Promote The Positive: Step Your Life Game Up

Our #PromoteThePositive campaign is to shine a spotlight on those who are promoting styles of healthy masculinities in order to create change in traditional, limiting definitions of manhood.

Caleb Cole, is a Philosopher of life, Husband, and Stay-at-Home Father. He is committed to the service of others, and has been courageous in his efforts to go against what's typically seen as 'weak' for men to do -- show emotions, love!

Caleb, says, "I won't to help others help them self to just be an all around better person. From giving to the homeless to just being content with who you are, and what you are."

Caleb, is challenging social norms to create change in the perceptions, and hearts of people around the world by being a positive example, and promoting positivity. He adds, "self peace is missing for many people in this world, and with all the bad things being promoted through social media and TV it's about time we all start focusing on the good, and doing good."

He continues: "I am here to motivate, inspire, and liberate people to true mental and spiritual freedom."

 

Caleb isn't playing around, either. He's took a huge step in trying to create positive change, spread a positive message for everyone to 'Step Ur Life Game Up' and taking his example to Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube.

 

He's created a Facebook group for Step Ur Life Game Up (This group is about spreading love, positive thoughts, and letting people be their true self. We are all unique and should express it more often. Find your true self and be it.) If you're looking for a Facebook group to join for more positivity in your life, definitely check out this group! All are invited, no negativity though!

 

You can find him spreading around more positive thoughts and ideas on his Step Ur Life Game Up YouTube Channel

 

Also, you can follow him on Twitter

 

Caleb concludes, "Everyone has hard times or skeletons in their closet, so why dwell on them. Live in the present. After all there is a reason it is called the 'present' and the reason is it's a gift -- enjoy it!"

 

Thank you, Caleb, for taking initiative to create change in the world to make it a better place, and promote what I consider to be an encouragement to all men, to break out of the traditional mold of masculinity, and create change with a positive message!

 

"Life is like a box of chocolates, but you get to pick your box. Chose the box of joy, love, peace, and the rest will fall in place." - Caleb Cole

 

"Sing in the shower, when you're not in the shower." - Caleb Cole

 

Not all men are part of the problem, but all men can be part of the solution! - Step Up

I Will Keep Asking!

I know it’s asked all the time, and if you’re in the movement, you hear it. You may have even asked it yourself. Or, perhaps, since we’ve seen an increase, or you’re aware of those who’ve been around a while, you have an answer to the question.

As I’m getting prepared for the East Texas Crisis Center’s 2^nd Annual Walk A Mile in Her Shoes, asking for sponsorships, trying to recruit men, the question is being reinforced to me.

This isn’t a question that’s a stranger though. I go to speaking engagements and present on the topics of masculinity, men’s involvement in ending men’s violence, and promoting equality. The ratio is a dismal one.

You have probably already figured out what the question is I’m referring to. I’m not saying that there aren’t a great amount of men that are out there being vocal, showing support, and creating change in their communities to promote healthy masculinities, and reduce violence, because there are.

Yet, time & time again, even at events focused strictly toward men, its women stepping up to the plate. Any time I mention anything about creating change that involves men; women are quick to jump on board. Men, not so much though. There are many reasons for this. One, is society has taught us (men) that speaking out, using our voice, specifically toward a cause that is seen strictly as a ‘women’s issue,’ is a sign of weakness. Our conditioning says we’re not ‘real men’ if we step up to the plate along side women to show we support and/or value their worth as equals, or that we care for their well-being, and won’t tolerate or accept men’s violence toward them.

When I go present or train on the prevention of sexual violence, focused toward gender socialization, bystander intervention, and men’s involvement; if it isn’t mandatory, the majority of my audience is female. So, that begs the question, why are females so interested in change in masculinity, and men aren’t? I would go as far to say that they realize that if we can change the way we mold men into a narrowed box of what it means to ‘be a man,’ we can change the world.

Male privilege allows us men to go on in life not realizing what detriments we induce simply from our ignorance. “Ah, there’s nothing wrong with the way men are” you say, but have you really dove into what ‘being a man’ in society means? Being a man in society means that you are not allowed to show emotion, meaning, you’re not allowed to be human. If you show emotions, you’re going to get some sort of reinforcement to get you back into the box, because you can’t appear weak, and we must keep you conformed into the mold. So, why does one choose to not step out of the box? Fear. Fear of being seen as weak, fear of being perceived as not a ‘real man,’ fear of the consequences you may face by your friends and/or peers for doing what ‘only girls do’. Men create a commonplace in fear of not being seen as a man in the eyes of their gender.

 “I’m a good guy, and I don’t commit violence against women.” Well, let me say, that being a ‘good guy’ isn’t good enough. Our inaction and/or silence are complicity. We, as men, must take responsibility for creating change in our communities, our cultures, our inner most circles, and all of this begins with ourselves.
 

Back to the Walk A Mile in Her Shoes event. We’ll be downtown, a handful of men, walking around a square surrounded by women cheering us on. There will be a few men in that crowd, and I’d ask them: “Why aren’t you out here walking?”

To the men who are involved, you are appreciated and your involvement is crucial. But, we must keep in mind that we’re not special, or nor do we need to be overtly celebrated for what we’re doing. Women shouldn’t have to do back flips to get us to see that there is a need for men to step up. And, as men, we should realize that this support of or for our fellow, equal, human, that just so happens to be a female, should be expected from us.

Not all men are part of the problem, but all men can be part of the solution!

 

So I ask….. Where are the men?

Mixed "Defining" Messages, and The Policing of Masculinity!

The routine of a young boy from out of the womb is to love his nurturer (usually mother) and mirror his same sex authoritarian (usually father). With the exception of a father not being around, in which they look for outside resources to imitate, and emulate. We are taught to acquire our most important fundamental human needs from a female. Then we're taught to act like a male. Meaning, males are not typically the one who provide us with our needs, but are those that provide us with an image of how we're supposed to build our character, personality, and competency. As we grow older we're taught to distance ourselves or disconnect from the one we hold the most intimate bond with - mom! In order to become 'a man'.

Socialization creates a stigma around anything that elicits behavior relative to what is considered a 'momma's boy'. Masculinity is unfortunately and mostly defined by what females do and reinforced by emphasizing to not do what females do. This message has two prominent meanings that I think are crucial in making the core of masculinity visible. First, is to keep women inferior. We live in an undeniable patriarchal society that is male-identified, male-centered, and male-dominated. From the time boy's start learning about how to be a person, one of the very first messages and concepts they are taught about being a boy is "girls are bad, don't be like girls". I hear this at my sons baseball games, even from females with statements such as "I'm going to go get you some panties to wear if you don't quit whining." - A Mother. But, it's usually from the men that are overwhelmingly reinforcing this message with statements such as "You should be wearing a cheerleading outfit, instead of a baseball uniform." - A Father. Why is this? Because, girls in the perspective of the social lens are 'weak,' 'emotional,' and essentially, 'less than boys'. Boy's in social perspective are to be strong, in control, dominant, and superior to others (especially females). Secondly, is a deeply ingrained social ideology of homophobia. A boy has to be anything that doesn't portray him as being gay. As a society we relate anything a male does, including showing emotion; which is naturally human, to femininity. We place a stereotypical set of characteristics around a heterosexual male that says if he acts like a girl (in any way) he must be gay. And, being homosexual is normalized as a negative inherency due to the oppression from societal, religious, and patriarchal acceptancy. Therefore, anything feminine (or a girl does) is conditioned into the male mind as perverse. So what does this tell us is one of the basic components at the core of masculinity? Fear! Fear of whom? Men.

As boy's become men they learn very quickly what it takes to be 'one of the guys'. We live in a very hyper-masculine society where you will find boy's always trying to prove 'it'. Boy's are always looking for an avenue to stabilize and/or confirm their status as masculine. We set standards in very vague and contradicting ways that leave boys feeling insecure, continuously looking for ways to, and having to live up to what society says it means to be a man. Since we learn that females don't equate to us as boys, we're not looking to them for clarity in whether or not we are measuring up. Although, men do use women to clarify their status with other males. We look for acceptance from our male peers, father figures, male role models, and males we don't even know. We don't have to know another male to get confirmation of our standing, because all males connect on one essential level -- manhood. Traditional masculinity teaches us to value and internalize the same thing's about manhood. There tends to be one common theme around male solidarity, and that's how to perceive women. I guess we could try to input competition as well, but that's not the point I’m trying to make. Boys readily rely on other male’s approval throughout their adolescents, and into adulthood it transfers to seeking approval of men.


Men create a commonplace in fear of not being seen as a man in the eyes of their gender. This commonplace allows men to divert attention away from their actual fear (because fear is not manly) and place it on the subordinate group(s). Shifting the focus to women (or homosexuals) allows men to get along on a day to day basis without having to face what is actually going on. This is known as male privilege. The constant need for male acceptance from other males remains invisible for the reason of its power of solitude, and its homosexual implications. This is not to say that guys can’t bond or give the occasional handshake/hug, but even that isn’t considered to fall into the category of showing emotion. Rather, it’s one of the few times male bonding is displayed physically, and open.


Normally, men do not associate this commonplace of viewing women as sexual objects, less than, and entitled to, with their daughters, mothers, aunts, sisters, or any woman they are close to. As if the women who have meaning in their life aren’t in the same society as the rest of the women in the world. Sometimes even the women men hold closely to their care aren’t exempt from this type of behavior though.

A never ending search for control of ones self identity in a society engulfed with inconsistent and restricting definitions leaves boys & men with a skewed reality of what it really means to 'be a man'.

I’m aware that this type of socialization doesn’t fit the norm for all men. How often, if ever, do you as a man challenge your own masculinity to see how you contribute to the negative aspects of it? See, we don’t have a choice in whether or not we participate in the system that creates these levels of oppression by men over women, men over other men, men over minorities or any other form. However, we do have a choice of how we participate in the system.

Step Up,


J


(photo courtesy of Google)


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Promote the Positive: Healthy Masculinity!

                                          (Photo courtesy of the White Ribbon Campaign)

We spend a lot of time seeing examples of what is wrong with the socialization of masculinity in our society from violence, homophobia, sexism, misogyny, and etc, etc, etc.

In order to mold a new model of masculinity, one that is inclusive of emotional intelligence, emotional expression, empathy, compassion, promotion of gender equality, and the rejection of negative patriarchal socialization of masculinity; we need to know what that looks like.

So, what is healthy masculinity and what does that look like? Well, we want to know what you think!

If you are or know a person who is a role model of positive masculinity please share with us!

We want to know who they are, how they are a role model for positive masculinity, and what are they doing to promote it.

We want to let everyone know what does healthy masculinity look like! Please share with us via short story, blog, video, essay, you or someone you know who is living and promoting positive & healthy masculinity!

The information received will be shared on our Facebook, Twitter, Blog, and/or YouTube!

We want to illustrate, set examples for our youth, and share with the world positive definitions of manhood/masculinity!

Please Email: Jfallout1212@yahoo.com or Facebook mail us!

Not all men are part of the problem, but all men can be part of the solution -- Step Up!


Check out some organizations who are already educating on, and promoting healthy styles of masculinity: Men Can Stop Rape, White Ribbon Campaign, A CALL TO MEN, Futures Without Violence.

Quit Being a B***h, Man!

The word ‘bitch’ is very commonplace in the everyday language of society. It has many different meanings, but they all have the same underlying connotation.

“You bitch!”

“Quit bitching!”

“Why are you acting like a bitch?”

This word is undeniably gendered, and when used, it’s typically in a demeaning and/or degrading fashion. It’s well known, if you’re a male, that this is something you do not want to be labeled as. Because, what is the most absurd, belittling thing you can do to devalue a heterosexual male? That’s right, compare him to a female.

Soraya Chemaly ask us to do a simple test illustrating gender inequality through language by asking:

“how many boys do you know who would willingly and gleefully trade genders or want to grow up to be like a woman? How many ways, in how many languages, is it acceptable to insult a person by calling them some variation of "girl" or "woman"?”

I’ve wrote on the power of words before, and we all know what a divisive tool they can be to use.

The other day I was riding in the car with an acquaintance that identifies as female. I stated an emotional expression about the conversation taking place, and her rebut was: “you’re a bitch.” Now, regardless of the manner this was said in, it is obvious what its intent was; which was to say, “You’re not being a man” (sigh!).

This is what we’ve been taught by our culture; that natural *human* expression is perceived as relative to our biology. Emotions are controlled by our preconscious automatic thinking. The beliefs we hold about ourselves, and social norms, determine how we interpret these situations.

Socially constructed ideas about *human* roles are detrimental to humanity in many ways. The way we structure our perceptions of reality, are shaped by the language we use.

I’m a man, who is confident in the use of his emotional expression. It may not be perfect or even on par, because I have been taught my whole life that these feelings I get in any given situation -- I must stuff down, and hide. I’m working on being able to let these emotions flow freely now, and identifying them as they come in order to process them.

Each time we reference a man with the word ‘bitch’ we’re not only reinforcing to him that he shouldn’t act ‘feminine,’ with the message being feminine is less, but also, he shouldn’t act human.

We must break out of these stereotypical boxes that society has constructed for us to fit into, because they limit us from our full capacity as humans.

Check out Texas Association Against Sexual Assault’s “Break The Box” Campaign: www.causes.com/breakthebox

The Conditioning & Heart of Men

You may be familiar with bipolar syndrome. It is a diagnosis for a person who has episodes of abnormal energy levels (mood swings) in extreme polar opposites.

Men often portray a (tough) guise as we learn from Jackson Katz. Men need to illustrate their manliness by posturing, stoicism, and dialogue (via ‘The Guy Code’ handbook) to maintain the appearance of their status as a man. Masculinity is a performance a man must act out to express and at the same-time protect his manhood. One of the main reasons men exercise violence as an option is to show the world they’ve lived up to staying inside the socialized box of society’s standards that labels them “a man”. The pressures of the box are never more present than when men are surrounded by the company of other men, and their behaviors may or may not change in the presence of a female (depending on how much she is respected, if any).

The performance of masculinity requires constant self-critique and vigilance to make sure that no one sees misapprehension. Due to the black & white context of the box, there is no gray area. You’re either fully in or you’re fully out. When males reach the age of being able to fully perform, they’ve already internalized all the said tools needed to act out their masculinity. The ideology behind what it means to be a man is so ingrained into the psyche and core of being, that the perception of this performance appears normal, and is believed to be by mostly everyone. 

Over my life span, falling two weeks short of 30 years long, the majority of the men I have met and come to know have huge hearts. They are compassionate, loving, and have an overall concern for the well-being of everyone.But, more specifically, you know who these men have the utmost devotion for? …. Women.Time after time this same majority of men (including my previous self) end up hurting a woman or women in some fashion.

So where’s the disconnection? Does the heart control the mind or does the mind control the heart?

The heart I believe activates the feelings that correlate with when we’re doing something right and/or when we’re doing something wrong. Men are typically socialized to repress and not express emotions when they’re little, because showing emotions is seen as feminine (therefore not manly). Emotions are a human trait, not a gendered one. 

This internalized performance of men has caused extreme distortion in the messages being relayed between the heart and mind. Making the heart desensitized to that which has been conditioned as norm in the mind.

From what I’ve learned of bipolar there are a numerous amount of ups & downs. Men I know who act like the men society has told them they should tend to ride a similar emotional roller-coaster. When they do something they shouldn’t, they feel remorse. When they find out what they’ve been doing isn’t normal behavior toward women, they seem to actively want to create change in that behavior. We raise boys to become men who are in control of their lives in every aspect. The way we show them to have control over their emotions, is to not show the emotions at all. This is a recipe for internal disaster.  

To be clear I’m not suggesting men need to take medicine to deconstruct the conditioning of traditional masculinity.

But….If we can touch the heart of the man and give it inspiration, it can unravel any and all negative conditioning that has been received. 


J

5 Questions About Masculinity.

1. What does being a man mean to you?

Being a man, to me, means embracing the qualities of life that help me to help other's and create a better world for humanity. Being a man is being human. Therefore, being a man means exploring the diversity of human nature, human characteristics, the whole of human individuality  and not only accepting, but also appreciating the (positive) differences in all cultures including my own. Being a man to me means seeking out a sense of self, and purpose, that isn't bound by the shackles of traditional socialization of masculinity  This means looking within to grow and mature my inner-self. Feeling, and processing emotions. Expressing them properly, and constructively. Not out of anger, and violently like how I've been taught is normal, and tolerable for men to do. Being a man, is about being a human role model. Playing a role that is positive in the perspective of all gender identities, and illustrating this thru my behaviors/actions and my integrity, that all humans are equal. Being a man is about being empathetic, loving, compassionate, caring, (mentally & emotionally) strong, altruistic, and being comfortable enough in your (person-hood) manhood to know when to use your voice, when not to. Developing principles to live by structured around the inclusiveness of equality, justice, and love - are essential to being a (human) man. Being a man is being able to free yourself from the narrowed, limiting, and restrictive societal definition of manhood. 

2. Is the societal perspective on the male role positive or negative? Why?

Both. The privilege of the male role typically goes unseen, because that is how the social system we live in (patriarchal) is set-up to function. Invisibility fuels the perpetuation of male privilege & entitlement; which means men aren't talked about enough in the appropriate context. Highly frequent is the 'downfall' fall of men in media. In the societal perspective with the most recent election in mind, and my feminist ideology -- men have a pretty overall negative perspective in society (not saying this isn't justified). We lack in the parenting department, we lack in emotional competence, we cause unjust violence in our country and start it in other parts of the world, and youth males aren't up to speed in academics. On the other-side there are men who contradict the negativity of manhood  and promotion of traditional masculinity. They are men who reject what patriarchy demands of them without worry of repercussions toward the status of their manhood. Men who are confident, nurturing  respectable men --  are out there working toward the betterment of our nation, the world, but are lacking as being vastly seen in the eye of popular or 'normal' manhood. 

3. What are the most crucial elements to healthy masculinity, and how do we promote them?  Or, do we not need to promote healthy masculinity?

The most crucial elements of healthy masculinity are human elements. Our actions/behaviors toward, and about the world are not defined by our anatomy. The most crucial elements of masculinity are those that prosper, and influence the well-being of other's and self as a whole. Kindness, empathy, compassion, understanding, emotional capacity, and love are all crucial elements to the production of healthy masculinity. If we can centralize the conditioning of our youth around core values & beliefs of equality, justice, and love we can make great strides in opening up the rigid definition of what masculinity is today. 

How do we promote it? Learn it, live it, and teach it. We must make the movement toward healthy masculinity a lifestyle, not a practice. 

4. What are the worst elements of masculinity? How do you feel we change them?

I wouldn't say there is a element of masculinity that is the worst. I do think that society has poorly emphasized the wrong attributes of masculinity as the necessary ones (tough, strong, always in control, dominant, etc.). We must change these by reshaping the idea of what it means to be a man in the lens of social normality. Focusing on the more human qualities of men, and less on the outdated concepts of what makes a man be 'a man'.

5. How do you personally work on your own masculinity to be the best person you can be? Or do you at all?

This is a daily struggle. Unlearning everything that I've been taught, and internalized as what it means to be a man, because it was wrong. I challenge myself to recognize the ways in which I (as a white, heterosexual, able bodied male) provide a path for discrimination, inequality, sexism, racism, and then change the direction I'm headed. For me, it is a journey to find my true inner-self, and to focus on unconditional love of all human beings. Deconstructing the conditioning of a patriarchal mold of maleness isn't an easy task. In fact, for me, it was having the core of my belief system uprooted. Although, at the same-time feeling a huge relief to my being. I try to read as much as I can pertaining to masculinity, discuss masculinity with other males (and/or females), watch lectures, and then reflect inward to measure the areas that are in need of improvement. And, there's always room for improvement, for everyone -- always!!!

The Nastiness of 'The Guise'

“Indeed, what would lead a man who, by all accounts, loved family, friends and football and had overcome great odds to make the National Football League as an undrafted pick out of the University of Maine to take such shocking actions? A man raised by a single mother, he had achieved so much in such a short period that he had widely been considered a great role model for what could be done through hard work, grit and determination.”

I imagine you’ve read or heard a statement similar to the one quoted above following a tragic act of violence perpetrated by a man. This is all too common.

“Jovan Belcher, 25-year-old starting linebacker for the Chiefs, a man and an athlete spoken of in the highest regard by everyone from his high school teammates and coaches to his fellow professional football players. They, too, were stunned.”

Masculinity is a performance, a routine, an act. When placed on center stage or in the spotlight, the show is exaggerated to the highest of levels. A young professional athlete, a wife, and a child -- from the outside it would appear that Jovan had the formula for living a great life. And, apparently, that is exactly how it appeared to those he was closest with.

We raise boys to build up walls and imprison their emotions. This entails taking on certain styles of posturing to exert and/or portray manliness. This posturing Jackson Katz refers to as the "Tough Guise”. Katz says, "being a so called "real man" you have to take on this "Tough Guise" in other words, you have to show the world only certain parts of yourself that the dominant culture has defined as manly" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI). Since emotions are categorized as feminine (instead of human), men are not allowed to express to the world what is on the inside for fear of being seen as 'weak'. So it gets masked on the outside.

When men internalize the notion that we must always be confident and in control it is easy to hide the truth from other's about our feelings. Even denying our own feelings or not being able to recognize them become symptoms. Men are taught to repress emotions, except anger. When we allow anger to be expressed as a primary source for solutions it creates a misconception that it is the best and/or only one.

It is reported that Jovan had a previous record of violence. Abusers are often professional manipulators, and learn how to parade around a facade while in the public eye. "You can't talk to me like that," said Belcher to Kasi Perkins, right before shooting her, according to the Kansas City Star newspaper. Domestic violence is rooted in power over & control of another person. The status of a man 'being a man' is equated with how well he can establish and maintain power & control. See an issue?

Men acting like men by society's traditional standard of 'being a man' continues to illustrate being a detriment. We must learn to recognize this as bystanders in the lives of men around us. Unfortunately, that isn't an easy task. Most of us have been conditioned to perceive masculinity the same way men have been taught to act it out. So when a man is 'being a man' we tend to believe that nothing abnormal is going on. Until it is too late.

Another woman and child have lost their lives due to violence at the hands of a man. I'm not going to site statistics, because one is too many. It is time for us as a society to quit being stunned by the tragedies the conditioning of masculinity produce and instead promote, live, model and educate on different, meaningful, ways to be a man.


Not all men are part of the problem, but all men can be part of the solution.

One is Too Many…or is it?

This blog was inspired by the image seen below.

(Image provided by AU Green Dot on Facebook. A bystander initiative to prevent, and end power-based violence)


Where did these stats come from? Also, how can we trust the validity of these stats?

Well, that’s sort of the point of this blog. Does it really matter?!

In my work as a sexual violence prevention educator, working with men, I’ve learned to avoid using statistics while giving a training or presentation. Men get really defensive when they’re shown how one-sided the perpetration of sexual violence is, and debating statistics is not my job. Men will make excuse after excuse to try to denounce the accuracy of a statistic like: 1 in 5 women will be a victim of sexual assault while they are in college. Why do you think this is?

Masculinity is like a melding pot of privilege, entitlement, performance, judgment, and constant critiquing the status of ones (and others) manhood. For the most part, when a male hears the word “men” or “man” in a sentence the inclination is to identify with what is being said on the simple basis that he is a man. Therefore, it must be referring to him, too and now it is personal. This reaction is understandable in a society that is male-centered, male-dominant, and male-focused.

In prevention we focus on strategies that create change in beliefs, attitudes, and behaviors which foster support of sexual violence. So, the fact that I do not include statistics in my speaking engagements is rather irrelevant in my opinion. Besides, unfortunately I don’t believe there is anything that vibrates a person at their core more than a survivor’s story or experience of their own.

I think when men take talking about sexual violence statistics personal it’s important that we use this to acknowledge that they are capable of connecting with the issue itself; which when trying to engage them in violence prevention work, is seemingly the hardest for them to do. Even if their reaction is out of sheer frustration, because their privilege is being challenged, it still elicits feeling.

Privilege as we know allows men (especially those of us who are white) to glide through life without having to take responsibility for things that we think have no immediate affect on our lives. Rejection of statistical evidence is another way to dismiss being accountable for changing them.

"There are always two choices in life, either put up with the conditions as they are, or take the responsibility to change them." - Paulo Coelho

Diverting attention away from the violence itself is distracting us from addressing the root of the problem!

Before I get a huge backlash from the hyper-masculine population, let me say I wholeheartedly believe that one act of violence committed toward a man is too many, too. I’m not denying the fact that men are victims & survivors to violence as well.

I understand that statistics are a crucial element to illustrating the severity of violence, and that in turn provides funding for programs that are working to end violence, and/or providing support for victims of violence. When in society we have people that see a statistic, and completely dismiss the violence to argue the validity of that statistic ..we have a problem! This has happened numerous times in my trainings, presentations, and even on Step Up’s Facebook page. I say we leave the validity of statistics to those who need them (statisticians, granters/funders, etc.) and in the societal narrative build the foundation of our discourse on the concept that 1 is TOO many! Don't you believe one is too many?

Maybe this idea sounds absurd to some, and I’ll accept that. What I can’t find to be acceptable, though, is that a person would minimize one act of sexual violence (or any other form of violence) toward a child, a woman, or another man.

Also, check out the 1 Is 2 Many PSA here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXox6ma1gtE 

Gun Control Is Missing the Point!

By now I'm sure everyone is aware of the horrible tragedy that took place in Aurora, Co. My heart goes out to all of those impacted by the cruel action of James Holmes. At the bottom of this blog I will place a list of places where you can make some sort of contribution if you'd like to help.

It seems as though in wake of this tragedy.. people (beside the President, and Presidential candidate) are trying to exercise their political agenda. I see the left screaming 'gun control' because they feel as though Holmes had too much access, and the right is saying this is exactly why we need guns. I feel as though they're both missing the core of the problem here. I'm not defending the 2nd amendmant, or joining either side, because in my opinion to bring guns into the dialogue is erroneous.

Mainstreem media along with Hollywood play a crucial role in normalizing violence in society. When we're bombarded with messages inclusive of violence on a daily basis we become desensitized to it. We lose our connection to the severity of violence in society, unless it directly affects us; which is saddening to me. Shouldn't one act of violence (lethal or not, masscre or singular) put us in action to show it's not tolerable?

The patriarcharl society we occupy entails a list of standards for men that teach them to be a man they must adhere to it. We glorify, and glamorize men's violence in many avenues across the board (sports, T.V., music, etc.). This condtioning of hypermasculine ills begins at a very early age, and it demands that males reject expressing or showing emotions. Showing emotions is typically seen as feminine, and boys are taught that we should shun anything seen as 'girly,' because that is weak, and (the goal of becoming) a 'real man' isn't weak. While boys are taught to repress (primary) emotions, they are also taught that anger (secondary emotion) is accepted, and sometimes celebrated. Therefore, men are more prone to assert anger and aggression as a substitute or coping mechanism.

When we're talking about guns, and people who committ violence it is a detriment to combine the two. I do not agree with the term 'gun violence'. For one, it leaves the perpetrator out, and implies that guns have a causal factor in violence. Guns are not violent, but people are. I think it's crucial how we frame language around topics of such importance, such as violence, because the language shapes our perceptions. It also portrays who we should hold accountable.

The implications that gun control would prevent a tragedy, like the one in Colorado, correlates with the idea that abstinence only education will prevent teen pregnancy, and STD's (we see how well that works). Blaming or implying blame on guns for violent acts committed by people with guns, is the like blaming words for verbal abuse instead of the abuser. It's not the words that are to blame, it is the person in control of the words! The title of one article read: "It was inevitable, given our lax gun laws". That is in line with those who hold the mind-set rape is inevitable given our 'laxed dress code' in my opinion. Controlling ojects in which a person uses to do harm does not prevent that person from causing harm.

I could care less if there were guns in the world, but guns don't kill people! People kill people!



Aurora Mental Health Center: http://upwr.me/giveamhc

Thrive With Confidence Foundation: http://upwr.me/givethrive

Bonfils Blood Center ($$): http://upwr.me/givebonfils

Bonfils Blood Center (Blood): http://upwr.me/bloodbonfils

Mile High Red Cross: http://upwr.me/coredcross

Defining a "Real Man"

When we try to define what a 'real man' is we're reinforcing traditional masculine ideas or what Michael Kimmel calls 'homosocial enactment' that has shown to be a detriment in trying to prosper an overall healthy society of men. The Freudian model explains we form gender identity through our Father's perspective given he will be the first person we have to prove our manhood to, and at the same time reject the characteristics of our mother. This may still hold a little truth in some cases today.

The modern day socialization of men consists of various traits formed with the notion of what defines a 'real man.’ However, in a boy’s daily routine he is getting good, harmful, mixed, & multiple messages from different men in his life. These men may be fictional, TV personalities, family, friends, coaches, and the list can continue.

 So let us look at the definition of a 'real man.' I'm sure we each could formulate our own so I will proceed to share mine with you. A real man is anyone born with biological parts categorizing him as a male. Now, there are some who say there is a point in life they consider a boy turns into a man. Yet, I find it hard to try to narrow this down to many things other than responsible, respectful, loving, empathetic, and anything that sustains and/or promotes human well-being. Even then every one of these things could in fact be circumstantial, and not concrete.

It is seen all the time. What society or other people's perception of a real man is. Even in the field I work we see it on a regular basis. For example, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and there are a host of events, but one in particular called "Walk-A-Mile In Her Shoes" that has men stand in red high heels to show their support, and that they are taking a stand to end men's violence against women. This is excellent! Although, I see repeatedly with these events organizations (amongst other's) advertising these men as 'real men.' There is a plethora of different signs displaying messages or symbolizing what the definition of a 'real man' is throughout the internet, and especially on Facebook.

Sadly, socializing this narrowing definition of a 'real man' plays benefit to male privilege. When we construct & maintain a long list of labels assigning what a 'real man' is and what a 'real man' isn't we are setting up a safe guard with implications that a 'real man' has an exemplary status. The problem with this is when a man acts with behaviors that do not fit; then he is (and his behaviors are) constantly getting excused, and dismissed as ‘not a real man.’ Instead of being examined to be held responsible. It also decreases a sense of holding men accountable when we can just easily toss him off on to the not manly list.

Basically, all men are real men. Real men make mistakes, real men are good men, real men are bad men, and real men do not have to be subject to staying within the confines of a socialized definition of masculinity. .

Men: Why us? Sexual Assault Awareness.

April as many of you know is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. As I scurry through my Twitter, and Facebook post I see men readily speaking out against sexual violence! YAY, this is awesome, right? Of course it is! Minus the fact that I don't see any more (as in men who weren't speaking out last year) men taking a stand for the cause.

As a man myself I've been where you're at whether it be feeling complete apathy toward using your voice, don't know how or where to start, or fearing that by speaking out for this cause (that is strictly seen as a women's issue) you'll face ridicule for stepping outside your socially constructed man box. You could even feel timid for the simple fact of how you will appear for 'siding' with women and betraying your bro's. However, I concede that we traveled different paths and each man has to individually find his way out of their own patriarchal mold.

But, let's take those reasons of maybe "why not" and set them to the side so that we can focus on the "why". Somewhere in your life (assuming you are working with competent mental and normal moral capacity) you've either experienced something personally or have seen someone else experience pain, hurt, and suffering. The one who says they can't relate to this I must say is one lucky person. Yet, when we hurt and/or see other's hurt we feel a need to cease the anguish. It is what I would consider a basic human instinct to want to relieve someone from their distress.


Right now there is a seemingly unrealistic number of people enduring some form of pain due to sexual violence. Sexual violence isn't like a bruise that fades, it is an imprint on the mind and soul that takes time (if ever) to heal.

So, why men? First, lay down your notions of gender and let's speak in the context of people...humans! One act of sexual assault is too many, agreed? If we rely on this as our foundation, that no one deserves or should ever have to be subjected to forced or unwanted sexual actions then we're making progress. Men, you (and I) have a responsibility to each other as humans to implement a style of healthy masculinity in our communities. Why men? Men, because the majority of you (and I) do not condone sexual violence, and if we recognize this, and use this to our advantage -- then the men who do commit & perpetrate sexual violence would be held accountable, and powerless.

So I'm asking you, as a man to please use your voice. There are many simple ways to do this. Tweet it, post it on Facebook, or even take a bigger step if you feel comfortable and post a YouTube video. You can change your profile picture, avatar, or even write a blog. Whatever you do, please don't do nothing. Our inaction is still an action, but on the side of the perpetrators.

Here are a couple of things you can use:

"I'm a man who does not condone sexual violence. Violence is a men's issue and we all have stake in ending it."

"April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. It's time.. to talk about it. As a man I'm responsible for using my voice, and raising awareness to this issue."


For more information or questions please contact us!

Find Step Up on Facebook or Twitter or email us StepUpAgainstViolence@Hotmail.com

Manhood: A Course

The quest of manhood requires an extensive training course; which can be given by many different instructors throughout your life. This course is very unique in that it never ends. You will receive many grades a long the way, most by way of pop quiz, but the one thing you’ll be relieved of in this life long process is a final exam.

A lot of people like to believe that age is something that defines a man. When a boy turns eighteen he’s old enough to go die for our country, so that makes him a man. Or the day a boy turns twenty-one, because he’s finally old enough to drink a beer. Others believe its responsibility, character, and/or values that define what a man is. Traditionalists usually hold to ideals of toughness, provider, or ‘head of household’ that gives you status as a real man. In college, your status as a man most likely depends on the amount of women you can have sex with, how much alcohol you can drink, and/or what fraternity you belong, sport you play, etc. In high school these are pretty much the same stipulations for male status minus the alcohol factor (although it can be included).

As being students of patriarchy, we become oblivious to our own work as the professor. We (men) play just as much of a role in grading other men as they do in grading us on how ‘manly’ we are. Society sets standards for men that are constantly performed for and by other men to equate a proper status quo of a ‘real man’. This is not something new to us as we enter into what the majority considers to be manhood, because we start getting messages about how to be a man when we are still only little boys. These messages teach us the privileges of trying to live up to said standards and the detriments if we don’t reach expectations. These messages also hinder us from flourishing into our full capacity as a human being.

This course is a life long course, because there is no concrete profile of a man that is exempt from having his masculinity challenged. And, a pop quiz can take place at anytime, and anywhere. In fact, challenging another’s manliness is a way for one to prove his status as a man. Adhering to strict definitions, and gender policing of the male role creates a divide between men and women. It also furthers a hyper-masculine ideology that fosters beliefs supportive of violence. This must change!

We focus as a society too much on trying to socialize a definition of a man. The emphasis placed on the difference in gender creates perceptions and ideals of one another that we are not alike, and therefore not equal. When we detach ourselves from the concept that a man has to be dominant, always in control, and unemotional we will prosper in the form of equality.


The goal and responsibility for us to produce an egalitarian society demands that we raise boys to be humans first. We must reinforce commonalities among women and men to cease the inferiority of women, and provide for them an environment that allows for equality for all.

Man Law Violation

A Man Law Violation seems to be a phrase used when men don’t act accordingly to the ‘guy code’ or the unwritten rules of being a ‘man’. Who knew that you could pick up a book of guidelines on ways to conform to rigid gender roles? I must know who is the author of these man laws? There is nothing more I want than to be defined by the negative traits of traditional masculinity, rather than be myself - a human!

I first seen this tag #manlawviolation on twitter via Dallas Cowboy running back Tashard Choice (@tchoice23). It is uncertain to me whether or not if he’s the one who originated it. Choice has somewhere around 40k followers, so needless to say he generated the tag rather quickly, and it peaked my interest.

To give you some examples of what negative traditional masculinity looks like, and a portrayal of strict gender policing I will share the following:

@EauLeDoet #manlawviolation Never offer to buy another man a milkshake
@CATDADDYEARL #manlawviolation two grown men living together..c’mon SUN
@All_Yall_Lying #manlawviolation Swinging your arms when you walk (that boy is gonna to be a sissy)
@bobleesswaggerss Just heard this Grown ass man ask another Grown Ass Man do he wanna do lunch 2mar!! #ManLawViolation!
@Jay_Denae No man should be calling a friend, male or female their ‘bestie’!! #ManLawViolation
@DMVExecutive Getting bossed by ur girl by any extent #ManLawViolation

And, lastly my favorite (because I do this) is from Tashard himself
@tchoice23 wanna give a s/o to the dudes that send smiley face texts to girls and give a kiss before they hang up #manlawviolation



If you have a twitter account you can check out this tag, and see many more examples of what is considered ‘unmanly’.

This type of prejudice against men who don’t conform to traditional socialization of masculinity creates gaps in the work toward equality. Qualities of a man should not be negatively defined by the words he has chosen to speak, acts of kindness he has shown toward another male, how he walks, and/or any other trait that doesn’t adhere to the ‘guy code’.

A lot of these illustrate the pure lack of tolerance by men (and women), for another man doing anything that is normally considered feminine. The implications to this would bring about the conclusion that women don’t equate to men, and men that do things that are seen in other’s perspective as feminine don’t equate to men either. When we compare what a man does to a woman, and in a demeaning way, we’re saying that the men being like women aren’t manly enough, and that women can’t be like men. In other words ‘women aren’t as good as men’.

Gender socialization of men affects other men as it does women. To create change in an environment engulfed with male privilege, sexism, and detrimental norms we have to start denouncing behaviors that perpetuate these ideas. We have to eradicate rigid gender roles, gender stereotypes, and gender policing!

Together we can make a difference! Step Up!

The Object.....Girl!

If you're reading this I think it would be a safe assumption on my part to say that you're not going to agree with what it says (whether male or female). And, frankly, that does not bother me one bit. However, I would like to ask you to read it, hear me out, and provide me with a rebuttal. If you agree...excellent!


Society focuses its production of norms in gender highly around the sexualization of women. We see it in TV, music videos, 'style', and even at a young age we ingrain the message that females appearance is their worth or value via beauty pageants, traditional feminine roles, etc. I explained the opposition to this socialization (for boys/men) in another note previously.

Patriarchy over the years has continuously dehumanized, and devalued women by making spectacles of their body. The female body has been objectified as another way to create profit. In other words women have been reduced to being a body, not a human. Contemporary times has given us the means of such things as pornography, Playboy, Hooters, etc, etc. All of these directed specifically toward the exploitation of women to increase revenue. For whose pleasure? It should be blatant.

When is the last time you've been to a restraunt that had men walking around shirtless (since that's an acceptable norm) or in scantily clad clothing? Or have seen a porn film that concentrated on the womans orgasm and/or didn't involve girl on girl? Also where the woman wasn't just a body to be f*cked in every orifice and used as a cum receptacle? Know of any magazines that have lasted half a century, profited billions, and featured center folds of naked men?

Women are the definition of human beauty. And, because so, this does include their body as a part of them; which is and can be breathtaking to the eye. We as humans should enjoy the beauty of men & women rather than exploit and take advantage of such. Women should be able to engage in sex as much as, and whenever they please. They should be able to pose in an artful way nude (by their own choice) to illustrate the beautiful nature of the female body. But when doing these things or taking on a role as waitress that is partially clothed (with conditions that are structured for profit and to reiterate their value as sex objects) we have to to recognize the negative consequences that it has on women as a whole by reinforcing a male privileged, male-centered, and male-entitled concept - patriarchy!


This note was inspired by current situation going on in Tyler. A chain is trying to open up here called Double D's and people in the city are fighting it. Normally, i'd be in opposition to the traditionalist, but not in this case. I do not support companies who seek to gain profit at the expense of women. This in no way promotes human well-being, and that is what I'm about!

You've got a mother, sister, and possibly even a daughter. You may even be a female yourself. How is it that anyone can say morally, respectfully, and/or honestly that they think that the perception in society of women as sex objects should be acceptable?

Shifting Responsibility.

We live in a society where you have much emphasis on safety, self-protection, and responsibility for yourself. However, it seems that we do not require that same self-responsibility when it comes to holding perpetrators of sexual violence responsible or accountable. Society tends to believe collectively, especially in the eyes of law enforcement, that the perps time imprisoned is how they're being held responsible. Which, in some sense, is true.. Yet, this is after the fact.

Combine victims of sexual assault with this skewed perception of self-responsibility or lack there of, and readily in every case of not evident restraint (and even in those cases) the victim is who draws the most focus for being responsible. We all know the typical accusations of blame that people place on the victim (she was wearing a short skirt, she shouldn't have drank that much, she led him on, etc, etc, etc.). The one that probably is most destructive in my opinion is when they claim the victim "had a choice". "They chose to go to his room," "They chose to get drunk," or the latest, in the case of the 11-year-old raped in Cleveland, Tx "she chose to go that house with them boys". These fault implications are said in a manner of completely disregarding the fact that the perpetrator has a choice too. A choice, in which if is made right we don't even have anything to discuss! I think it's important to point out too that if the victim of a sexual assault is a male, the same victim-blaming tactics aren't constructed. Is this another, unfortunate, yet still plausible display of male privilege?

Society needs to begin making a more conscious effort of placing self-responsibility for ones actions on the perpetrators of those actions. Holding people to a responsibility of proper choice can aid in prevention of sexual violence. Does it matter if she wore a short skirt? No. Does it matter the victim was kissing a person's neck, and hand their hands inside of the other person's pants? No. When we place all of the focus on the victims, it shadows the behaviors by the perpetrators that need to be projected into the focal point of our discourse. Extremely problematic is this cycled perception by society that perpetrators need to have consequences, but it's still the victim who caused it. When we imply that perpetrators have no control over themselves we are leaving no room for hope of solving the problem. Sadly, the popular belief is there isn't any hope. Those of us that work in the field however, are not that passive and are well aware that this issue is not inevitable.

It’s simple. Stop. Blaming. The. Victim!




To reinforce the message that dress doesn’t matter, and sexual violence isn’t the victims fault; there are a number of “Slut Walks” going on around the nation. It began with some amazing women in Toronto, and is now spreading through the states. I just recently had seen a post for one that will be in Dallas on April 23rd, from 1-3 pm. http://www.pegasusnews.com/news/2011/apr/11/slut-walk-dallas-april-23/ Look for one near you, because it’s NEVER the victims fault!

Carleton Sexual Assault Centre & The Ally Project

As we all know Sexual Violence is a pervasive problem around the world! It doesn't exclude one country, just as it doesn't discriminate against a certain race, socioeconomic status, or person.

Social networking has become a vivid part of promoting, raising awareness, and just everyday life in the the movement to end sexual violence. I've gathered many excellent resources via social networking, have came in contact with, and have met some amazing allies that are doing tremendous work. Just recently (via Twitter) I connected with a woman named Julie Lalonde, who is a co-creator of The Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre. The Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre advocates on behalf of the voices of Carleton students to develop a student-run, university-funded, sustainable, and accessible Sexual Assault Centre (SAC) on Carleton University’s campus (http://carleton-sasc.ca/).

Julie, a profound activist, advocate, feminist, and voice for ending sexual violence & I crossed paths due to the "The Ally Project". The Ally Project is an initiative put together by the Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre. Check out their You Tube channel here: http://www.youtube.com/user/CoalitionforCU The Ally Project is calling out to all men, and non-gender identified peole to share their stories, and speak out against gender-based violence.


The Ally Project was the motivation & inspiration behind the launch of Step Up's "It's Time to Get Involved. Men. Speak. Out." Campaign for Sexaul Assault Awareness Month. We want to thank Julie, The Coaltion for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre & The Ally Project for their efforts in not only engaging men, but also setting an example, and being a leader to other organizations - including Step Up!

From child to adult, person to person. From city to city, state to state. From border to border, country to country. We're all in this together, and together we can make a difference! If you have a voice, it's time to use it. Step Up, and become an Ally!

Please submit your video's for "The Ally Project" here: coalitionforcarleton@gmail.com

It's Time...to Get Involved! Men. Speak. Out.

As you may know April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month (SAAPM). This year's theme from the National Sexual Violence Resoure Center (nsvrc.org) is "It's Time to Get Involed!"






This theme correlates perfectly with the mission of Step Up, and the movement to prevent sexual violence. It is definitely time for Men to get involved in the prevention of sexual violence.

To promote this years NSVRC theme in conjunction with Sexaul Assault Awareness and Prevention Month; Step Up is engaging men to get involved with a 'Men Speak Out' campaign.

If you're a man who doesn't condone violence against women, and believes that we have a role to play in ending it; then please share with us your thoughts in a short video. It can be 20 seconds, or 5 minutes.

Please submit videos to StepUpAgainstViolence@hotmail.com Your video will be posted on Step Up's You Tube, Facebook, and Twitter. We will also use your videos to encourage other men to become involved in ending Sexual Violence. By speaking out, we're saying that we do not agree with behaviors that foster, and perpetuate sexual violence. Remember, silence = acceptance. Please use your voice!

"Every time a man's voice joins those of women in speaking out against rape, the world becomes safer for us all!" - MenCanStopRape.org


It's Time to Get Involed, Men! Together We Can Make A Difference! Step Up!

The Bible & The Submission of Women

It's Sunday morning, and if you're a religious person you're most likely headed to Church. You arrive to hear a male preacher speak the word of your God. He recites many verses directly from the Bible, but let me ask this - does he ever address the misogynist or sexist ones? Do you ever address these personally? It's easy to pick & choose what verses from the Bible you believe apply to you.

For centuries the Bible has been the book or guide to life. People foster its meanings as a core to their beliefs. As a friend of mine, Melissa (daughter of a preacher) says "Most religious people can't think for themselves." I believe this statement is true when speaking in reference to codes of gender. Women are held inferior to men throughout the Bible and in society. When we're little we take on assumed roles in which we acquire by what we're taught. We see how other's around us act in different environments and adapt to fit this "norm." When things are normal to us, we are comfortable to the idea of how they exist in our lives. Therefore they go on without question.

Sexism runs rampant through the Bible; let me give you some examples.

"Women should remain silent in churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission..."1 Corinthians 14:34

1 Timothy 2: 11-12 "Let a woman learn in quietness with all subjection." "But I permit not a woman to teach, nor to have dominion over a man, but to be in quietness."

Oh did I mention misogyny as well?

Genesis 3:16 "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

Deuteronomy 22: 28-29 "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found" "Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." This passage is implying also that a woman is the property of her father, and she's less of a human because of being a victim of rape!

I could go on, but I assume you get the just of it. This idea of women not being equal to men has been deeply ingrained into the mind-set of a society that is ultimately based on religion and has been from the beginning. An idea that has led to us allowing women to be left with facing some of the most horrendous treatment from men. This skewed belief that is still imprinted into a lot of present day mind-sets has also led many women to follow this idea that they're not equal to men. Many of which probably don't even realize that they're in compliance, because it is so normal to them!

I do believe every one is entitled to their own beliefs. Everyone I believe also knows the difference between what's right, and what's wrong. So as a society we have to start questioning what's normal. Even in the most comfortable environments we occupy. We have to ask hard questions, and try to understand why we live in a society that is so tolerable to inequality, sexism, and violence.


To end violence, misogyny, sexism, and create equality for women it's going to take cultural change! So what does that mean when we live in a culture that is highly based on the Bible's teachings? Not saying this is the only cultural norm that needs redefining, but it is a big one.



J

"Hooking Up" - What Does It Mean and Who Does It Benefit?

It's completely more acceptable in today's society, and some say it's even taking the place of "dating." Or, maybe that it's even in hopes of creating something more. We have to ask why has it become more accepted for the gender that it's been so frowned upon for years. Primarily, I think because it's transformed to what the "dominant" gender desires and what is called upon for the other gender to fit in. Also, I believe it may have to do with a freedom that once wasn't possessed, and now is.

Men create bonds with other men and hold these bonds with seriousness. To maintain this bond, be one of the "guys," or be accepted it requires that you treat women in a certain way. If you don't treat women as less, as sexual objects, or as a convenience you don't get to keep a high status with the guys. Then you're considered soft, weak, or looked at as if something is wrong with you, because women don't deserve your respect - at least not as much as the guys do. A sure way to maintain a high status is by sleeping with as many females as possible.

Females also have pressures that come along with male bonding. If you don't befriend a guy in the manner that's parallel to the other guys - then you will not be accepted by the guys or even some females. Its like women have to walk a tight rope with their behaviors, because if they're too sexual - they're a slut. If they're not sexual enough, they're a prude or a lesbian. If they don't want to talk to you then they're a bitch or again a lesbian. I heard on the radio the other day the top 5 complaints women have about their boyfriends. They consisted of things such as, I wish he would spend more time with me, I wish he would be more affectionate, I wish he was more compassionate. I forgot the other two, but I think you get the picture. A guy can be all of these things a woman isn't supposed to be, and it's accepted without consequences.

I think girls realize (maybe not consciously; maybe conditioned to think so) that if they don't play by "guy rules," then they don't get to play at all. With the way girls are sexualized at a younger and younger age in today’s world it's easy for them to become more apt to believing their sexuality defines them or that it's all they have. It is certainly one of the only things that is important to most men. This idea coincides perfectly to the way men bond with men, and the way that women bond with men or men bond with women.

Now you throw in the vague phrase "hooking up," mainly used by the younger generation. Which I've heard defined as many different things ranging from a kiss to having sex. The main theme of the phrase though, is just that - anything from a kiss to having sex. As one girl states in Denice Ann Evans documentary, Spitting Game: The College Hook Up Culture, "It's just a night of meaningless sex." This phrase is an advantage for guys if they don't actually have sex. If a guy says, "Hey man I hooked up with [insert name] last night." Most likely he'll never be questioned about it, and it will be assumed that he had sex - not risking losing status. On the other hand, because of the strict gender codes women have to fit into no matter whether they're being critiqued by another female or by a male. If they say "Me and [insert name] hooked up last night." It can be assumed that it was only a kiss, so she isn't frowned upon for being promiscuous – maintaining her stereotypical subservient status.

"Hooking up" majority of the time involves alcohol. Usually, a guy feeding another girl drinks in hopes that he can get her drunk enough to sleep with him. In my field, we call that rape! Maybe she did consent, but legally, she's not in a coherent enough state of mind to actually be able to do so. So we have to wonder, is the hook up culture just correlating with the rape culture that already exist? It's hard enough for women to report rape as it is, but "hooking up" could essentially be creating blindness to the thought that it could be rape. If alcohol is involved it's a key component when it comes to women blaming themselves. So from this perspective, do we really just have a lot of rapist running around thinking that they "hooked up," and women not questioning it, because they think "it's just a night of meaningless sex?"

Male privilege is an element in victim-blaming that is ubiquitous. Men usually don't have any responsibility for their actions, and it comes down to blaming someone else first in hope that they don't have to be at all accountable. We live in a society that puts so much emphasis on the victim when it comes to sexual assaults. It is highly unlikely that anyone would spout out something like "he should not have been drinking that much, and went to the room with her." This is a statement that needs to start being said, because men should have just as much responsibility as women. Just as all of the other men around have a responsibility to intervene and keep him from going to the room.

Women, more than men seem to want a relationship. In the hook up culture, it seems that you "hook up" first, maybe in hopes of dating or just because it is what you wanted to do at the moment. Women (not all) I think feel with both dating and "hooking up" that they may become emotionally attached. Which guys fear (subconsciously or after the fact) "hooking up" sometimes for the simple reason women may become attached or start seeking a relationship. Men seem to value their own independence, just as they value independent women. If a guy thinks a girl will become clingy or is needy it's an immediate red flag, because majority of men aren't looking to settle down or ready for commitment. At least till later in life. In a study done by Carolyn Bradshaw at Madison University, the number of "hook ups" between men & women nearly doubled the number of first dates.

Insecurities can make you feel unwanted or unloved. Maybe "hook ups" are a void for filling those insecurities, like a quick fix to make you feel momentarily like you're wanted and loved. It's possible that people are so insecure about relationships that they only "hook up," because fear of failure. Let’s face it, I believe there's a lot more relationship worthy women then there are men. Only "hook up" worthy guys are a lot easier to come by, and that's what the majority of them would rather anyway.

Women are absolutely entitled to "hook up" with as many men as they want, and should not have to face scrutiny for doing so. Unfortunately though, they most likely will. Not only from men, but sometimes most harshly from other women. So we have to ask, who sets that standard for women? "A lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets!" A popular saying by guys confirms they really do want a woman who is "experienced," she’s just not supposed to be open about it. In reverse guys do not have to keep quiet about their sexual encounters, because they have no reason to.

By and large more women are finding ways to stop playing by "guy rules." This is great and is done by creating equality; which is the main fuel of feminism I believe.

In this I’m not saying a woman can't "hook up" and it just is that! What I am saying though is that ultimately "hooking up" benefits men from all aspects, even if it may benefit the woman for just a night.