Are you Willing?

When we grow up we're structured to behave and act as to what is "normal" by perception of society! Who though, really is to decide what normal is? As we become older we try to fit in here or there because it's what everyone else is doing. Even if you considered yourself a leader, you still acted accordingly to how another person was.(whether you realized it or not) So, in a sense you're being controlled by society or peers- even though you make your own decisions. As a kid you're not mature enough to make always the most logical decisions- so you make them based on what you've been taught whether it be from parents, peers, or media. In a society where violence is prevelant in media and/or at school and very likely at home as well, you become desensitized to it. Social norms contribute vastly to the way we're raised. In a sense we're unconsciously controlled by it or in turn abused. When we go against norms; we're criticized because it's not what society wants us to be. I heard a country song just this past weekend where the artist recited " I don't dye my hair and I don't tan, because baby I'm still a Man" Well I dye my hair, and I tan - so whats that make me? A woman? See- society views tanning and dying hair as feminine. Although I watch football, drink beer, and still do guy things - because of social norms, people ( like the artist) would portray me as less of a man! As well as for all the men that stand up for violence against women. Because we show compassion for women we're looked at as weak, feminine, or gay. All this is due to what society see's as "normal". Why does everyone want to be like everyone else? "In order to be irreplacebale one must always be different" - So why can't all men stand up for violence against women, knowing that they all have women in their lives they care about. My perception is- the weak ones are the ones who are silent, because it's us who speak out that are under the most scrutiny from other men (and women). So to ALL Men I ask this- Are you willing to Step Up and be different?

Jeremy

Violence Made Acceptable, if by a man, says this Columnist

If you're a sports fanatic and/or devoted to a certain team then you know the level of emotions that come a long with being a fan. You put your heart & soul in to three or so hours of happiness, joy, dissapointment, yelling, cheering, etc. For men, there's an additive of adrenaline you feel running through your veins as someone makes an amazing catch, or in reverse if a player missed a tackle, or the quaterback throws an interception. I can't speak for women, on this aspect of it. I know though, because as they say "I bleed blue & silver." I've been a HUGE Cowboys fan since before I was old enough to even understand the game. When is enough, enough though? I recently read an article that two Eagles fans attacked and assaulted a Woman wearing a Tony Romo shirt. (http://www.nbcdfw.com/blogs/blue-star/Eagles-Fans-Assault-Woman-in-Tony-Romo-Jersey-81256642.html ) Sadly, it didn't suprise me one bit after seeing how they repeatedly threw snow balls at Santa Clause (of all people) in a game previously in the year, and just knowing the reputation of these fans! What did suprise me though, is what was said in the aritcle! (written by a man)

"Physically assaulting another man for rooting for a different sports team is one thing, but a true gentleman never hits a lady"

Realistically, he's portraying the mind-set of the majority of men in society. Why is it though society see's it acceptable for a man to hit another man? A true Gentlemen wouldn't hit ANYONE!! Hence, "Gentle"! Saying that it's ok to hit another man is equivalent to saying that violence is acceptable! There's statements in the article taken from the woman assaulted, and it seems her attackers mistook her for a man, because her hair was tucked into her shirt. This in NO way justifies the actions of these two men! She closes her statement saying:

"When they saw my face, you could see the look on their faces change," she said.

The man who wrote the article begins the conclusion with this:

"What a heartwarming twist at the end"

Are you serious??? A woman was attacked by two men, but once they realized it was a woman they ran away and "looked shocked". How in the hell is that heartwarming?? Can someone please explain that to me? These two men mistakenly assaulted a woman wearing a Tony Romo SHIRT and when they realized it was a woman they were shocked and ran. To the writter, that makes this behavior acceptable? This is really disheartening! Not that it's coming from a man, but because it's being put into a news paper and displayed to tons & tons of other people to reinforce this idea of violence is tolerated as long as it's a man assaulting another man. Not to mention, this writter has not a bit of empathy for this woman who was attacked!!! Heartwarming? are you kidding me? ...pathetic ... ok i'm done!

Entitlement in Words

For centuries men have had a sense of entitlement over women! I think it begins with the bible, as it states "Man should head the household." It also states "as he heads the church" I think the meaning of men heading the house has become very skewed in the sense it has been perceived they're suppose to "be in charge." This misconstrued belief of men being in charge contributes vastly to the entitlement men feel they have in the world, especially over women. All of this connects to the attitudes, behaviors, & beliefs of men about women, and is linked to violence towards women. A lot of people may find this part of my blog offensive, or take it personal because you feel I’m attacking Christians! This is NOT the case! To clarify, I’m not saying what the bible says causes violence against women. I am saying, that the misperception and how its meanings are taken out of context do help aid it. Do you know one of the most frequent places sexual assaults of children occur? Church! Anyway, men in whatever form- have taken their entitlement over women to extreme proportions over the years. It's definitely prevalent and most visible in main stream T.V., Music, and our everyday language. WORDS ARE POWERFUL! I can not stress the importance of that statement enough! All the "normal" b****, p****, h*, etc. These words are very belittling, and are used very commonly in men's everyday language. Especially when referring to other males to challenge or devalue their status as a man. These words and many others are ingrained in men's vocabulary and are accepted by society! This acceptance that it's ok to use degrading terms directed at women just reinforces male entitlement. "You throw like a girl"-"you hit like a girl"- "quit acting like a girl"-"stop bickering like a girl"-"you're crying like a little girl"-"quit whining like a girl" .... Ok I think you get the point! These "slogans" are constantly used to keep boys conformed to social norms. The message that is tagged a long with them though, is that if a boy does anything wrong he gets compared to a girl, and that boys shouldn't be compared to girls because boys are "better" This is the basic concept that our kids are taught, instead of the values of equality. So in this, I urge you to once again, examine your language! Critically examine the language of all your family & peers (especially men) and start creating change to bring about equality for women! Step Up!


Jeremy

Abuse

It's very prevelant in present day, it has many differnt forms to which it is described. Hidding behind closed doors and open to the public, this has engulfed our society in a very negative way. Ruining lifes and destructing the path to the future for our childern, its cruel slience lingers in homes throughout the world.

Loud screaming, followed by sceaming cries; frightened and secluded it suffocates your mentalilty. Remarks out of anger transform into hatred or rejection, fueled by what lies deep within. Flowing consistantly through your veins, liquid poors in your stomach or a sharp needle peirces the skin. On a daily basis it's the dictator of your routine. The burning rush up your nose, and the sudden burst of engery. Horrified, because you're fighting for survival from the one you thought who loved you the most. Covering up purple swells from getting slapped open handed. The only time piece can be found is in isolation. Endless contribution to feelings of worhtlessness; it crawls through the mind, down to the heart, and into the soul. Without warning, a broke nose, a black eye. Held down unable to move, it takes advantage and uses force. Innoncent childern are scared for life and by this continuing the cycle.

The pain creates a feeling inside the stomach that can't be defined. Emotions are sky rocketed, leaving the mind to race with hopeless thoughts. Exhausted mentally and physically, it becomes in total control of every aspect. Trying to live with it is almost unberable, because it creates drama no matter what shape or form it's in. It will continue to destroy homes, childern, and lifes while remaining a thorn in the side of society..

When it comes to standing up for abuse, it can't be abused. It can be contained and slowly make progress in a postive direction. With the information there is today on every sort of abuse, a strong enough support, it can be overcome. Abuse in most cases is sort of swept under the rug, or not paid enough attention to. This creates alot of conflict with ending the cycle.

It's to common in today's world and is a controlable problem with the right amount of effort and proper amount of attention. The creator of the problem, is the ultimate solution to the problem itself. Abuse has been around for centuries, and will probably be around for the duration of our lifetime. Think of this though, you most likely know someone that is struggling with some form of abuse. Someone close, or just a co-worker, it's a person you know. Shame, embarrasment, fear, all make it difficult to talk about, although in most cases words are not needed.

Men Take A Stand!

How can Men take a stand Against Violence Against Women?
Men’s attitudes and behaviors are shaped in powerful ways by their male peers. Men’s lives are also highly structured by relationships with other men. Violence against Women affects all men equally, because we all have women close to us- whether it’s our Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Grandma, or close friend. Men have to become great examples in implementing nonviolent masculinity by practicing & teaching qualities and behaviors such as listening, empathy, and respect for Women a long with other Men & Boys. Men have to change the traditional acceptance of social norms and become allies to Women.

Ways Men can be an Ally:

• Learn how prevalent and pervasive Violence Against Women is
• Realize that “Violence Against Women” is a Men’s issue.
• Critically examine your own beliefs & attitudes towards Women and other Men & Boys.
• Earn trust from Women
• Seek advice from Women and Men in the Movement
• Accept responsibility to Step Up for Violence Against Women

Ways Men can take a Stand:

• Understand and believe that you’re not speaking out on behalf of Women, but because it affects and offends you as a Man.
• Hold other Men accountable for their actions
• Educate yourself and others on ways social structures contribute to violence
• SPEAK OUT EVERY CHANCE YOU GET.
• DO NOT fund companies that support sexism and the objectification of women.
• If you have a problem with violence towards women-be responsible and seek help.


Who needs to be involved?

• Every Man & Boy
• Men with Power (Preachers, Principals, Sherriff’s, Judges, Coach’s, Governor’s, Mayor’s)
• All of the Community (Church’s, Business’s, School’s, Organizations, Clubs)



Quotes-

- “First step to creating change is awareness” – Ted Rutherford
- “Not All men are the problem, but All men can be part of the solution”– Jeremy Flowers
- “If you choose to do nothing, it’s a choice with consequences” – Jackson Katz


Resources for Men:
www.StepUpAgainstViolence.com
www.Responsiblemen.net
www.JacksonKatz.com
www.acalltomen.com
www.menstoppingviolence.org
www.mencanstoprape.org
www.menagainstdv.org

"Young Men" or Boys

"Young Men" today have a difficult time accepting responsibility. While in college or that age range, "youg men" are still learning what it is to be a man. Some of them still searching indefinitely for who they are, and how they're supposed to behave to be "one of the guys" The problem with this happening at this stage in life is that many of their core values are concrete, and extremely hard to change. "Young men" in todays society are not always open to new ideas, or opening up a new thought process, because they're "men" and what they think is "right" & "how it should be" and not to mention they have been conditioned their whole lives to believe this way. After giving a training to a group of college athletes, it was brought to a new level for me that "young men" can't accept responsibility for something they believe is not an issue for them. This is something I've known for a while, but it just really sunk in yesterday. Everytime I even mentioned that a man should be responsible for a behavior or action, the rebuttals immediately diverted the focus back to women. It was like victim-blaming, with a honeymoon stage. If she doesn't want to be raped she shouldn't wear that "short skirt" to get attention, but rape is wrong. I asked them, so is it her fault if she gets sexually assaulted and she's wearing a short skirt? The very first reply was - "If she's going to dress like trash, she's going to get treated like trash" It took everything I had to professionaly repsond to that statement! Many arguments were normal, but I guess, sadly expected from a group of "young men" A lot of the arguements were repetitive, majority of them ignorance, but every sinlge one shifted the responsibility back to women. We focus on bystanders in our presentation, and a lot of the bystander aspects play in to our audience as we're presenting. So I have to think, are these ignorant comments being vomited everywhere during the training just guys looking for other males acceptance- thinking that's what everyone else thinks, or is it actually their true beliefs. I understand they're under a lot of peer pressure and that's what we're trying to change. It's not easy being a male, in a room full of 50 other males and speaking out in opposition of what everyone else's traditional mind set is. So when I'm speaking i'm not actually even getting true feedback, because these guys are so engulfed by social norms, and not wanting to go against traditional beliefs that they will not speak out. Proof is, guys approaching me after it has ended and speaking to me- but had not said one word during it at all. So why do I put "young men" in quotes? What defines a "young man" or a man for that matter? Is it Maturity, Repsonsiblity, Accountability, Respect? In society we start refering to boys, as "young men" when they turn a certain age. Age doesn't define what a "young man" is! I believe in our society we still have a lot of boys that are in college or in that age range, but get labled as "young men" and therefore have falsified beliefs of what a man is supposed to be. (Along with MANY other factors-media,music,family,church's,etc) So this is why I quote "young men", because I believe many of the males society considers to be "young men" are boys that don't have the proper knowledge of what it really means to be a loving, caring, cognitive, respectable, responsible, & accountable man!... Something to ponder ...


Jeremy
11-4-09

A Challenge!

Boys develope their core beliefs at a very young age, and by the time they reach college they're concrete. To embrace a way of thinking that differs from your traditional thought process is a difficult task. Although, the only thing in life that remains constant is change. If we could get "young men" to realize that growth comes from changing oneself, it would make our work a lot easier. It's not easy though, and it's extremely challenging to change the perception of a young man that has belittled & degraded women all of his life, because either he felt they're inferior or because he just thinks that's the way it's supposed to be. I like a challenge, life is a challenge and my work is definitely a challenge, but I love it. "When we accept tough jobs as a challenge to our ability and wade into them with joy and enthusiasm, miracles can happen."-(Arland Gilbert) The topic, Sexual Assault Prevention- the typical question, "If a women is wearing a short skirt, is it her fault if she gets raped?" Response- from a male law enforcement officer, "She has to have some responsibility" So I have to think this guy is responding from his beliefs & values, because he's a seasoned veteran. I tried explaining to him the difference in risk reduction, and prevention when he told me he tells his daughter "risk reduction tools" all the time. When I tried to clarify his techniques as risk reduction; I immediately got a defensive response of "that's prevention". It took a lot not to reply in a defensive or aggressive way back to him and instead try to describe to him that what he considered to be prevention, was wrong. Another response- "If she's dressing like that, then she wants the attention and shouldn't dress like that to prevent it" See a pattern? "It's the women's fault" is what was implied in basically all responses (every where I go) whether subtle or blatant, it's still diverting responsibility back to women. This is aiding the idea that this is just a women's issue. So what if she wants attention? Who at some point in their life hasn't wanted some form of attention from another person? That doesn't make it acceptable, because of the need or want for attention- that they should be subject to Sexual Assault. Now I get back to where I started- this portrays "men" have a consistent belief system throughout their lives. No matter what age it's established at it tends to stay. The question - how do we break this typical pattern of a mindset that is ingrained into men? The answer - I'm still working towards on a daily basis! Everyone has different theories, ideas, and even curriculum that say "this is how to do it." So until we all get on the same page, we as men (NOT ALL) are hindering each other, and the women we’re trying to help!



Jeremy

Opposite vs Other

In our world today, people seem to think they're defined by their sex. So next time you're out, ask someone what they are and see if they don't respond with "I'm a guy" or "I'm a girl" or something to that affect, I think you get my drift. When first in foremost what are we before we're a male or a female? -We're Humans! When it boils down to it, we're all humans first. So as "humans" we should ALL be treated equal regardless of gender, because it's not a factor. Since we're all humans- Why do men refer to women, or women refer to men as the opposite sex? Sure we have opposite body parts, and different features. Other than body parts what's so opposite about us? Girls are emotional, and guys aren't? Society throws us into these categories as soon as we're born. "What are you having, a boy or a girl?" Then they further this separation of gender when they define us with colors! (Boys = Blue, Girls = Pink) We're conditioned to behave in these "boy" or "girl" ways not only by society, but by our parents, friends, teachers, and various different resources. There is subtle reinforcement everyday through some form of media, or in general living that tells boys and girls how they're supposed to act or behave. Why as a society do we place such a distance between boy & girls, when we're actually just them same. We all have to have the same supplements to survive, we all breathe the same air, We all have the same feelings, We all walk, talk, run, and jump the same. It's basically a pre-existing problem that is called Racism. So would we call this Genderism? Think about this, what has distancing characteristics of boys and girls done for us as a society relationship wise. It's created a sense of entitlement for males, and a sense of subordinacy for Women. I'm a strong believer in Language has a lot of power, and we need to reconstruct our everyday language to help create a change in social norms. So I'm writing this blog to proclaim that the "Other" gender will no longer be referred to as the "opposite" by me. I can't find much about us that is “opposite” and “other” leaves room for all the ways we're alike rather than different. Take some time to examine your own use of words and create a solution to make change. Changing the usage of words is an easy and powerful way to create change in gender difference! Think about it! Let's reduce violence in every way possible, no more demeaning, degrading words, and no more making something as serious as Violence or Sexual Assault funny! It normalizes it, and helps perpetuate the cycle. Be Positive, Be Cognitive, and Be Accountable! Step Up!

Jeremy
10-9-09