"Hooking Up" - What Does It Mean and Who Does It Benefit?

It's completely more acceptable in today's society, and some say it's even taking the place of "dating." Or, maybe that it's even in hopes of creating something more. We have to ask why has it become more accepted for the gender that it's been so frowned upon for years. Primarily, I think because it's transformed to what the "dominant" gender desires and what is called upon for the other gender to fit in. Also, I believe it may have to do with a freedom that once wasn't possessed, and now is.

Men create bonds with other men and hold these bonds with seriousness. To maintain this bond, be one of the "guys," or be accepted it requires that you treat women in a certain way. If you don't treat women as less, as sexual objects, or as a convenience you don't get to keep a high status with the guys. Then you're considered soft, weak, or looked at as if something is wrong with you, because women don't deserve your respect - at least not as much as the guys do. A sure way to maintain a high status is by sleeping with as many females as possible.

Females also have pressures that come along with male bonding. If you don't befriend a guy in the manner that's parallel to the other guys - then you will not be accepted by the guys or even some females. Its like women have to walk a tight rope with their behaviors, because if they're too sexual - they're a slut. If they're not sexual enough, they're a prude or a lesbian. If they don't want to talk to you then they're a bitch or again a lesbian. I heard on the radio the other day the top 5 complaints women have about their boyfriends. They consisted of things such as, I wish he would spend more time with me, I wish he would be more affectionate, I wish he was more compassionate. I forgot the other two, but I think you get the picture. A guy can be all of these things a woman isn't supposed to be, and it's accepted without consequences.

I think girls realize (maybe not consciously; maybe conditioned to think so) that if they don't play by "guy rules," then they don't get to play at all. With the way girls are sexualized at a younger and younger age in today’s world it's easy for them to become more apt to believing their sexuality defines them or that it's all they have. It is certainly one of the only things that is important to most men. This idea coincides perfectly to the way men bond with men, and the way that women bond with men or men bond with women.

Now you throw in the vague phrase "hooking up," mainly used by the younger generation. Which I've heard defined as many different things ranging from a kiss to having sex. The main theme of the phrase though, is just that - anything from a kiss to having sex. As one girl states in Denice Ann Evans documentary, Spitting Game: The College Hook Up Culture, "It's just a night of meaningless sex." This phrase is an advantage for guys if they don't actually have sex. If a guy says, "Hey man I hooked up with [insert name] last night." Most likely he'll never be questioned about it, and it will be assumed that he had sex - not risking losing status. On the other hand, because of the strict gender codes women have to fit into no matter whether they're being critiqued by another female or by a male. If they say "Me and [insert name] hooked up last night." It can be assumed that it was only a kiss, so she isn't frowned upon for being promiscuous – maintaining her stereotypical subservient status.

"Hooking up" majority of the time involves alcohol. Usually, a guy feeding another girl drinks in hopes that he can get her drunk enough to sleep with him. In my field, we call that rape! Maybe she did consent, but legally, she's not in a coherent enough state of mind to actually be able to do so. So we have to wonder, is the hook up culture just correlating with the rape culture that already exist? It's hard enough for women to report rape as it is, but "hooking up" could essentially be creating blindness to the thought that it could be rape. If alcohol is involved it's a key component when it comes to women blaming themselves. So from this perspective, do we really just have a lot of rapist running around thinking that they "hooked up," and women not questioning it, because they think "it's just a night of meaningless sex?"

Male privilege is an element in victim-blaming that is ubiquitous. Men usually don't have any responsibility for their actions, and it comes down to blaming someone else first in hope that they don't have to be at all accountable. We live in a society that puts so much emphasis on the victim when it comes to sexual assaults. It is highly unlikely that anyone would spout out something like "he should not have been drinking that much, and went to the room with her." This is a statement that needs to start being said, because men should have just as much responsibility as women. Just as all of the other men around have a responsibility to intervene and keep him from going to the room.

Women, more than men seem to want a relationship. In the hook up culture, it seems that you "hook up" first, maybe in hopes of dating or just because it is what you wanted to do at the moment. Women (not all) I think feel with both dating and "hooking up" that they may become emotionally attached. Which guys fear (subconsciously or after the fact) "hooking up" sometimes for the simple reason women may become attached or start seeking a relationship. Men seem to value their own independence, just as they value independent women. If a guy thinks a girl will become clingy or is needy it's an immediate red flag, because majority of men aren't looking to settle down or ready for commitment. At least till later in life. In a study done by Carolyn Bradshaw at Madison University, the number of "hook ups" between men & women nearly doubled the number of first dates.

Insecurities can make you feel unwanted or unloved. Maybe "hook ups" are a void for filling those insecurities, like a quick fix to make you feel momentarily like you're wanted and loved. It's possible that people are so insecure about relationships that they only "hook up," because fear of failure. Let’s face it, I believe there's a lot more relationship worthy women then there are men. Only "hook up" worthy guys are a lot easier to come by, and that's what the majority of them would rather anyway.

Women are absolutely entitled to "hook up" with as many men as they want, and should not have to face scrutiny for doing so. Unfortunately though, they most likely will. Not only from men, but sometimes most harshly from other women. So we have to ask, who sets that standard for women? "A lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets!" A popular saying by guys confirms they really do want a woman who is "experienced," she’s just not supposed to be open about it. In reverse guys do not have to keep quiet about their sexual encounters, because they have no reason to.

By and large more women are finding ways to stop playing by "guy rules." This is great and is done by creating equality; which is the main fuel of feminism I believe.

In this I’m not saying a woman can't "hook up" and it just is that! What I am saying though is that ultimately "hooking up" benefits men from all aspects, even if it may benefit the woman for just a night.

"Boys Will Be Boys" If We Let Them!

When boys are little they start conforming to the boundaries of masculinity fairly quick. They tease, they harass, they fight, they "joke" and ultimately, they bully. When boys turn into adults, if they do any of these things it is abuse and a crime. So we have to ask, why do so many people (including professionals) turn their head to these attitudes & behaviors and excuse it with a "boys will be boys" mentality.

Yesterday morning, I was listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the radio. She takes calls from various people with many different issues, and answers questions they have for her. I have not listened to her on a regular basis, but she seems to be an extremely intelligent woman. She's written a few books, and her radio show is syndicated across the nation to "approximately 9 Million listeners weekly."

A man called in, and said that his son had been facing some problems with the other kids bullying him. (Not word for word) Here's how the conversation went...

Dr. Laura: What do you think your son is doing to be perceived as a target?
Caller: Well, he hangs out with some special needs kids and stands up for them if they're getting picked on.

First of all, as if it's his son's fault that he'd be bullied, because of certain vibes he gives off.

Dr. Laura: So what type of things are the other kids doing to your son?
Caller: They threw a ball and hit him in the back of the head when he wasn't looking. He fell down, and they all laughed and made fun of him. They were having some kind of party in his class, and one of the kids picked up the cool-whip and shoved it in his face.
Dr. Laura: Well, you know boys at that age are just going to do stuff like that!

As if she hadn't already got my blood flowing by implying it would be his son's fault for getting bullied in the first place. She proceeds to say the worst possible thing she could have said!! This is accepting the idea that boys are just going to be violent, abusive, and there's nothing we can do about it because that's just the way they are. Boys are not born violent - they become violent as a result of society and what they've been taught. I've not stated this boy's age for one, I don't think it's relevant and also I don't remember exactly - I just know he was in elementary. Wait, it gets better! So, what is her suggestion to fix all of this?

Dr. Laura: I suggest you put your son in karate so that way he can walk around with a stonger (more masculine) posture so other boys will be less likely to pick on him!

GAG! So she's suggesting to instill the already ingrained (in so many boys) "guise" or front that boys carry around not allowing them to show their emotions. Because it's what social norms about masculinity tell them they have to do, and if not, then get ridiculed, scrutinized, & abused. I'm not saying you shouldn't defend yourself if needed, but this idea is giving them a false sense of self, and hindering their ability of expression in any other form than that of violence.

We've got to get out of this traditonal way of thinking. It's misleading boys, but it is also perpetuating the acceptance of violence, abuse, and bullying. It became clear to me yesterday that it is also professionals we've got to extract this sort of negative belief system from. Especially, the ones who have such a broad audience of listeners who probably think that, "because she's a Dr, she knows what she's talking about."

As adults, it is our job to create an environment for our children where this sort of behavior is not acceptable, nor tolerated!

J