Mixed "Defining" Messages, and The Policing of Masculinity!

The routine of a young boy from out of the womb is to love his nurturer (usually mother) and mirror his same sex authoritarian (usually father). With the exception of a father not being around, in which they look for outside resources to imitate, and emulate. We are taught to acquire our most important fundamental human needs from a female. Then we're taught to act like a male. Meaning, males are not typically the one who provide us with our needs, but are those that provide us with an image of how we're supposed to build our character, personality, and competency. As we grow older we're taught to distance ourselves or disconnect from the one we hold the most intimate bond with - mom! In order to become 'a man'.

Socialization creates a stigma around anything that elicits behavior relative to what is considered a 'momma's boy'. Masculinity is unfortunately and mostly defined by what females do and reinforced by emphasizing to not do what females do. This message has two prominent meanings that I think are crucial in making the core of masculinity visible. First, is to keep women inferior. We live in an undeniable patriarchal society that is male-identified, male-centered, and male-dominated. From the time boy's start learning about how to be a person, one of the very first messages and concepts they are taught about being a boy is "girls are bad, don't be like girls". I hear this at my sons baseball games, even from females with statements such as "I'm going to go get you some panties to wear if you don't quit whining." - A Mother. But, it's usually from the men that are overwhelmingly reinforcing this message with statements such as "You should be wearing a cheerleading outfit, instead of a baseball uniform." - A Father. Why is this? Because, girls in the perspective of the social lens are 'weak,' 'emotional,' and essentially, 'less than boys'. Boy's in social perspective are to be strong, in control, dominant, and superior to others (especially females). Secondly, is a deeply ingrained social ideology of homophobia. A boy has to be anything that doesn't portray him as being gay. As a society we relate anything a male does, including showing emotion; which is naturally human, to femininity. We place a stereotypical set of characteristics around a heterosexual male that says if he acts like a girl (in any way) he must be gay. And, being homosexual is normalized as a negative inherency due to the oppression from societal, religious, and patriarchal acceptancy. Therefore, anything feminine (or a girl does) is conditioned into the male mind as perverse. So what does this tell us is one of the basic components at the core of masculinity? Fear! Fear of whom? Men.

As boy's become men they learn very quickly what it takes to be 'one of the guys'. We live in a very hyper-masculine society where you will find boy's always trying to prove 'it'. Boy's are always looking for an avenue to stabilize and/or confirm their status as masculine. We set standards in very vague and contradicting ways that leave boys feeling insecure, continuously looking for ways to, and having to live up to what society says it means to be a man. Since we learn that females don't equate to us as boys, we're not looking to them for clarity in whether or not we are measuring up. Although, men do use women to clarify their status with other males. We look for acceptance from our male peers, father figures, male role models, and males we don't even know. We don't have to know another male to get confirmation of our standing, because all males connect on one essential level -- manhood. Traditional masculinity teaches us to value and internalize the same thing's about manhood. There tends to be one common theme around male solidarity, and that's how to perceive women. I guess we could try to input competition as well, but that's not the point I’m trying to make. Boys readily rely on other male’s approval throughout their adolescents, and into adulthood it transfers to seeking approval of men.


Men create a commonplace in fear of not being seen as a man in the eyes of their gender. This commonplace allows men to divert attention away from their actual fear (because fear is not manly) and place it on the subordinate group(s). Shifting the focus to women (or homosexuals) allows men to get along on a day to day basis without having to face what is actually going on. This is known as male privilege. The constant need for male acceptance from other males remains invisible for the reason of its power of solitude, and its homosexual implications. This is not to say that guys can’t bond or give the occasional handshake/hug, but even that isn’t considered to fall into the category of showing emotion. Rather, it’s one of the few times male bonding is displayed physically, and open.


Normally, men do not associate this commonplace of viewing women as sexual objects, less than, and entitled to, with their daughters, mothers, aunts, sisters, or any woman they are close to. As if the women who have meaning in their life aren’t in the same society as the rest of the women in the world. Sometimes even the women men hold closely to their care aren’t exempt from this type of behavior though.

A never ending search for control of ones self identity in a society engulfed with inconsistent and restricting definitions leaves boys & men with a skewed reality of what it really means to 'be a man'.

I’m aware that this type of socialization doesn’t fit the norm for all men. How often, if ever, do you as a man challenge your own masculinity to see how you contribute to the negative aspects of it? See, we don’t have a choice in whether or not we participate in the system that creates these levels of oppression by men over women, men over other men, men over minorities or any other form. However, we do have a choice of how we participate in the system.

Step Up,


J


(photo courtesy of Google)


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