I Will Keep Asking!

I know it’s asked all the time, and if you’re in the movement, you hear it. You may have even asked it yourself. Or, perhaps, since we’ve seen an increase, or you’re aware of those who’ve been around a while, you have an answer to the question.

As I’m getting prepared for the East Texas Crisis Center’s 2^nd Annual Walk A Mile in Her Shoes, asking for sponsorships, trying to recruit men, the question is being reinforced to me.

This isn’t a question that’s a stranger though. I go to speaking engagements and present on the topics of masculinity, men’s involvement in ending men’s violence, and promoting equality. The ratio is a dismal one.

You have probably already figured out what the question is I’m referring to. I’m not saying that there aren’t a great amount of men that are out there being vocal, showing support, and creating change in their communities to promote healthy masculinities, and reduce violence, because there are.

Yet, time & time again, even at events focused strictly toward men, its women stepping up to the plate. Any time I mention anything about creating change that involves men; women are quick to jump on board. Men, not so much though. There are many reasons for this. One, is society has taught us (men) that speaking out, using our voice, specifically toward a cause that is seen strictly as a ‘women’s issue,’ is a sign of weakness. Our conditioning says we’re not ‘real men’ if we step up to the plate along side women to show we support and/or value their worth as equals, or that we care for their well-being, and won’t tolerate or accept men’s violence toward them.

When I go present or train on the prevention of sexual violence, focused toward gender socialization, bystander intervention, and men’s involvement; if it isn’t mandatory, the majority of my audience is female. So, that begs the question, why are females so interested in change in masculinity, and men aren’t? I would go as far to say that they realize that if we can change the way we mold men into a narrowed box of what it means to ‘be a man,’ we can change the world.

Male privilege allows us men to go on in life not realizing what detriments we induce simply from our ignorance. “Ah, there’s nothing wrong with the way men are” you say, but have you really dove into what ‘being a man’ in society means? Being a man in society means that you are not allowed to show emotion, meaning, you’re not allowed to be human. If you show emotions, you’re going to get some sort of reinforcement to get you back into the box, because you can’t appear weak, and we must keep you conformed into the mold. So, why does one choose to not step out of the box? Fear. Fear of being seen as weak, fear of being perceived as not a ‘real man,’ fear of the consequences you may face by your friends and/or peers for doing what ‘only girls do’. Men create a commonplace in fear of not being seen as a man in the eyes of their gender.

 “I’m a good guy, and I don’t commit violence against women.” Well, let me say, that being a ‘good guy’ isn’t good enough. Our inaction and/or silence are complicity. We, as men, must take responsibility for creating change in our communities, our cultures, our inner most circles, and all of this begins with ourselves.
 

Back to the Walk A Mile in Her Shoes event. We’ll be downtown, a handful of men, walking around a square surrounded by women cheering us on. There will be a few men in that crowd, and I’d ask them: “Why aren’t you out here walking?”

To the men who are involved, you are appreciated and your involvement is crucial. But, we must keep in mind that we’re not special, or nor do we need to be overtly celebrated for what we’re doing. Women shouldn’t have to do back flips to get us to see that there is a need for men to step up. And, as men, we should realize that this support of or for our fellow, equal, human, that just so happens to be a female, should be expected from us.

Not all men are part of the problem, but all men can be part of the solution!

 

So I ask….. Where are the men?