The quest of manhood requires an extensive training course; which can be given by many different instructors throughout your life. This course is very unique in that it never ends. You will receive many grades a long the way, most by way of pop quiz, but the one thing you’ll be relieved of in this life long process is a final exam.
A lot of people like to believe that age is something that defines a man. When a boy turns eighteen he’s old enough to go die for our country, so that makes him a man. Or the day a boy turns twenty-one, because he’s finally old enough to drink a beer. Others believe its responsibility, character, and/or values that define what a man is. Traditionalists usually hold to ideals of toughness, provider, or ‘head of household’ that gives you status as a real man. In college, your status as a man most likely depends on the amount of women you can have sex with, how much alcohol you can drink, and/or what fraternity you belong, sport you play, etc. In high school these are pretty much the same stipulations for male status minus the alcohol factor (although it can be included).
As being students of patriarchy, we become oblivious to our own work as the professor. We (men) play just as much of a role in grading other men as they do in grading us on how ‘manly’ we are. Society sets standards for men that are constantly performed for and by other men to equate a proper status quo of a ‘real man’. This is not something new to us as we enter into what the majority considers to be manhood, because we start getting messages about how to be a man when we are still only little boys. These messages teach us the privileges of trying to live up to said standards and the detriments if we don’t reach expectations. These messages also hinder us from flourishing into our full capacity as a human being.
This course is a life long course, because there is no concrete profile of a man that is exempt from having his masculinity challenged. And, a pop quiz can take place at anytime, and anywhere. In fact, challenging another’s manliness is a way for one to prove his status as a man. Adhering to strict definitions, and gender policing of the male role creates a divide between men and women. It also furthers a hyper-masculine ideology that fosters beliefs supportive of violence. This must change!
We focus as a society too much on trying to socialize a definition of a man. The emphasis placed on the difference in gender creates perceptions and ideals of one another that we are not alike, and therefore not equal. When we detach ourselves from the concept that a man has to be dominant, always in control, and unemotional we will prosper in the form of equality.
The goal and responsibility for us to produce an egalitarian society demands that we raise boys to be humans first. We must reinforce commonalities among women and men to cease the inferiority of women, and provide for them an environment that allows for equality for all.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Man Law Violation
A Man Law Violation seems to be a phrase used when men don’t act accordingly to the ‘guy code’ or the unwritten rules of being a ‘man’. Who knew that you could pick up a book of guidelines on ways to conform to rigid gender roles? I must know who is the author of these man laws? There is nothing more I want than to be defined by the negative traits of traditional masculinity, rather than be myself - a human!
I first seen this tag #manlawviolation on twitter via Dallas Cowboy running back Tashard Choice (@tchoice23). It is uncertain to me whether or not if he’s the one who originated it. Choice has somewhere around 40k followers, so needless to say he generated the tag rather quickly, and it peaked my interest.
To give you some examples of what negative traditional masculinity looks like, and a portrayal of strict gender policing I will share the following:
@EauLeDoet #manlawviolation Never offer to buy another man a milkshake
@CATDADDYEARL #manlawviolation two grown men living together..c’mon SUN
@All_Yall_Lying #manlawviolation Swinging your arms when you walk (that boy is gonna to be a sissy)
@bobleesswaggerss Just heard this Grown ass man ask another Grown Ass Man do he wanna do lunch 2mar!! #ManLawViolation!
@Jay_Denae No man should be calling a friend, male or female their ‘bestie’!! #ManLawViolation
@DMVExecutive Getting bossed by ur girl by any extent #ManLawViolation
And, lastly my favorite (because I do this) is from Tashard himself
@tchoice23 wanna give a s/o to the dudes that send smiley face texts to girls and give a kiss before they hang up #manlawviolation
If you have a twitter account you can check out this tag, and see many more examples of what is considered ‘unmanly’.
This type of prejudice against men who don’t conform to traditional socialization of masculinity creates gaps in the work toward equality. Qualities of a man should not be negatively defined by the words he has chosen to speak, acts of kindness he has shown toward another male, how he walks, and/or any other trait that doesn’t adhere to the ‘guy code’.
A lot of these illustrate the pure lack of tolerance by men (and women), for another man doing anything that is normally considered feminine. The implications to this would bring about the conclusion that women don’t equate to men, and men that do things that are seen in other’s perspective as feminine don’t equate to men either. When we compare what a man does to a woman, and in a demeaning way, we’re saying that the men being like women aren’t manly enough, and that women can’t be like men. In other words ‘women aren’t as good as men’.
Gender socialization of men affects other men as it does women. To create change in an environment engulfed with male privilege, sexism, and detrimental norms we have to start denouncing behaviors that perpetuate these ideas. We have to eradicate rigid gender roles, gender stereotypes, and gender policing!
Together we can make a difference! Step Up!
I first seen this tag #manlawviolation on twitter via Dallas Cowboy running back Tashard Choice (@tchoice23). It is uncertain to me whether or not if he’s the one who originated it. Choice has somewhere around 40k followers, so needless to say he generated the tag rather quickly, and it peaked my interest.
To give you some examples of what negative traditional masculinity looks like, and a portrayal of strict gender policing I will share the following:
@EauLeDoet #manlawviolation Never offer to buy another man a milkshake
@CATDADDYEARL #manlawviolation two grown men living together..c’mon SUN
@All_Yall_Lying #manlawviolation Swinging your arms when you walk (that boy is gonna to be a sissy)
@bobleesswaggerss Just heard this Grown ass man ask another Grown Ass Man do he wanna do lunch 2mar!! #ManLawViolation!
@Jay_Denae No man should be calling a friend, male or female their ‘bestie’!! #ManLawViolation
@DMVExecutive Getting bossed by ur girl by any extent #ManLawViolation
And, lastly my favorite (because I do this) is from Tashard himself
@tchoice23 wanna give a s/o to the dudes that send smiley face texts to girls and give a kiss before they hang up #manlawviolation
If you have a twitter account you can check out this tag, and see many more examples of what is considered ‘unmanly’.
This type of prejudice against men who don’t conform to traditional socialization of masculinity creates gaps in the work toward equality. Qualities of a man should not be negatively defined by the words he has chosen to speak, acts of kindness he has shown toward another male, how he walks, and/or any other trait that doesn’t adhere to the ‘guy code’.
A lot of these illustrate the pure lack of tolerance by men (and women), for another man doing anything that is normally considered feminine. The implications to this would bring about the conclusion that women don’t equate to men, and men that do things that are seen in other’s perspective as feminine don’t equate to men either. When we compare what a man does to a woman, and in a demeaning way, we’re saying that the men being like women aren’t manly enough, and that women can’t be like men. In other words ‘women aren’t as good as men’.
Gender socialization of men affects other men as it does women. To create change in an environment engulfed with male privilege, sexism, and detrimental norms we have to start denouncing behaviors that perpetuate these ideas. We have to eradicate rigid gender roles, gender stereotypes, and gender policing!
Together we can make a difference! Step Up!
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The Object.....Girl!
If you're reading this I think it would be a safe assumption on my part to say that you're not going to agree with what it says (whether male or female). And, frankly, that does not bother me one bit. However, I would like to ask you to read it, hear me out, and provide me with a rebuttal. If you agree...excellent!
Society focuses its production of norms in gender highly around the sexualization of women. We see it in TV, music videos, 'style', and even at a young age we ingrain the message that females appearance is their worth or value via beauty pageants, traditional feminine roles, etc. I explained the opposition to this socialization (for boys/men) in another note previously.
Patriarchy over the years has continuously dehumanized, and devalued women by making spectacles of their body. The female body has been objectified as another way to create profit. In other words women have been reduced to being a body, not a human. Contemporary times has given us the means of such things as pornography, Playboy, Hooters, etc, etc. All of these directed specifically toward the exploitation of women to increase revenue. For whose pleasure? It should be blatant.
When is the last time you've been to a restraunt that had men walking around shirtless (since that's an acceptable norm) or in scantily clad clothing? Or have seen a porn film that concentrated on the womans orgasm and/or didn't involve girl on girl? Also where the woman wasn't just a body to be f*cked in every orifice and used as a cum receptacle? Know of any magazines that have lasted half a century, profited billions, and featured center folds of naked men?
Women are the definition of human beauty. And, because so, this does include their body as a part of them; which is and can be breathtaking to the eye. We as humans should enjoy the beauty of men & women rather than exploit and take advantage of such. Women should be able to engage in sex as much as, and whenever they please. They should be able to pose in an artful way nude (by their own choice) to illustrate the beautiful nature of the female body. But when doing these things or taking on a role as waitress that is partially clothed (with conditions that are structured for profit and to reiterate their value as sex objects) we have to to recognize the negative consequences that it has on women as a whole by reinforcing a male privileged, male-centered, and male-entitled concept - patriarchy!
This note was inspired by current situation going on in Tyler. A chain is trying to open up here called Double D's and people in the city are fighting it. Normally, i'd be in opposition to the traditionalist, but not in this case. I do not support companies who seek to gain profit at the expense of women. This in no way promotes human well-being, and that is what I'm about!
You've got a mother, sister, and possibly even a daughter. You may even be a female yourself. How is it that anyone can say morally, respectfully, and/or honestly that they think that the perception in society of women as sex objects should be acceptable?
Society focuses its production of norms in gender highly around the sexualization of women. We see it in TV, music videos, 'style', and even at a young age we ingrain the message that females appearance is their worth or value via beauty pageants, traditional feminine roles, etc. I explained the opposition to this socialization (for boys/men) in another note previously.
Patriarchy over the years has continuously dehumanized, and devalued women by making spectacles of their body. The female body has been objectified as another way to create profit. In other words women have been reduced to being a body, not a human. Contemporary times has given us the means of such things as pornography, Playboy, Hooters, etc, etc. All of these directed specifically toward the exploitation of women to increase revenue. For whose pleasure? It should be blatant.
When is the last time you've been to a restraunt that had men walking around shirtless (since that's an acceptable norm) or in scantily clad clothing? Or have seen a porn film that concentrated on the womans orgasm and/or didn't involve girl on girl? Also where the woman wasn't just a body to be f*cked in every orifice and used as a cum receptacle? Know of any magazines that have lasted half a century, profited billions, and featured center folds of naked men?
Women are the definition of human beauty. And, because so, this does include their body as a part of them; which is and can be breathtaking to the eye. We as humans should enjoy the beauty of men & women rather than exploit and take advantage of such. Women should be able to engage in sex as much as, and whenever they please. They should be able to pose in an artful way nude (by their own choice) to illustrate the beautiful nature of the female body. But when doing these things or taking on a role as waitress that is partially clothed (with conditions that are structured for profit and to reiterate their value as sex objects) we have to to recognize the negative consequences that it has on women as a whole by reinforcing a male privileged, male-centered, and male-entitled concept - patriarchy!
This note was inspired by current situation going on in Tyler. A chain is trying to open up here called Double D's and people in the city are fighting it. Normally, i'd be in opposition to the traditionalist, but not in this case. I do not support companies who seek to gain profit at the expense of women. This in no way promotes human well-being, and that is what I'm about!
You've got a mother, sister, and possibly even a daughter. You may even be a female yourself. How is it that anyone can say morally, respectfully, and/or honestly that they think that the perception in society of women as sex objects should be acceptable?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Shifting Responsibility.
We live in a society where you have much emphasis on safety, self-protection, and responsibility for yourself. However, it seems that we do not require that same self-responsibility when it comes to holding perpetrators of sexual violence responsible or accountable. Society tends to believe collectively, especially in the eyes of law enforcement, that the perps time imprisoned is how they're being held responsible. Which, in some sense, is true.. Yet, this is after the fact.
Combine victims of sexual assault with this skewed perception of self-responsibility or lack there of, and readily in every case of not evident restraint (and even in those cases) the victim is who draws the most focus for being responsible. We all know the typical accusations of blame that people place on the victim (she was wearing a short skirt, she shouldn't have drank that much, she led him on, etc, etc, etc.). The one that probably is most destructive in my opinion is when they claim the victim "had a choice". "They chose to go to his room," "They chose to get drunk," or the latest, in the case of the 11-year-old raped in Cleveland, Tx "she chose to go that house with them boys". These fault implications are said in a manner of completely disregarding the fact that the perpetrator has a choice too. A choice, in which if is made right we don't even have anything to discuss! I think it's important to point out too that if the victim of a sexual assault is a male, the same victim-blaming tactics aren't constructed. Is this another, unfortunate, yet still plausible display of male privilege?
Society needs to begin making a more conscious effort of placing self-responsibility for ones actions on the perpetrators of those actions. Holding people to a responsibility of proper choice can aid in prevention of sexual violence. Does it matter if she wore a short skirt? No. Does it matter the victim was kissing a person's neck, and hand their hands inside of the other person's pants? No. When we place all of the focus on the victims, it shadows the behaviors by the perpetrators that need to be projected into the focal point of our discourse. Extremely problematic is this cycled perception by society that perpetrators need to have consequences, but it's still the victim who caused it. When we imply that perpetrators have no control over themselves we are leaving no room for hope of solving the problem. Sadly, the popular belief is there isn't any hope. Those of us that work in the field however, are not that passive and are well aware that this issue is not inevitable.
It’s simple. Stop. Blaming. The. Victim!
To reinforce the message that dress doesn’t matter, and sexual violence isn’t the victims fault; there are a number of “Slut Walks” going on around the nation. It began with some amazing women in Toronto, and is now spreading through the states. I just recently had seen a post for one that will be in Dallas on April 23rd, from 1-3 pm. http://www.pegasusnews.com/news/2011/apr/11/slut-walk-dallas-april-23/ Look for one near you, because it’s NEVER the victims fault!
Combine victims of sexual assault with this skewed perception of self-responsibility or lack there of, and readily in every case of not evident restraint (and even in those cases) the victim is who draws the most focus for being responsible. We all know the typical accusations of blame that people place on the victim (she was wearing a short skirt, she shouldn't have drank that much, she led him on, etc, etc, etc.). The one that probably is most destructive in my opinion is when they claim the victim "had a choice". "They chose to go to his room," "They chose to get drunk," or the latest, in the case of the 11-year-old raped in Cleveland, Tx "she chose to go that house with them boys". These fault implications are said in a manner of completely disregarding the fact that the perpetrator has a choice too. A choice, in which if is made right we don't even have anything to discuss! I think it's important to point out too that if the victim of a sexual assault is a male, the same victim-blaming tactics aren't constructed. Is this another, unfortunate, yet still plausible display of male privilege?
Society needs to begin making a more conscious effort of placing self-responsibility for ones actions on the perpetrators of those actions. Holding people to a responsibility of proper choice can aid in prevention of sexual violence. Does it matter if she wore a short skirt? No. Does it matter the victim was kissing a person's neck, and hand their hands inside of the other person's pants? No. When we place all of the focus on the victims, it shadows the behaviors by the perpetrators that need to be projected into the focal point of our discourse. Extremely problematic is this cycled perception by society that perpetrators need to have consequences, but it's still the victim who caused it. When we imply that perpetrators have no control over themselves we are leaving no room for hope of solving the problem. Sadly, the popular belief is there isn't any hope. Those of us that work in the field however, are not that passive and are well aware that this issue is not inevitable.
It’s simple. Stop. Blaming. The. Victim!
To reinforce the message that dress doesn’t matter, and sexual violence isn’t the victims fault; there are a number of “Slut Walks” going on around the nation. It began with some amazing women in Toronto, and is now spreading through the states. I just recently had seen a post for one that will be in Dallas on April 23rd, from 1-3 pm. http://www.pegasusnews.com/news/2011/apr/11/slut-walk-dallas-april-23/ Look for one near you, because it’s NEVER the victims fault!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Carleton Sexual Assault Centre & The Ally Project
As we all know Sexual Violence is a pervasive problem around the world! It doesn't exclude one country, just as it doesn't discriminate against a certain race, socioeconomic status, or person.
Social networking has become a vivid part of promoting, raising awareness, and just everyday life in the the movement to end sexual violence. I've gathered many excellent resources via social networking, have came in contact with, and have met some amazing allies that are doing tremendous work. Just recently (via Twitter) I connected with a woman named Julie Lalonde, who is a co-creator of The Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre. The Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre advocates on behalf of the voices of Carleton students to develop a student-run, university-funded, sustainable, and accessible Sexual Assault Centre (SAC) on Carleton University’s campus (http://carleton-sasc.ca/).
Julie, a profound activist, advocate, feminist, and voice for ending sexual violence & I crossed paths due to the "The Ally Project". The Ally Project is an initiative put together by the Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre. Check out their You Tube channel here: http://www.youtube.com/user/CoalitionforCU The Ally Project is calling out to all men, and non-gender identified peole to share their stories, and speak out against gender-based violence.
The Ally Project was the motivation & inspiration behind the launch of Step Up's "It's Time to Get Involved. Men. Speak. Out." Campaign for Sexaul Assault Awareness Month. We want to thank Julie, The Coaltion for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre & The Ally Project for their efforts in not only engaging men, but also setting an example, and being a leader to other organizations - including Step Up!
From child to adult, person to person. From city to city, state to state. From border to border, country to country. We're all in this together, and together we can make a difference! If you have a voice, it's time to use it. Step Up, and become an Ally!
Please submit your video's for "The Ally Project" here: coalitionforcarleton@gmail.com
Social networking has become a vivid part of promoting, raising awareness, and just everyday life in the the movement to end sexual violence. I've gathered many excellent resources via social networking, have came in contact with, and have met some amazing allies that are doing tremendous work. Just recently (via Twitter) I connected with a woman named Julie Lalonde, who is a co-creator of The Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre. The Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre advocates on behalf of the voices of Carleton students to develop a student-run, university-funded, sustainable, and accessible Sexual Assault Centre (SAC) on Carleton University’s campus (http://carleton-sasc.ca/).
Julie, a profound activist, advocate, feminist, and voice for ending sexual violence & I crossed paths due to the "The Ally Project". The Ally Project is an initiative put together by the Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre. Check out their You Tube channel here: http://www.youtube.com/user/CoalitionforCU The Ally Project is calling out to all men, and non-gender identified peole to share their stories, and speak out against gender-based violence.
The Ally Project was the motivation & inspiration behind the launch of Step Up's "It's Time to Get Involved. Men. Speak. Out." Campaign for Sexaul Assault Awareness Month. We want to thank Julie, The Coaltion for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre & The Ally Project for their efforts in not only engaging men, but also setting an example, and being a leader to other organizations - including Step Up!
From child to adult, person to person. From city to city, state to state. From border to border, country to country. We're all in this together, and together we can make a difference! If you have a voice, it's time to use it. Step Up, and become an Ally!
Please submit your video's for "The Ally Project" here: coalitionforcarleton@gmail.com
Monday, April 4, 2011
It's Time...to Get Involved! Men. Speak. Out.
As you may know April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month (SAAPM). This year's theme from the National Sexual Violence Resoure Center (nsvrc.org) is "It's Time to Get Involed!"
This theme correlates perfectly with the mission of Step Up, and the movement to prevent sexual violence. It is definitely time for Men to get involved in the prevention of sexual violence.
To promote this years NSVRC theme in conjunction with Sexaul Assault Awareness and Prevention Month; Step Up is engaging men to get involved with a 'Men Speak Out' campaign.
If you're a man who doesn't condone violence against women, and believes that we have a role to play in ending it; then please share with us your thoughts in a short video. It can be 20 seconds, or 5 minutes.
Please submit videos to StepUpAgainstViolence@hotmail.com Your video will be posted on Step Up's You Tube, Facebook, and Twitter. We will also use your videos to encourage other men to become involved in ending Sexual Violence. By speaking out, we're saying that we do not agree with behaviors that foster, and perpetuate sexual violence. Remember, silence = acceptance. Please use your voice!
"Every time a man's voice joins those of women in speaking out against rape, the world becomes safer for us all!" - MenCanStopRape.org
It's Time to Get Involed, Men! Together We Can Make A Difference! Step Up!
This theme correlates perfectly with the mission of Step Up, and the movement to prevent sexual violence. It is definitely time for Men to get involved in the prevention of sexual violence.
To promote this years NSVRC theme in conjunction with Sexaul Assault Awareness and Prevention Month; Step Up is engaging men to get involved with a 'Men Speak Out' campaign.
If you're a man who doesn't condone violence against women, and believes that we have a role to play in ending it; then please share with us your thoughts in a short video. It can be 20 seconds, or 5 minutes.
Please submit videos to StepUpAgainstViolence@hotmail.com Your video will be posted on Step Up's You Tube, Facebook, and Twitter. We will also use your videos to encourage other men to become involved in ending Sexual Violence. By speaking out, we're saying that we do not agree with behaviors that foster, and perpetuate sexual violence. Remember, silence = acceptance. Please use your voice!
"Every time a man's voice joins those of women in speaking out against rape, the world becomes safer for us all!" - MenCanStopRape.org
It's Time to Get Involed, Men! Together We Can Make A Difference! Step Up!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Bible & The Submission of Women
It's Sunday morning, and if you're a religious person you're most likely headed to Church. You arrive to hear a male preacher speak the word of your God. He recites many verses directly from the Bible, but let me ask this - does he ever address the misogynist or sexist ones? Do you ever address these personally? It's easy to pick & choose what verses from the Bible you believe apply to you.
For centuries the Bible has been the book or guide to life. People foster its meanings as a core to their beliefs. As a friend of mine, Melissa (daughter of a preacher) says "Most religious people can't think for themselves." I believe this statement is true when speaking in reference to codes of gender. Women are held inferior to men throughout the Bible and in society. When we're little we take on assumed roles in which we acquire by what we're taught. We see how other's around us act in different environments and adapt to fit this "norm." When things are normal to us, we are comfortable to the idea of how they exist in our lives. Therefore they go on without question.
Sexism runs rampant through the Bible; let me give you some examples.
"Women should remain silent in churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission..."1 Corinthians 14:34
1 Timothy 2: 11-12 "Let a woman learn in quietness with all subjection." "But I permit not a woman to teach, nor to have dominion over a man, but to be in quietness."
Oh did I mention misogyny as well?
Genesis 3:16 "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
Deuteronomy 22: 28-29 "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found" "Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." This passage is implying also that a woman is the property of her father, and she's less of a human because of being a victim of rape!
I could go on, but I assume you get the just of it. This idea of women not being equal to men has been deeply ingrained into the mind-set of a society that is ultimately based on religion and has been from the beginning. An idea that has led to us allowing women to be left with facing some of the most horrendous treatment from men. This skewed belief that is still imprinted into a lot of present day mind-sets has also led many women to follow this idea that they're not equal to men. Many of which probably don't even realize that they're in compliance, because it is so normal to them!
I do believe every one is entitled to their own beliefs. Everyone I believe also knows the difference between what's right, and what's wrong. So as a society we have to start questioning what's normal. Even in the most comfortable environments we occupy. We have to ask hard questions, and try to understand why we live in a society that is so tolerable to inequality, sexism, and violence.
To end violence, misogyny, sexism, and create equality for women it's going to take cultural change! So what does that mean when we live in a culture that is highly based on the Bible's teachings? Not saying this is the only cultural norm that needs redefining, but it is a big one.
J
For centuries the Bible has been the book or guide to life. People foster its meanings as a core to their beliefs. As a friend of mine, Melissa (daughter of a preacher) says "Most religious people can't think for themselves." I believe this statement is true when speaking in reference to codes of gender. Women are held inferior to men throughout the Bible and in society. When we're little we take on assumed roles in which we acquire by what we're taught. We see how other's around us act in different environments and adapt to fit this "norm." When things are normal to us, we are comfortable to the idea of how they exist in our lives. Therefore they go on without question.
Sexism runs rampant through the Bible; let me give you some examples.
"Women should remain silent in churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission..."1 Corinthians 14:34
1 Timothy 2: 11-12 "Let a woman learn in quietness with all subjection." "But I permit not a woman to teach, nor to have dominion over a man, but to be in quietness."
Oh did I mention misogyny as well?
Genesis 3:16 "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."
Deuteronomy 22: 28-29 "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found" "Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." This passage is implying also that a woman is the property of her father, and she's less of a human because of being a victim of rape!
I could go on, but I assume you get the just of it. This idea of women not being equal to men has been deeply ingrained into the mind-set of a society that is ultimately based on religion and has been from the beginning. An idea that has led to us allowing women to be left with facing some of the most horrendous treatment from men. This skewed belief that is still imprinted into a lot of present day mind-sets has also led many women to follow this idea that they're not equal to men. Many of which probably don't even realize that they're in compliance, because it is so normal to them!
I do believe every one is entitled to their own beliefs. Everyone I believe also knows the difference between what's right, and what's wrong. So as a society we have to start questioning what's normal. Even in the most comfortable environments we occupy. We have to ask hard questions, and try to understand why we live in a society that is so tolerable to inequality, sexism, and violence.
To end violence, misogyny, sexism, and create equality for women it's going to take cultural change! So what does that mean when we live in a culture that is highly based on the Bible's teachings? Not saying this is the only cultural norm that needs redefining, but it is a big one.
J
Thursday, August 19, 2010
"Hooking Up" - What Does It Mean and Who Does It Benefit?
It's completely more acceptable in today's society, and some say it's even taking the place of "dating." Or, maybe that it's even in hopes of creating something more. We have to ask why has it become more accepted for the gender that it's been so frowned upon for years. Primarily, I think because it's transformed to what the "dominant" gender desires and what is called upon for the other gender to fit in. Also, I believe it may have to do with a freedom that once wasn't possessed, and now is.
Men create bonds with other men and hold these bonds with seriousness. To maintain this bond, be one of the "guys," or be accepted it requires that you treat women in a certain way. If you don't treat women as less, as sexual objects, or as a convenience you don't get to keep a high status with the guys. Then you're considered soft, weak, or looked at as if something is wrong with you, because women don't deserve your respect - at least not as much as the guys do. A sure way to maintain a high status is by sleeping with as many females as possible.
Females also have pressures that come along with male bonding. If you don't befriend a guy in the manner that's parallel to the other guys - then you will not be accepted by the guys or even some females. Its like women have to walk a tight rope with their behaviors, because if they're too sexual - they're a slut. If they're not sexual enough, they're a prude or a lesbian. If they don't want to talk to you then they're a bitch or again a lesbian. I heard on the radio the other day the top 5 complaints women have about their boyfriends. They consisted of things such as, I wish he would spend more time with me, I wish he would be more affectionate, I wish he was more compassionate. I forgot the other two, but I think you get the picture. A guy can be all of these things a woman isn't supposed to be, and it's accepted without consequences.
I think girls realize (maybe not consciously; maybe conditioned to think so) that if they don't play by "guy rules," then they don't get to play at all. With the way girls are sexualized at a younger and younger age in today’s world it's easy for them to become more apt to believing their sexuality defines them or that it's all they have. It is certainly one of the only things that is important to most men. This idea coincides perfectly to the way men bond with men, and the way that women bond with men or men bond with women.
Now you throw in the vague phrase "hooking up," mainly used by the younger generation. Which I've heard defined as many different things ranging from a kiss to having sex. The main theme of the phrase though, is just that - anything from a kiss to having sex. As one girl states in Denice Ann Evans documentary, Spitting Game: The College Hook Up Culture, "It's just a night of meaningless sex." This phrase is an advantage for guys if they don't actually have sex. If a guy says, "Hey man I hooked up with [insert name] last night." Most likely he'll never be questioned about it, and it will be assumed that he had sex - not risking losing status. On the other hand, because of the strict gender codes women have to fit into no matter whether they're being critiqued by another female or by a male. If they say "Me and [insert name] hooked up last night." It can be assumed that it was only a kiss, so she isn't frowned upon for being promiscuous – maintaining her stereotypical subservient status.
"Hooking up" majority of the time involves alcohol. Usually, a guy feeding another girl drinks in hopes that he can get her drunk enough to sleep with him. In my field, we call that rape! Maybe she did consent, but legally, she's not in a coherent enough state of mind to actually be able to do so. So we have to wonder, is the hook up culture just correlating with the rape culture that already exist? It's hard enough for women to report rape as it is, but "hooking up" could essentially be creating blindness to the thought that it could be rape. If alcohol is involved it's a key component when it comes to women blaming themselves. So from this perspective, do we really just have a lot of rapist running around thinking that they "hooked up," and women not questioning it, because they think "it's just a night of meaningless sex?"
Male privilege is an element in victim-blaming that is ubiquitous. Men usually don't have any responsibility for their actions, and it comes down to blaming someone else first in hope that they don't have to be at all accountable. We live in a society that puts so much emphasis on the victim when it comes to sexual assaults. It is highly unlikely that anyone would spout out something like "he should not have been drinking that much, and went to the room with her." This is a statement that needs to start being said, because men should have just as much responsibility as women. Just as all of the other men around have a responsibility to intervene and keep him from going to the room.
Women, more than men seem to want a relationship. In the hook up culture, it seems that you "hook up" first, maybe in hopes of dating or just because it is what you wanted to do at the moment. Women (not all) I think feel with both dating and "hooking up" that they may become emotionally attached. Which guys fear (subconsciously or after the fact) "hooking up" sometimes for the simple reason women may become attached or start seeking a relationship. Men seem to value their own independence, just as they value independent women. If a guy thinks a girl will become clingy or is needy it's an immediate red flag, because majority of men aren't looking to settle down or ready for commitment. At least till later in life. In a study done by Carolyn Bradshaw at Madison University, the number of "hook ups" between men & women nearly doubled the number of first dates.
Insecurities can make you feel unwanted or unloved. Maybe "hook ups" are a void for filling those insecurities, like a quick fix to make you feel momentarily like you're wanted and loved. It's possible that people are so insecure about relationships that they only "hook up," because fear of failure. Let’s face it, I believe there's a lot more relationship worthy women then there are men. Only "hook up" worthy guys are a lot easier to come by, and that's what the majority of them would rather anyway.
Women are absolutely entitled to "hook up" with as many men as they want, and should not have to face scrutiny for doing so. Unfortunately though, they most likely will. Not only from men, but sometimes most harshly from other women. So we have to ask, who sets that standard for women? "A lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets!" A popular saying by guys confirms they really do want a woman who is "experienced," she’s just not supposed to be open about it. In reverse guys do not have to keep quiet about their sexual encounters, because they have no reason to.
By and large more women are finding ways to stop playing by "guy rules." This is great and is done by creating equality; which is the main fuel of feminism I believe.
In this I’m not saying a woman can't "hook up" and it just is that! What I am saying though is that ultimately "hooking up" benefits men from all aspects, even if it may benefit the woman for just a night.
Men create bonds with other men and hold these bonds with seriousness. To maintain this bond, be one of the "guys," or be accepted it requires that you treat women in a certain way. If you don't treat women as less, as sexual objects, or as a convenience you don't get to keep a high status with the guys. Then you're considered soft, weak, or looked at as if something is wrong with you, because women don't deserve your respect - at least not as much as the guys do. A sure way to maintain a high status is by sleeping with as many females as possible.
Females also have pressures that come along with male bonding. If you don't befriend a guy in the manner that's parallel to the other guys - then you will not be accepted by the guys or even some females. Its like women have to walk a tight rope with their behaviors, because if they're too sexual - they're a slut. If they're not sexual enough, they're a prude or a lesbian. If they don't want to talk to you then they're a bitch or again a lesbian. I heard on the radio the other day the top 5 complaints women have about their boyfriends. They consisted of things such as, I wish he would spend more time with me, I wish he would be more affectionate, I wish he was more compassionate. I forgot the other two, but I think you get the picture. A guy can be all of these things a woman isn't supposed to be, and it's accepted without consequences.
I think girls realize (maybe not consciously; maybe conditioned to think so) that if they don't play by "guy rules," then they don't get to play at all. With the way girls are sexualized at a younger and younger age in today’s world it's easy for them to become more apt to believing their sexuality defines them or that it's all they have. It is certainly one of the only things that is important to most men. This idea coincides perfectly to the way men bond with men, and the way that women bond with men or men bond with women.
Now you throw in the vague phrase "hooking up," mainly used by the younger generation. Which I've heard defined as many different things ranging from a kiss to having sex. The main theme of the phrase though, is just that - anything from a kiss to having sex. As one girl states in Denice Ann Evans documentary, Spitting Game: The College Hook Up Culture, "It's just a night of meaningless sex." This phrase is an advantage for guys if they don't actually have sex. If a guy says, "Hey man I hooked up with [insert name] last night." Most likely he'll never be questioned about it, and it will be assumed that he had sex - not risking losing status. On the other hand, because of the strict gender codes women have to fit into no matter whether they're being critiqued by another female or by a male. If they say "Me and [insert name] hooked up last night." It can be assumed that it was only a kiss, so she isn't frowned upon for being promiscuous – maintaining her stereotypical subservient status.
"Hooking up" majority of the time involves alcohol. Usually, a guy feeding another girl drinks in hopes that he can get her drunk enough to sleep with him. In my field, we call that rape! Maybe she did consent, but legally, she's not in a coherent enough state of mind to actually be able to do so. So we have to wonder, is the hook up culture just correlating with the rape culture that already exist? It's hard enough for women to report rape as it is, but "hooking up" could essentially be creating blindness to the thought that it could be rape. If alcohol is involved it's a key component when it comes to women blaming themselves. So from this perspective, do we really just have a lot of rapist running around thinking that they "hooked up," and women not questioning it, because they think "it's just a night of meaningless sex?"
Male privilege is an element in victim-blaming that is ubiquitous. Men usually don't have any responsibility for their actions, and it comes down to blaming someone else first in hope that they don't have to be at all accountable. We live in a society that puts so much emphasis on the victim when it comes to sexual assaults. It is highly unlikely that anyone would spout out something like "he should not have been drinking that much, and went to the room with her." This is a statement that needs to start being said, because men should have just as much responsibility as women. Just as all of the other men around have a responsibility to intervene and keep him from going to the room.
Women, more than men seem to want a relationship. In the hook up culture, it seems that you "hook up" first, maybe in hopes of dating or just because it is what you wanted to do at the moment. Women (not all) I think feel with both dating and "hooking up" that they may become emotionally attached. Which guys fear (subconsciously or after the fact) "hooking up" sometimes for the simple reason women may become attached or start seeking a relationship. Men seem to value their own independence, just as they value independent women. If a guy thinks a girl will become clingy or is needy it's an immediate red flag, because majority of men aren't looking to settle down or ready for commitment. At least till later in life. In a study done by Carolyn Bradshaw at Madison University, the number of "hook ups" between men & women nearly doubled the number of first dates.
Insecurities can make you feel unwanted or unloved. Maybe "hook ups" are a void for filling those insecurities, like a quick fix to make you feel momentarily like you're wanted and loved. It's possible that people are so insecure about relationships that they only "hook up," because fear of failure. Let’s face it, I believe there's a lot more relationship worthy women then there are men. Only "hook up" worthy guys are a lot easier to come by, and that's what the majority of them would rather anyway.
Women are absolutely entitled to "hook up" with as many men as they want, and should not have to face scrutiny for doing so. Unfortunately though, they most likely will. Not only from men, but sometimes most harshly from other women. So we have to ask, who sets that standard for women? "A lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets!" A popular saying by guys confirms they really do want a woman who is "experienced," she’s just not supposed to be open about it. In reverse guys do not have to keep quiet about their sexual encounters, because they have no reason to.
By and large more women are finding ways to stop playing by "guy rules." This is great and is done by creating equality; which is the main fuel of feminism I believe.
In this I’m not saying a woman can't "hook up" and it just is that! What I am saying though is that ultimately "hooking up" benefits men from all aspects, even if it may benefit the woman for just a night.
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