The conditioning of "No"

“It’s a powerful word” says one female student. “It makes me angry” says another male student. I believe we can all relate to both of these statements regardless of our age or sex. As a society we have been brought up to simply reject the idea that we have to accept being told no!

Recently I attended a training by Ben Atherton-Zeman, an amazing male activist in the movement to end men’s violence against women. His program Voices Of Men (www.voicesofmen.org) puts emphasis on the word. He has a bumper sticker stating “No doesn’t equal Try Harder.” In his one act play, he uses a scene from Rocky where Adrian repeatedly has to tell Rocky no (verbally, with body language, etc.) and he just continues to try to persuade her to do what he wants.

This concept, that people can’t accept no for an answer has been lingering in my head for the past week now. I decided to discuss this in my session with some of the youth I speak to (ages 11-18) and that’s where the quotes in the first paragraph were taken from. When we’re young, no is probably one of the most common words used by our parents; while we’re learning what we can & can’t do and what’s right & what’s wrong. When we’re little, we learn very early how to start using manipulative techniques toward our parents to turn the so common “no” into a “yes” or “go ahead” or “fine, do what you want.” Children can be very persistent when it comes to getting something they want. It seems as though just a simple “no” can never be a sensible answer, because it’s always followed by a question of either “why?” or “why not?”

I believe we carry this process a long with us through the years, and some, may actually never rid it. Men, as many know, and this doesn’t apply to all – are extremely one track minded when it comes to interacting with women. I think the excitement of being physical with a female, in most cases, places men in a mind-set of doing “whatever it takes.” This is a selfish, harmful, and privileged way of thinking. If a man is trying to be intimate with a woman, and she says no (in any form) the initial response is to try to change her answer, instead of accepting it. Most men have been socialized uninterested in women, other than sexually, so much so that women’s voices become irrelavant to them. This is why it seems to me as though a woman’s answer to or denial of a man’s wants is so subtly ignored. Manipulation & coercion are very prevalent tactics used by men in situations as such to acquire their gratification of lust while maintaining power & control. If these common behaviors are used by men in this “whatever it takes” mind-set, imagine how the fear of rejection or being told “no” enhances this.

So I have to ask myself as a parent to a son, and as a man, do we start instilling this type of behavior in our children as discipline, without realizing the effects as they become boys & men?


J

Spitting Game: The College Hook-Up Culture

www.collegehookupculture.com

What has created a culture of young adults that engage in frequent "hooking up" while in college? Is it Drugs? Alcohol? Normalized sexualization? Denice Ann Evans explores the answer to this question in her truly amazing and insightful award winning documentary by venturing into the minds of college age students, parents of students, and professionals. I highly recommend this to anyone that is an educator, has children that are in highschool or college, professionals, or basically anyone. Check it out here- (http://www.collegehookupculture.com/) watch clips, read about Denice and more!

College is a place where kids are leaving home for the first time; probably rarely explored the thought of being alone and utimately still searching to find themselves. College is a place where as stated in the documentary a place that is supposed to be fun, but also a time for learning, and in the new generation apparently a time for "hooking-up."

We have to ask ourselves, "Have we as a soceity created a breading ground for negative behaviors to infest the lives of our children?" What if it was said that "hooking-up" is just something that is becoming more of a norm and a part of this generations lifestyle? We have to look beyond this statement and investigate the root cause of this behavior. Which I believe is found in this documentary.

Please support the continued efforts of amazing people like Denice, in the journey to find answers and create a solution! Once again, go CHECK THIS DOCUMENTARY OUT!!! http://www.collegehookupcultur.com/ - It is amazing!!

From Denice herself, "Thanks for this great shout-out Jeremy! I appreciate the support so very much. I am offering my DVD at a special discounted rate to all your readers and FB friends & associates. If you could send this info. out or add to your post--that would be great! Anyone interested can just email me at: jhuefilms@gmail.com
"

Follow her on Twitter - @mshookupdoc

Like SPITTING GAME: The College Hook Up Culture on Facebook

Dallas Desire, Fooball for Women or Pleasure for Men?

I recently came across a post on facebook by a someone who I consider family. It was a link to an interview of women that were trying out for a Women's football team, called Dallas Desire - awesome, right? This wasn't normal football though. While the women do wear shoulder pads & helments, it seems they are lacking the rest of their uniforms. No, they're not naked!

They are members of the Lingerie Football League, and the slogan is "True Fantasy Football." (http://www.lflus.com/) This is full contact football that women are playing literally in their underwear. Let's keep in mind that some of these games are played on astro turf! Ever had turf burn? Definition of Lingerie - Intimate apparel worn by women. So we've placed these women in their "intimate" night wear to be physical with each other, while being oppressed at the same time, for who? Not other women. When we place women in these environments to be exploited sexually they're perceived as less of humans, and what I mean by that is men tend to start viewing them as only sexual objects & that's almost always the first step to justifying violence against a person. For instance, strip clubs, men go there for the pleasure of a woman sexually but yet has not real connection or interest to her values as a person - it's all for instant gratification. While I know this isn't the same thing, we're placing these women into an arena of exactly what guys want, revert to the slogan "True Fantasy Football" - which the creators of this league coined and it's absolutely unintelligently brilliant - a bunch of partially clothed women playing what seems to be a vast majority of men's favorite sport and calling it a "fantasy."

So I pose the question, is this sport really for Women? How often, if at all, do you see sports containing men running around partially clothed (besides swimming) & participating in a physical contact sport? Society is tailored to men, and if anyone hasn't realized this then they're blind to the world around them. In everything women particpate they're sexualized in some manner, and objectified to extreme portions from the time they're little. For example- (http://www.cnbc.com/id/29721771/Beach_Volleyball_Ads_Could_Spike_Attendance) and the goal here isn't to get women to attend these sporting events! When is the last time you've seen men objectified or sexualized to get women to come to men's sporting events? When you mix the sexualization of these women with a physically violent sport it sends damaging messages to men that reinforce this skewed perception of women, but also perpetuates sexual violence! We see normalized sexual violence all the time in images, on TV, and now it's being put into real life.

People often, too often, ignore the influences soceity has on gender's in general, but specifically women. Everywhere you look a woman is being dehumanized & belittled sexually and into objects. So while I support women who want to plays sports, and believe that a woman has just as much right to do whatever a man does - I don't believe it should have to come down to the women's expense.


J


Jfallout1212@yahoo.com - Feel free to email me or leave comments


http://www.stepupagainstviolence.com/

The Pixel Project’s Voters’ Choice Campaign

Step Up is a proud supporter and invites you to read this post from the Pixel Project, an innovative Web 2.0 effort to turbo-charge global awareness about violence against women while raising funds for WAO and NCADV. As an awareness raising partner of the Pixel Project, we are pleased to share this information with you.


The Pixel Project’s Voters’ Choice Campaign

In our last post we told you to check back her for some news on an exciting new Pixel Project campaign. Well, here it is.

As you know, we are raising funds for WAO and NCADV by selling pixels from our exclusive online mystery collage of male celebrity role models for US$1 each. This fundraiser is currently set to launch in October 2010. We have already photographed two wonderful men for our collage (a Nobel Laureate and a Pulitzer Prize winner), and now we are looking to add more.

Here’s where you come in. We have selected five exceptional male actors with strong family connections, a record of charitable work and no history of violence as candidates for our inclusion in our collage of male role models. Now we want the general public to decide who we should invite to participate in The Pixel Project.

All you need to do is visit our voting page here and click on your choice, sign the petition and then help us spread the word. http://www.petitionspot.com/profile/5325491/The_Pixel_Project/

The two actors with the most votes will be sent the voting results and the petition letter.

We strongly encourage you to add your name to the online petition that will be sent to the actors to ask them to participate as a male role model because they need to hear from all of us. The petition is being managed through http://www.petitionspot.com/


We have also set up five Facebook pages—one for each actor so you have a way of keeping up with the progress of the campaign and how your choice of male role model is faring in the polls. Tell all your friends and family to get behind their favourite actor and help us get to our goal of 20,000 votes for each celebrity.

Do we have your attention yet?

Good, because there’s more you need to know, like the names of the nominees! Here they are, with links to their Facebook pages:

• Alexander Skarsgard
• David Tennant
• Hugh Jackman
• Jake Gyllenhaal
• Will Smith

We’ll be following the campaign on The Pixel Project Facebook page and right here in our blog, so stay tuned.

Thanks for your help and support! Be sure to vote soon—the campaign ends on 17 June 2010!

Check out their webiste here http://www.thepixelproject.net/ or there is a link located to the right of this blog.





Vote Now! -http://www.petitionspot.com/profile/5325491/The_Pixel_Project/

The Process of "Stepping Out of the Box" through Imagery

This picture was taken in August of, 2006 at Minute Maid Park in Houston. It was the first time i'd ever been there, but there was another first I got to witness as well - Andy Pettit's first career home run!



It was definitely a very male dominated atmosphere, and I went with 4 other males. If you notice my posture - it's upright, chest out, eyes straight into the camera, and no emotion on my face. Which to many would be considered the norm. I just reverted to looking through all my facebook friends and the majority of the pictures were very similar to this photo, in that there was hardly any expression on the faces of the men. Men are taught as they grow up not to express emotions or show feelings. There were also a couple with hands up in the air, and a couple of guys working out. There were only a few pictures of just guys that carried smiles, but the majority of the guys expressing any kind of joy, or emotion were accompanied by a female or a child. As Jackson Katz says, "being a so called "real man" you have to take on this "Tough Guise" in other words, you have to show the world only certain parts of yourself that the dominant culture has defined as manly"
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI) - I would say especially if alone. I think it's so ingrained into the male mentality that when acting out this "tough guise" it is seldom consciously. Imagery plays a huge part on our perceptions of what it means to "be a man" growing up as a boy. It also portrays views of what norms are to be "a woman" to our little girls. Through various forms including TV, Magazines, Video's, Cell Phones, Computers, Advertisement, Games, etc.

I took this picture about two years later, I would say 6 months in on educating myself on traditional beliefs, attitudes, & behaviors about social norms and what it means to be a man & how these beliefs affect women. In this picture, I seem rather unsure of how to feel about myself. I had just dyed my hair, which typically isn't looked at as a "man" thing to do. Although, I starting dying my hair in high school. There is a little bit of expression trying to come out, but seems to cease at the point of uncertainty.
As a man, going against traditional beliefs of what it means to "be a man" can be a very difficult. Gender codes are rarely noticed until broken, then they get ridiculed to the extent that it's easier not to go against them. Whether suble or blatant conformity through imagery is very present, via gender display. If you notice in the picture that i'm in a more passive position; looking up at the camera & seemingly powerless; which would be considered a feminine pose by norms, although it's merely a photo.

This last photo was taken in the summer of 2009. As you can see I look quiet relaxed, have a smile on my face, and enjoying life. (Note: I was at a car show which had a dominant male popluation, and along with a male dominated atmosphere.)
The difference in this photo is that it's lacking the essential "guise" that seems to be incorporated into men and displayed in the first photo. With about two years of self-examination and making conscious change I can say I've stepped out of the traditional "man box" feeling like a complete different person. Trying to live up to traditional masculinity was a weight on my shoulders that I didn't even realize was accompanying me in everyday life. By stepping out of the box, it doesn't mean that you can't still participate in regular activities. Simply, just observe your behaviors, don't repress emotions, and don't accept other men's negative behaviors - especially towards women. If you watched the youtube video by Jackson Katz, (posted above) you're aware of what box I'm talking about stepping out of. Posture, could also be considered as a front that men may feel they have to put on. I think the most contempary term for it would be "hard." If you look in advertisements, the men's posture & poses mostly portray this same sort of "guise" no matter what form it takes place. (strong, assertive, dominant, powerfull, in control etc.)

Imagery can be beautiful, and often is. Whether home made photo's or picture in a magazine, the images they display can be wonderful to the eyes. We have to understand that images also have a damaging affects as well. We're often oblivious to the fact of images portraying negativity, because they're so normalized in society. So, I urge you - look past what you're actually looking at when it comes to images, specifically adverstisement and any imagery that sexualizes & objectifies women!


http://www.stepupagainstviolence.com/

"It's only Words"

They can come from a fascinating verse in a song, or even the whole chorus. They can be a line out of a poem or in a movie that makes your heart melt, and sends a tingly feeling over your body. They can even be more influential with a beat in the background that makes your blood pump rapidly, and makes you want to jump up & down or throw your hands in the air. Sometimes, they even come from the person sitting beside you, and create chills that crawl down your arms, make your hairs stand up on the back of your neck, or even bring a tear to your eye.
A lot of people would say, they don't affect us though.

Whether coming from an everyday conversation, a book, magazine, TV, or the radio - words & lyrics are constantly being projected into our ears, and minds. The messages that are most common, or the most normalized are also the ones we tend filter into our subconscious and leave them to stagnate, or resurface only to make relative to a present conversation. This is something that we're aware of when brought to our attention, but how often do we actually acknowledge them? Many of us let these messages sit in our filters too long and acclimate to become a part of our traditional mind-set. When is the last time you cleaned out your filter, and started over fresh?

Words are extremely powerful, and I can't stress the importance of that enough. Kids and even adults hear messages through lyrics on a daily basis. Given the majority of this era's life function is based around music - at work, home, in the car, or even out in the backyard on a nice day. Now days, kids even bring their I-Pods & MP3 players too school! We all have that one song we could listen to a million times over, but have you ever actually analyzed it further than from the meaning only incorporated to your own personal? But, again - they're only words, right? That is what I hear a lot, and yes they are only words. It's only words in the Bible that a Pastor preaches to us weekly as well and look how much of an impact scripture has had on people's lives for generations. Words are a crucial component in the developement of our beliefs. It's only words that were said to the 13 yr old boy in North Texas, that led him to feel so self-worthless he would take his own life. If "it's only words" - then how are they doing so much damage, how can they have so much force and power, if "it's only words"? Just to note, I'm not claiming that one line of a song, book, or a scene in a movie is going lead to an immediate simulation or cause of any single form of violence, but they do perpetuate it.

As the messages portrayed by words are reinforced to us daily by whatever apparent resource - (parents, teachers, coaches, music, media, TV, etc.) we become numb too them or in reverse they can completely take over our mentality. They become accepted as norms and facilitate our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors towards whatever message is being relayed. It's like we're immune to the negative affects of our own language when being sent in form of lyrics, videos, TV, movies, media, and even people. In music we hear men mostly talking about women in sexual and objectifying ways! The XM top 20 on 20, includes "Sexy B****, by David Guetta ft. Akon" "How Low Can You Go, by Ludacris" "Good Girls Go Bad, by Cobra Starship" just to name a few of the many contemporary songs available. (Not denouncing older music sends the same sort of messages) Find the lyrics to any of these songs and you'll see how men have completely devalued & dehumanized women into sexual objects with words. It’s become so prevelant that some women are conditioned to fall into this ploy that their sexuality is what they're defined by. Lets just hope you haven't had to endure the viewing of any these videos, because they display objectification & sexism that coincides with the lyrics to extremes, and aids hindering ones thought process by normalization. Every time we hear a negative or degrading statement about or to a women (or anything) it becomes more "normal" to us. The problem with it becoming normal is we become desensitized to it & therefore it has no meaning. Often we don't realize that the belittling, repetitious words still have the same effects on our perceptions towards Women in our society! Also, we must realize that if consciously or even unconsciously we make a degrading, derogatory, or dehumanizing statement too or about a women, it gives the message to other's that it's acceptable - even if it's in a joking manner! When we humorize these notions, it minimizes the severity of the problem and how our perceptions reflects our attitudes & behaviors.

The children growing up in our society are taught that this kind of behavior is what it means to "be a man" or "be a woman". Typically blame is placed somewhere else, and responsibility is not accepted by an individual for occurrences that take place, but has no correlation with their own lives. Reality is, if we allow other's to act with misogynistic or violent outburst in our presence and do not intervene - then we're complicit in the negative effects of that behavior, no matter what form it's in.

Roll With the Punches

We hear it all the time, and i'm sure it's been around for before I was thought of. "Roll with the Punches" is a very common used phrase to say move a long and keep going forward, don't get off track or take what comes your way. Yes, i'm back on language if you've read any of my other blogs, but could it be a subtle way of saying "just accept the violence." Or stick with the abuse you're going through and move with it the best you can? It was said to me by a dear friend/co-worker just last week and bells went off in my head! I wasn't offended by it, or nor did I get mad but it triggered that internal alarm i've acquired for normalized grammar that is damaging. I've been to busy to write about it until now. "Roll with the punches" is used in many different circumstances, but it's mainly used as a motivational line to not quit or give up, and to keep going. When we acknowledge violence in our language, and normalize it by using it as a tool we create a minimized sense of it's actual severity. I don't want to roll with any punches, and nor should you! I'm not a boxer, but that's the only time I think anyone could be told this phrase and it be acceptable. There's so many alternatives in language that we can use to not desensitize society to violence; we just choose not too! It's the way we're conditioned, it's the way we're taught, etc, etc, etc. blah blah blah. It's a reoccuring cycle of nonsense that is produced in the masses and portrayed to our children and is reiterated by social norms, communities, and families. This is only a very, very, small fragment of the big picture, but it still makes you wonder- where does it end or how far will it go? So next time you're having a difficult time, and don't want to suffer or stay with the abuse that's being handed to you.. don't accept "Roll with the Punches"... You Roll with life, or roll with problems, roll with circumstances and find a positive way to move a long but don't ever "Roll with the Punches" no matter what situation it's given to you in!

Are you Willing?

When we grow up we're structured to behave and act as to what is "normal" by perception of society! Who though, really is to decide what normal is? As we become older we try to fit in here or there because it's what everyone else is doing. Even if you considered yourself a leader, you still acted accordingly to how another person was.(whether you realized it or not) So, in a sense you're being controlled by society or peers- even though you make your own decisions. As a kid you're not mature enough to make always the most logical decisions- so you make them based on what you've been taught whether it be from parents, peers, or media. In a society where violence is prevelant in media and/or at school and very likely at home as well, you become desensitized to it. Social norms contribute vastly to the way we're raised. In a sense we're unconsciously controlled by it or in turn abused. When we go against norms; we're criticized because it's not what society wants us to be. I heard a country song just this past weekend where the artist recited " I don't dye my hair and I don't tan, because baby I'm still a Man" Well I dye my hair, and I tan - so whats that make me? A woman? See- society views tanning and dying hair as feminine. Although I watch football, drink beer, and still do guy things - because of social norms, people ( like the artist) would portray me as less of a man! As well as for all the men that stand up for violence against women. Because we show compassion for women we're looked at as weak, feminine, or gay. All this is due to what society see's as "normal". Why does everyone want to be like everyone else? "In order to be irreplacebale one must always be different" - So why can't all men stand up for violence against women, knowing that they all have women in their lives they care about. My perception is- the weak ones are the ones who are silent, because it's us who speak out that are under the most scrutiny from other men (and women). So to ALL Men I ask this- Are you willing to Step Up and be different?

Jeremy