, Hello! They also have the female character (which I loved in Grey's Anatomy - Izzy) playing for one guy, but falls for the other. They had her feeding into the Men's idea that Women are suppose to be subordinant and sexually convienant for them. She started out as a good girl an realizing this guys misogynistic traits, but in the end falling for him. Another portrayal of how "women only go for bad guys" - which completely destroys our whole socialization structure in relationships. Now i'm not denying that they hit the nail on the head with the portrayal of how our society views mens & womens roles, but they also contributed to the acceptance of them- the audience told me that as well by laughing at very inconvienant times. The more accepting and the more society keeps normalizing the behavior- the harder and longer it's going to be before we see a reduction in sexual violence or violence period.

A Rant...

Day after day, I read many headlines. "Retired Police chief- Murder suicide" or "couple found dead by son- murder suicide" or "Shot Wife then shot self Murder-suicide" or "prosecutor seeks adult charges against 13yr old boy in child rape case" .. All of these acts of violence wether deadly domestic or sexual violence is committed by either Men or Boys! Everyday there's a headline or 10 that I can count on reading that a male in our society has committed another act of violence or abuse, against women and other men as well. What does this say to us as a society? What makes anyone think that we don't need to evaluate or restructure our daily techniques of teaching men & boys how to act, or behave. Who in their right mind can actually say that this isn't a issue that needs immediate attention. Deaths on a daily basis due to hypermasculine violent men. Rapes committed on a daily basis committed by hypermasculine violent men. Men are structured to have violent tendencies, be aggresive and internalize emotions. Otherwise, they're considered not to be "manly" and don't fit the "standard" of manhood qualities. Why is it that men don't realize that we're the ones leading this destructive violent nation and society that keeps reproducing rapist, murderers, & batterers? We've created such a corrupt system for victims that they can't even report without some sort of victim blaming. Either they feel they're the ones at fault, because they should've been more cautious, or shouldn't have worn that outfit, or shouldn't have said that certain thing to "lead him on" or "make him mad".. This is a FREE country, and we have FREEDOM of speach. The way people perceive things is irrelevant to factual meanings and actions taken based upon those perceptions. Male victims can't even come forward, because it's a "sign of weakness" and we will be perceived as less of a man. Just the other day I was doing a Law Enforcement training to some Cadets and one of the said "I can't just take someone pushing on me & pushing on me and provoking me" (speaking about a women).. So I asked him "Then what would you do?".. He couldn't respond... his silence spoke volumes to me. This is a fresh recruit into our Law Enforcement and his mind-set to solving violence, is to continue the violence till it has ceased. That makes me wonder if he'd even arrest a victim, if he was told by the batterer that they "were provoked" .. Why is this the unnoticed plaque? Is it really because it's easier to just ignore? If you saw what I saw everyday, read what I read everyday, then maybe you would understand how prevelant and pervasive this is. That's the majority of the problem- that most people are unaware, and the rest of it is people "just don't care". This is personal to all of us, wether you realize it or just want to ignore the fact. Someone you know and love is and/or has been affected by some form of abuse (verbal,mental,emotional,physical, or sexual)due to a male. They may not have talked about it, or may not feel they can. Us as a society have to come together as one to create awareness, restructuring of social norms, and what defines us as "men" to vastly contribute to reducing violence in our homes, school, streets, and across the world.

Sexual Assault- Idiocy

So I ran across this article
http://ijo.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/53/4/454 Thanks to @preventconnect on twitter!

There was a study taken from 3 different colleges. It says:

"roughly 30% of the women and 12% of the men reported having been the victim of a sexual assault sometime in their lives. Of the assault victims, approximately 23% of both sexes stated that they had sexual intercourse with their assaulters on at least one subsequent occasion."

There's a lot of factors left out of this study! Were they drunk? If not, did they give consent? Were they coerced or manipulated? Anyway they go on in the article and say this:

"Female victims of a completed sexual assault were significantly more likely to continue being sexually active with their assailants than were female victims who managed to block the assault, while no such difference was found for male victims. This would imply that some men are using assaultive tactics to secure sex partners beyond a single sexual episode, thereby enhancing their potential reproductive success in evolutionary terms."Also, men who committed sexual assault reported having had more lifetime sex partners than did sexually experienced men with no sexual assault history. Overall, the idea that sexual assault is part of an evolved reproductive strategy is consistent with findings from this study."

Now this study was conducted by three men! Leave it to my gender to come up with this corrupted idea that "the idea of sexual assault is part of an evovled reproductive strategy" That statement is implying that Men rape to reproduce. That the only reason men commit sexual assaults would be to have kids! This is utterly ridiculous and makes me sick that someone would actually try to justify sexual assaults by calling it a "reproductive strategy" Do you think when "Joe" goes to the strip club and he's watching a nude girl dance around that he's thinking "yeah I'd like to reproduce with her" .. I mean maybe, but not literally! This theory is about the most narrow mindend and unrealistic one i've ever heard. There's so many other key factors involved that you have to take into account, such as structures of Men & Boys in the home, and socialization of Men & Boys as well! The "consistent" findings of this study are the same as every other study that i've seen. Men are the majority of perpetrators in Sexual Assaults, whether the victim is Male or Female!...


Jeremy

Men's Violence- through Language

Today we live in a world where it's acceptable for "Men" to demean, degrade, and humiliate Women publicly on a daily basis. It's so common that it happens the majority of the time unconsciously with out the thought of reprecussions of words! Language is a huge part of society and the message it delivers can be the basic tool used in society that produces such misogynist men & boys! They are a product of media, music, & games that give the perception that it's ok to be violent- physically, verbally, and sexually towards women. We as Men are capable of reversing this hypermasculine & sexually driven culture of Men & Boys with a little bit more in depth analysis of the language we use. Words are very powerful, and they can be used both in negative and postive ways in society. Those are in the public eye/ear on a daily basis- Broadcasters, Dj's, T.V. Show host and News Anchors are the one we should critique most (other then ourselves) because they're the ones delivering the message to a wider range audience. We need to realize in this - i'm not saying because of something heard or said - its going to get an immediate reaction or simulation to the statement, comment, or action made. Every time we hear a negative degrading statement about or to a women it becomes more "normal" to us. The problem with it becoming normal to Men is we become desensitized to it! Therefore it has no meaning to us (men) and we (men) don't realize that the belittling everyday( B****, SL**, Etc) words still have the same hurtfull effects on Women in our society! Also, we must realize that if you consciously or even unconsciously make a degrading statement to or about a women, it gives the message to other Men that it's acceptable, and a norm! The boys that grow up in our society are taught that this kind of behavior is what it means to "be a man!" We typically want to point fingers and not accept responsibility for things that take place and have no correlation with our own lives. Reality is though, if we allow other Men to act with this kind of misogynistic behavior in our presence- then we're definitly complicit in the negative effects of that behavior. If you stand by in silence while there's a form of abuse happening (verbal or physical) then you're definitely responsible for holding that perpetrator accountable for his actions. A lot would think i'm being one-sided or denying women as perpetrators, which I'm not. The fact is- Majority of Violence is perpetrated by Men, whether it be against Women or other Men. So this is unanimously a Men's issue! Am I calling out my own gender? Yes! Especially if you're complicit by silence or perpetration in the acts of Violence Against Women. It's easy to set back and say "this doesn't affect me" or "i'm not that kind of guy, so it doesn't concern me" .. Well let me make it clear, it concerns ALL men in our society! We all have Women close to us, and we all have a repsonsibility to keep them safe. The sad reality is that one of them has been a victim of some form of abuse by a man- whether you know it or not! If you want to truly prove your "manhood" then do what's right, and Step Up and take a stand on Men's Violence Against Women!! http://www.stepupagainstviolence.com/

Jeremy

The Start of Something New!

If you know me, then you know I like to write - especially if it's emotionally driven. So this is where i'll be doing my writing from now on. Follow me, or not. I promise there will be a lot of interesting things to come :)