The conditioning of "No"

“It’s a powerful word” says one female student. “It makes me angry” says another male student. I believe we can all relate to both of these statements regardless of our age or sex. As a society we have been brought up to simply reject the idea that we have to accept being told no!

Recently I attended a training by Ben Atherton-Zeman, an amazing male activist in the movement to end men’s violence against women. His program Voices Of Men (www.voicesofmen.org) puts emphasis on the word. He has a bumper sticker stating “No doesn’t equal Try Harder.” In his one act play, he uses a scene from Rocky where Adrian repeatedly has to tell Rocky no (verbally, with body language, etc.) and he just continues to try to persuade her to do what he wants.

This concept, that people can’t accept no for an answer has been lingering in my head for the past week now. I decided to discuss this in my session with some of the youth I speak to (ages 11-18) and that’s where the quotes in the first paragraph were taken from. When we’re young, no is probably one of the most common words used by our parents; while we’re learning what we can & can’t do and what’s right & what’s wrong. When we’re little, we learn very early how to start using manipulative techniques toward our parents to turn the so common “no” into a “yes” or “go ahead” or “fine, do what you want.” Children can be very persistent when it comes to getting something they want. It seems as though just a simple “no” can never be a sensible answer, because it’s always followed by a question of either “why?” or “why not?”

I believe we carry this process a long with us through the years, and some, may actually never rid it. Men, as many know, and this doesn’t apply to all – are extremely one track minded when it comes to interacting with women. I think the excitement of being physical with a female, in most cases, places men in a mind-set of doing “whatever it takes.” This is a selfish, harmful, and privileged way of thinking. If a man is trying to be intimate with a woman, and she says no (in any form) the initial response is to try to change her answer, instead of accepting it. Most men have been socialized uninterested in women, other than sexually, so much so that women’s voices become irrelavant to them. This is why it seems to me as though a woman’s answer to or denial of a man’s wants is so subtly ignored. Manipulation & coercion are very prevalent tactics used by men in situations as such to acquire their gratification of lust while maintaining power & control. If these common behaviors are used by men in this “whatever it takes” mind-set, imagine how the fear of rejection or being told “no” enhances this.

So I have to ask myself as a parent to a son, and as a man, do we start instilling this type of behavior in our children as discipline, without realizing the effects as they become boys & men?


J