STEP UP

Manhood: A Course

2011-10-21T08:30:00.000-07:00

The quest of manhood requires an extensive training course; which can be given by many different instructors throughout your life. This course is very unique in that it never ends. You will receive many grades a long the way, most by way of pop quiz, but the one thing you’ll be relieved of in this life long process is a final exam.

A lot of people like to believe that age is something that defines a man. When a boy turns eighteen he’s old enough to go die for our country, so that makes him a man. Or the day a boy turns twenty-one, because he’s finally old enough to drink a beer. Others believe its responsibility, character, and/or values that define what a man is. Traditionalists usually hold to ideals of toughness, provider, or ‘head of household’ that gives you status as a real man. In college, your status as a man most likely depends on the amount of women you can have sex with, how much alcohol you can drink, and/or what fraternity you belong, sport you play, etc. In high school these are pretty much the same stipulations for male status minus the alcohol factor (although it can be included).

As being students of patriarchy, we become oblivious to our own work as the professor. We (men) play just as much of a role in grading other men as they do in grading us on how ‘manly’ we are. Society sets standards for men that are constantly performed for and by other men to equate a proper status quo of a ‘real man’. This is not something new to us as we enter into what the majority considers to be manhood, because we start getting messages about how to be a man when we are still only little boys. These messages teach us the privileges of trying to live up to said standards and the detriments if we don’t reach expectations. These messages also hinder us from flourishing into our full capacity as a human being.

This course is a life long course, because there is no concrete profile of a man that is exempt from having his masculinity challenged. And, a pop quiz can take place at anytime, and anywhere. In fact, challenging another’s manliness is a way for one to prove his status as a man. Adhering to strict definitions, and gender policing of the male role creates a divide between men and women. It also furthers a hyper-masculine ideology that fosters beliefs supportive of violence. This must change!

We focus as a society too much on trying to socialize a definition of a man. The emphasis placed on the difference in gender creates perceptions and ideals of one another that we are not alike, and therefore not equal. When we detach ourselves from the concept that a man has to be dominant, always in control, and unemotional we will prosper in the form of equality.

The goal and responsibility for us to produce an egalitarian society demands that we raise boys to be humans first. We must reinforce commonalities among women and men to cease the inferiority of women, and provide for them an environment that allows for equality for all.

Man Law Violation

2011-09-02T07:24:00.000-07:00

A Man Law Violation seems to be a phrase used when men don’t act accordingly to the ‘guy code’ or the unwritten rules of being a ‘man’. Who knew that you could pick up a book of guidelines on ways to conform to rigid gender roles? I must know who is the author of these man laws? There is nothing more I want than to be defined by the negative traits of traditional masculinity, rather than be myself - a human!

I first seen this tag #manlawviolation on twitter via Dallas Cowboy running back Tashard Choice (@tchoice23). It is uncertain to me whether or not if he’s the one who originated it. Choice has somewhere around 40k followers, so needless to say he generated the tag rather quickly, and it peaked my interest.

To give you some examples of what negative traditional masculinity looks like, and a portrayal of strict gender policing I will share the following:

@EauLeDoet #manlawviolation Never offer to buy another man a milkshake
@CATDADDYEARL #manlawviolation two grown men living together..c’mon SUN
@All_Yall_Lying #manlawviolation Swinging your arms when you walk (that boy is gonna to be a sissy)
@bobleesswaggerss Just heard this Grown ass man ask another Grown Ass Man do he wanna do lunch 2mar!! #ManLawViolation!
@Jay_Denae No man should be calling a friend, male or female their ‘bestie’!! #ManLawViolation
@DMVExecutive Getting bossed by ur girl by any extent #ManLawViolation

And, lastly my favorite (because I do this) is from Tashard himself
@tchoice23 wanna give a s/o to the dudes that send smiley face texts to girls and give a kiss before they hang up #manlawviolation

If you have a twitter account you can check out this tag, and see many more examples of what is considered ‘unmanly’.

This type of prejudice against men who don’t conform to traditional socialization of masculinity creates gaps in the work toward equality. Qualities of a man should not be negatively defined by the words he has chosen to speak, acts of kindness he has shown toward another male, how he walks, and/or any other trait that doesn’t adhere to the ‘guy code’.

A lot of these illustrate the pure lack of tolerance by men (and women), for another man doing anything that is normally considered feminine. The implications to this would bring about the conclusion that women don’t equate to men, and men that do things that are seen in other’s perspective as feminine don’t equate to men either. When we compare what a man does to a woman, and in a demeaning way, we’re saying that the men being like women aren’t manly enough, and that women can’t be like men. In other words ‘women aren’t as good as men’.

Gender socialization of men affects other men as it does women. To create change in an environment engulfed with male privilege, sexism, and detrimental norms we have to start denouncing behaviors that perpetuate these ideas. We have to eradicate rigid gender roles, gender stereotypes, and gender policing!

Together we can make a difference! Step Up!

The Object.....Girl!

2011-08-10T09:52:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this I think it would be a safe assumption on my part to say that you're not going to agree with what it says (whether male or female). And, frankly, that does not bother me one bit. However, I would like to ask you to read it, hear me out, and provide me with a rebuttal. If you agree...excellent!

Society focuses its production of norms in gender highly around the sexualization of women. We see it in TV, music videos, 'style', and even at a young age we ingrain the message that females appearance is their worth or value via beauty pageants, traditional feminine roles, etc. I explained the opposition to this socialization (for boys/men) in another note previously.

Patriarchy over the years has continuously dehumanized, and devalued women by making spectacles of their body. The female body has been objectified as another way to create profit. In other words women have been reduced to being a body, not a human. Contemporary times has given us the means of such things as pornography, Playboy, Hooters, etc, etc. All of these directed specifically toward the exploitation of women to increase revenue. For whose pleasure? It should be blatant.

When is the last time you've been to a restraunt that had men walking around shirtless (since that's an acceptable norm) or in scantily clad clothing? Or have seen a porn film that concentrated on the womans orgasm and/or didn't involve girl on girl? Also where the woman wasn't just a body to be f*cked in every orifice and used as a cum receptacle? Know of any magazines that have lasted half a century, profited billions, and featured center folds of naked men?

Women are the definition of human beauty. And, because so, this does include their body as a part of them; which is and can be breathtaking to the eye. We as humans should enjoy the beauty of men & women rather than exploit and take advantage of such. Women should be able to engage in sex as much as, and whenever they please. They should be able to pose in an artful way nude (by their own choice) to illustrate the beautiful nature of the female body. But when doing these things or taking on a role as waitress that is partially clothed (with conditions that are structured for profit and to reiterate their value as sex objects) we have to to recognize the negative consequences that it has on women as a whole by reinforcing a male privileged, male-centered, and male-entitled concept - patriarchy!

This note was inspired by current situation going on in Tyler. A chain is trying to open up here called Double D's and people in the city are fighting it. Normally, i'd be in opposition to the traditionalist, but not in this case. I do not support companies who seek to gain profit at the expense of women. This in no way promotes human well-being, and that is what I'm about!

You've got a mother, sister, and possibly even a daughter. You may even be a female yourself. How is it that anyone can say morally, respectfully, and/or honestly that they think that the perception in society of women as sex objects should be acceptable?

Shifting Responsibility.

2011-04-14T07:40:00.000-07:00

We live in a society where you have much emphasis on safety, self-protection, and responsibility for yourself. However, it seems that we do not require that same self-responsibility when it comes to holding perpetrators of sexual violence responsible or accountable. Society tends to believe collectively, especially in the eyes of law enforcement, that the perps time imprisoned is how they're being held responsible. Which, in some sense, is true.. Yet, this is after the fact.

Combine victims of sexual assault with this skewed perception of self-responsibility or lack there of, and readily in every case of not evident restraint (and even in those cases) the victim is who draws the most focus for being responsible. We all know the typical accusations of blame that people place on the victim (she was wearing a short skirt, she shouldn't have drank that much, she led him on, etc, etc, etc.). The one that probably is most destructive in my opinion is when they claim the victim "had a choice". "They chose to go to his room," "They chose to get drunk," or the latest, in the case of the 11-year-old raped in Cleveland, Tx "she chose to go that house with them boys". These fault implications are said in a manner of completely disregarding the fact that the perpetrator has a choice too. A choice, in which if is made right we don't even have anything to discuss! I think it's important to point out too that if the victim of a sexual assault is a male, the same victim-blaming tactics aren't constructed. Is this another, unfortunate, yet still plausible display of male privilege?

Society needs to begin making a more conscious effort of placing self-responsibility for ones actions on the perpetrators of those actions. Holding people to a responsibility of proper choice can aid in prevention of sexual violence. Does it matter if she wore a short skirt? No. Does it matter the victim was kissing a person's neck, and hand their hands inside of the other person's pants? No. When we place all of the focus on the victims, it shadows the behaviors by the perpetrators that need to be projected into the focal point of our discourse. Extremely problematic is this cycled perception by society that perpetrators need to have consequences, but it's still the victim who caused it. When we imply that perpetrators have no control over themselves we are leaving no room for hope of solving the problem. Sadly, the popular belief is there isn't any hope. Those of us that work in the field however, are not that passive and are well aware that this issue is not inevitable.

It’s simple. Stop. Blaming. The. Victim!

To reinforce the message that dress doesn’t matter, and sexual violence isn’t the victims fault; there are a number of “Slut Walks” going on around the nation. It began with some amazing women in Toronto, and is now spreading through the states. I just recently had seen a post for one that will be in Dallas on April 23rd, from 1-3 pm. http://www.pegasusnews.com/news/2011/apr/11/slut-walk-dallas-april-23/ Look for one near you, because it’s NEVER the victims fault!

Carleton Sexual Assault Centre & The Ally Project

2011-04-12T06:16:00.000-07:00

As we all know Sexual Violence is a pervasive problem around the world! It doesn't exclude one country, just as it doesn't discriminate against a certain race, socioeconomic status, or person.

Social networking has become a vivid part of promoting, raising awareness, and just everyday life in the the movement to end sexual violence. I've gathered many excellent resources via social networking, have came in contact with, and have met some amazing allies that are doing tremendous work. Just recently (via Twitter) I connected with a woman named Julie Lalonde, who is a co-creator of The Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre. The Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre advocates on behalf of the voices of Carleton students to develop a student-run, university-funded, sustainable, and accessible Sexual Assault Centre (SAC) on Carleton University’s campus (http://carleton-sasc.ca/).

Julie, a profound activist, advocate, feminist, and voice for ending sexual violence & I crossed paths due to the "The Ally Project". The Ally Project is an initiative put together by the Coalition for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre. Check out their You Tube channel here: http://www.youtube.com/user/CoalitionforCU The Ally Project is calling out to all men, and non-gender identified peole to share their stories, and speak out against gender-based violence.

The Ally Project was the motivation & inspiration behind the launch of Step Up's "It's Time to Get Involved. Men. Speak. Out." Campaign for Sexaul Assault Awareness Month. We want to thank Julie, The Coaltion for a Carleton Sexual Assault Centre & The Ally Project for their efforts in not only engaging men, but also setting an example, and being a leader to other organizations - including Step Up!

From child to adult, person to person. From city to city, state to state. From border to border, country to country. We're all in this together, and together we can make a difference! If you have a voice, it's time to use it. Step Up, and become an Ally!

Please submit your video's for "The Ally Project" here: coalitionforcarleton@gmail.com

It's Time...to Get Involved! Men. Speak. Out.

2011-04-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

As you may know April is Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month (SAAPM). This year's theme from the National Sexual Violence Resoure Center (nsvrc.org) is "It's Time to Get Involed!"

This theme correlates perfectly with the mission of Step Up, and the movement to prevent sexual violence. It is definitely time for Men to get involved in the prevention of sexual violence.

To promote this years NSVRC theme in conjunction with Sexaul Assault Awareness and Prevention Month; Step Up is engaging men to get involved with a 'Men Speak Out' campaign.

If you're a man who doesn't condone violence against women, and believes that we have a role to play in ending it; then please share with us your thoughts in a short video. It can be 20 seconds, or 5 minutes.

Please submit videos to StepUpAgainstViolence@hotmail.com Your video will be posted on Step Up's You Tube, Facebook, and Twitter. We will also use your videos to encourage other men to become involved in ending Sexual Violence. By speaking out, we're saying that we do not agree with behaviors that foster, and perpetuate sexual violence. Remember, silence = acceptance. Please use your voice!

"Every time a man's voice joins those of women in speaking out against rape, the world becomes safer for us all!" - MenCanStopRape.org

It's Time to Get Involed, Men! Together We Can Make A Difference! Step Up!

The Bible & The Submission of Women

2010-09-01T07:00:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday morning, and if you're a religious person you're most likely headed to Church. You arrive to hear a male preacher speak the word of your God. He recites many verses directly from the Bible, but let me ask this - does he ever address the misogynist or sexist ones? Do you ever address these personally? It's easy to pick & choose what verses from the Bible you believe apply to you.

For centuries the Bible has been the book or guide to life. People foster its meanings as a core to their beliefs. As a friend of mine, Melissa (daughter of a preacher) says "Most religious people can't think for themselves." I believe this statement is true when speaking in reference to codes of gender. Women are held inferior to men throughout the Bible and in society. When we're little we take on assumed roles in which we acquire by what we're taught. We see how other's around us act in different environments and adapt to fit this "norm." When things are normal to us, we are comfortable to the idea of how they exist in our lives. Therefore they go on without question.

Sexism runs rampant through the Bible; let me give you some examples.

"Women should remain silent in churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission..."1 Corinthians 14:34

1 Timothy 2: 11-12 "Let a woman learn in quietness with all subjection." "But I permit not a woman to teach, nor to have dominion over a man, but to be in quietness."

Oh did I mention misogyny as well?

Genesis 3:16 "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."

Deuteronomy 22: 28-29 "If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found" "Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days." This passage is implying also that a woman is the property of her father, and she's less of a human because of being a victim of rape!

I could go on, but I assume you get the just of it. This idea of women not being equal to men has been deeply ingrained into the mind-set of a society that is ultimately based on religion and has been from the beginning. An idea that has led to us allowing women to be left with facing some of the most horrendous treatment from men. This skewed belief that is still imprinted into a lot of present day mind-sets has also led many women to follow this idea that they're not equal to men. Many of which probably don't even realize that they're in compliance, because it is so normal to them!

I do believe every one is entitled to their own beliefs. Everyone I believe also knows the difference between what's right, and what's wrong. So as a society we have to start questioning what's normal. Even in the most comfortable environments we occupy. We have to ask hard questions, and try to understand why we live in a society that is so tolerable to inequality, sexism, and violence.

To end violence, misogyny, sexism, and create equality for women it's going to take cultural change! So what does that mean when we live in a culture that is highly based on the Bible's teachings? Not saying this is the only cultural norm that needs redefining, but it is a big one.

J

"Hooking Up" - What Does It Mean and Who Does It Benefit?

2010-08-19T06:42:00.000-07:00

It's completely more acceptable in today's society, and some say it's even taking the place of "dating." Or, maybe that it's even in hopes of creating something more. We have to ask why has it become more accepted for the gender that it's been so frowned upon for years. Primarily, I think because it's transformed to what the "dominant" gender desires and what is called upon for the other gender to fit in. Also, I believe it may have to do with a freedom that once wasn't possessed, and now is.

Men create bonds with other men and hold these bonds with seriousness. To maintain this bond, be one of the "guys," or be accepted it requires that you treat women in a certain way. If you don't treat women as less, as sexual objects, or as a convenience you don't get to keep a high status with the guys. Then you're considered soft, weak, or looked at as if something is wrong with you, because women don't deserve your respect - at least not as much as the guys do. A sure way to maintain a high status is by sleeping with as many females as possible.

Females also have pressures that come along with male bonding. If you don't befriend a guy in the manner that's parallel to the other guys - then you will not be accepted by the guys or even some females. Its like women have to walk a tight rope with their behaviors, because if they're too sexual - they're a slut. If they're not sexual enough, they're a prude or a lesbian. If they don't want to talk to you then they're a bitch or again a lesbian. I heard on the radio the other day the top 5 complaints women have about their boyfriends. They consisted of things such as, I wish he would spend more time with me, I wish he would be more affectionate, I wish he was more compassionate. I forgot the other two, but I think you get the picture. A guy can be all of these things a woman isn't supposed to be, and it's accepted without consequences.

I think girls realize (maybe not consciously; maybe conditioned to think so) that if they don't play by "guy rules," then they don't get to play at all. With the way girls are sexualized at a younger and younger age in today’s world it's easy for them to become more apt to believing their sexuality defines them or that it's all they have. It is certainly one of the only things that is important to most men. This idea coincides perfectly to the way men bond with men, and the way that women bond with men or men bond with women.

Now you throw in the vague phrase "hooking up," mainly used by the younger generation. Which I've heard defined as many different things ranging from a kiss to having sex. The main theme of the phrase though, is just that - anything from a kiss to having sex. As one girl states in Denice Ann Evans documentary, Spitting Game: The College Hook Up Culture, "It's just a night of meaningless sex." This phrase is an advantage for guys if they don't actually have sex. If a guy says, "Hey man I hooked up with [insert name] last night." Most likely he'll never be questioned about it, and it will be assumed that he had sex - not risking losing status. On the other hand, because of the strict gender codes women have to fit into no matter whether they're being critiqued by another female or by a male. If they say "Me and [insert name] hooked up last night." It can be assumed that it was only a kiss, so she isn't frowned upon for being promiscuous – maintaining her stereotypical subservient status.

"Hooking up" majority of the time involves alcohol. Usually, a guy feeding another girl drinks in hopes that he can get her drunk enough to sleep with him. In my field, we call that rape! Maybe she did consent, but legally, she's not in a coherent enough state of mind to actually be able to do so. So we have to wonder, is the hook up culture just correlating with the rape culture that already exist? It's hard enough for women to report rape as it is, but "hooking up" could essentially be creating blindness to the thought that it could be rape. If alcohol is involved it's a key component when it comes to women blaming themselves. So from this perspective, do we really just have a lot of rapist running around thinking that they "hooked up," and women not questioning it, because they think "it's just a night of meaningless sex?"

Male privilege is an element in victim-blaming that is ubiquitous. Men usually don't have any responsibility for their actions, and it comes down to blaming someone else first in hope that they don't have to be at all accountable. We live in a society that puts so much emphasis on the victim when it comes to sexual assaults. It is highly unlikely that anyone would spout out something like "he should not have been drinking that much, and went to the room with her." This is a statement that needs to start being said, because men should have just as much responsibility as women. Just as all of the other men around have a responsibility to intervene and keep him from going to the room.

Women, more than men seem to want a relationship. In the hook up culture, it seems that you "hook up" first, maybe in hopes of dating or just because it is what you wanted to do at the moment. Women (not all) I think feel with both dating and "hooking up" that they may become emotionally attached. Which guys fear (subconsciously or after the fact) "hooking up" sometimes for the simple reason women may become attached or start seeking a relationship. Men seem to value their own independence, just as they value independent women. If a guy thinks a girl will become clingy or is needy it's an immediate red flag, because majority of men aren't looking to settle down or ready for commitment. At least till later in life. In a study done by Carolyn Bradshaw at Madison University, the number of "hook ups" between men & women nearly doubled the number of first dates.

Insecurities can make you feel unwanted or unloved. Maybe "hook ups" are a void for filling those insecurities, like a quick fix to make you feel momentarily like you're wanted and loved. It's possible that people are so insecure about relationships that they only "hook up," because fear of failure. Let’s face it, I believe there's a lot more relationship worthy women then there are men. Only "hook up" worthy guys are a lot easier to come by, and that's what the majority of them would rather anyway.

Women are absolutely entitled to "hook up" with as many men as they want, and should not have to face scrutiny for doing so. Unfortunately though, they most likely will. Not only from men, but sometimes most harshly from other women. So we have to ask, who sets that standard for women? "A lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets!" A popular saying by guys confirms they really do want a woman who is "experienced," she’s just not supposed to be open about it. In reverse guys do not have to keep quiet about their sexual encounters, because they have no reason to.

By and large more women are finding ways to stop playing by "guy rules." This is great and is done by creating equality; which is the main fuel of feminism I believe.

In this I’m not saying a woman can't "hook up" and it just is that! What I am saying though is that ultimately "hooking up" benefits men from all aspects, even if it may benefit the woman for just a night.

"Boys Will Be Boys" If We Let Them!

2010-08-13T08:30:00.000-07:00

When boys are little they start conforming to the boundaries of masculinity fairly quick. They tease, they harass, they fight, they "joke" and ultimately, they bully. When boys turn into adults, if they do any of these things it is abuse and a crime. So we have to ask, why do so many people (including professionals) turn their head to these attitudes & behaviors and excuse it with a "boys will be boys" mentality.

Yesterday morning, I was listening to Dr. Laura Schlessinger on the radio. She takes calls from various people with many different issues, and answers questions they have for her. I have not listened to her on a regular basis, but she seems to be an extremely intelligent woman. She's written a few books, and her radio show is syndicated across the nation to "approximately 9 Million listeners weekly."

A man called in, and said that his son had been facing some problems with the other kids bullying him. (Not word for word) Here's how the conversation went...

Dr. Laura: What do you think your son is doing to be perceived as a target?
Caller: Well, he hangs out with some special needs kids and stands up for them if they're getting picked on.

First of all, as if it's his son's fault that he'd be bullied, because of certain vibes he gives off.

Dr. Laura: So what type of things are the other kids doing to your son?
Caller: They threw a ball and hit him in the back of the head when he wasn't looking. He fell down, and they all laughed and made fun of him. They were having some kind of party in his class, and one of the kids picked up the cool-whip and shoved it in his face.
Dr. Laura: Well, you know boys at that age are just going to do stuff like that!

As if she hadn't already got my blood flowing by implying it would be his son's fault for getting bullied in the first place. She proceeds to say the worst possible thing she could have said!! This is accepting the idea that boys are just going to be violent, abusive, and there's nothing we can do about it because that's just the way they are. Boys are not born violent - they become violent as a result of society and what they've been taught. I've not stated this boy's age for one, I don't think it's relevant and also I don't remember exactly - I just know he was in elementary. Wait, it gets better! So, what is her suggestion to fix all of this?

Dr. Laura: I suggest you put your son in karate so that way he can walk around with a stonger (more masculine) posture so other boys will be less likely to pick on him!

GAG! So she's suggesting to instill the already ingrained (in so many boys) "guise" or front that boys carry around not allowing them to show their emotions. Because it's what social norms about masculinity tell them they have to do, and if not, then get ridiculed, scrutinized, & abused. I'm not saying you shouldn't defend yourself if needed, but this idea is giving them a false sense of self, and hindering their ability of expression in any other form than that of violence.

We've got to get out of this traditonal way of thinking. It's misleading boys, but it is also perpetuating the acceptance of violence, abuse, and bullying. It became clear to me yesterday that it is also professionals we've got to extract this sort of negative belief system from. Especially, the ones who have such a broad audience of listeners who probably think that, "because she's a Dr, she knows what she's talking about."

As adults, it is our job to create an environment for our children where this sort of behavior is not acceptable, nor tolerated!

J

The conditioning of "No"

2010-07-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

“It’s a powerful word” says one female student. “It makes me angry” says another male student. I believe we can all relate to both of these statements regardless of our age or sex. As a society we have been brought up to simply reject the idea that we have to accept being told no!

Recently I attended a training by Ben Atherton-Zeman, an amazing male activist in the movement to end men’s violence against women. His program Voices Of Men (www.voicesofmen.org) puts emphasis on the word. He has a bumper sticker stating “No doesn’t equal Try Harder.” In his one act play, he uses a scene from Rocky where Adrian repeatedly has to tell Rocky no (verbally, with body language, etc.) and he just continues to try to persuade her to do what he wants.

This concept, that people can’t accept no for an answer has been lingering in my head for the past week now. I decided to discuss this in my session with some of the youth I speak to (ages 11-18) and that’s where the quotes in the first paragraph were taken from. When we’re young, no is probably one of the most common words used by our parents; while we’re learning what we can & can’t do and what’s right & what’s wrong. When we’re little, we learn very early how to start using manipulative techniques toward our parents to turn the so common “no” into a “yes” or “go ahead” or “fine, do what you want.” Children can be very persistent when it comes to getting something they want. It seems as though just a simple “no” can never be a sensible answer, because it’s always followed by a question of either “why?” or “why not?”

I believe we carry this process a long with us through the years, and some, may actually never rid it. Men, as many know, and this doesn’t apply to all – are extremely one track minded when it comes to interacting with women. I think the excitement of being physical with a female, in most cases, places men in a mind-set of doing “whatever it takes.” This is a selfish, harmful, and privileged way of thinking. If a man is trying to be intimate with a woman, and she says no (in any form) the initial response is to try to change her answer, instead of accepting it. Most men have been socialized uninterested in women, other than sexually, so much so that women’s voices become irrelavant to them. This is why it seems to me as though a woman’s answer to or denial of a man’s wants is so subtly ignored. Manipulation & coercion are very prevalent tactics used by men in situations as such to acquire their gratification of lust while maintaining power & control. If these common behaviors are used by men in this “whatever it takes” mind-set, imagine how the fear of rejection or being told “no” enhances this.

So I have to ask myself as a parent to a son, and as a man, do we start instilling this type of behavior in our children as discipline, without realizing the effects as they become boys & men?

J

Spitting Game: The College Hook-Up Culture

2010-05-24T06:54:00.000-07:00

www.collegehookupculture.com

What has created a culture of young adults that engage in frequent "hooking up" while in college? Is it Drugs? Alcohol? Normalized sexualization? Denice Ann Evans explores the answer to this question in her truly amazing and insightful award winning documentary by venturing into the minds of college age students, parents of students, and professionals. I highly recommend this to anyone that is an educator, has children that are in highschool or college, professionals, or basically anyone. Check it out here- (http://www.collegehookupculture.com/) watch clips, read about Denice and more!

College is a place where kids are leaving home for the first time; probably rarely explored the thought of being alone and utimately still searching to find themselves. College is a place where as stated in the documentary a place that is supposed to be fun, but also a time for learning, and in the new generation apparently a time for "hooking-up."

We have to ask ourselves, "Have we as a soceity created a breading ground for negative behaviors to infest the lives of our children?" What if it was said that "hooking-up" is just something that is becoming more of a norm and a part of this generations lifestyle? We have to look beyond this statement and investigate the root cause of this behavior. Which I believe is found in this documentary.

Please support the continued efforts of amazing people like Denice, in the journey to find answers and create a solution! Once again, go CHECK THIS DOCUMENTARY OUT!!! http://www.collegehookupcultur.com/ - It is amazing!!

From Denice herself, "Thanks for this great shout-out Jeremy! I appreciate the support so very much. I am offering my DVD at a special discounted rate to all your readers and FB friends & associates. If you could send this info. out or add to your post--that would be great! Anyone interested can just email me at: jhuefilms@gmail.com
"

Follow her on Twitter - @mshookupdoc

Like SPITTING GAME: The College Hook Up Culture on Facebook

Dallas Desire, Fooball for Women or Pleasure for Men?

2010-05-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

I recently came across a post on facebook by a someone who I consider family. It was a link to an interview of women that were trying out for a Women's football team, called Dallas Desire - awesome, right? This wasn't normal football though. While the women do wear shoulder pads & helments, it seems they are lacking the rest of their uniforms. No, they're not naked!

They are members of the Lingerie Football League, and the slogan is "True Fantasy Football." (http://www.lflus.com/) This is full contact football that women are playing literally in their underwear. Let's keep in mind that some of these games are played on astro turf! Ever had turf burn? Definition of Lingerie - Intimate apparel worn by women. So we've placed these women in their "intimate" night wear to be physical with each other, while being oppressed at the same time, for who? Not other women. When we place women in these environments to be exploited sexually they're perceived as less of humans, and what I mean by that is men tend to start viewing them as only sexual objects & that's almost always the first step to justifying violence against a person. For instance, strip clubs, men go there for the pleasure of a woman sexually but yet has not real connection or interest to her values as a person - it's all for instant gratification. While I know this isn't the same thing, we're placing these women into an arena of exactly what guys want, revert to the slogan "True Fantasy Football" - which the creators of this league coined and it's absolutely unintelligently brilliant - a bunch of partially clothed women playing what seems to be a vast majority of men's favorite sport and calling it a "fantasy."

So I pose the question, is this sport really for Women? How often, if at all, do you see sports containing men running around partially clothed (besides swimming) & participating in a physical contact sport? Society is tailored to men, and if anyone hasn't realized this then they're blind to the world around them. In everything women particpate they're sexualized in some manner, and objectified to extreme portions from the time they're little. For example- (http://www.cnbc.com/id/29721771/Beach_Volleyball_Ads_Could_Spike_Attendance) and the goal here isn't to get women to attend these sporting events! When is the last time you've seen men objectified or sexualized to get women to come to men's sporting events? When you mix the sexualization of these women with a physically violent sport it sends damaging messages to men that reinforce this skewed perception of women, but also perpetuates sexual violence! We see normalized sexual violence all the time in images, on TV, and now it's being put into real life.

People often, too often, ignore the influences soceity has on gender's in general, but specifically women. Everywhere you look a woman is being dehumanized & belittled sexually and into objects. So while I support women who want to plays sports, and believe that a woman has just as much right to do whatever a man does - I don't believe it should have to come down to the women's expense.

J

Jfallout1212@yahoo.com - Feel free to email me or leave comments

http://www.stepupagainstviolence.com/

The Pixel Project’s Voters’ Choice Campaign

2010-05-17T05:41:00.000-07:00

Step Up is a proud supporter and invites you to read this post from the Pixel Project, an innovative Web 2.0 effort to turbo-charge global awareness about violence against women while raising funds for WAO and NCADV. As an awareness raising partner of the Pixel Project, we are pleased to share this information with you.

The Pixel Project’s Voters’ Choice Campaign

In our last post we told you to check back her for some news on an exciting new Pixel Project campaign. Well, here it is.

As you know, we are raising funds for WAO and NCADV by selling pixels from our exclusive online mystery collage of male celebrity role models for US$1 each. This fundraiser is currently set to launch in October 2010. We have already photographed two wonderful men for our collage (a Nobel Laureate and a Pulitzer Prize winner), and now we are looking to add more.

Here’s where you come in. We have selected five exceptional male actors with strong family connections, a record of charitable work and no history of violence as candidates for our inclusion in our collage of male role models. Now we want the general public to decide who we should invite to participate in The Pixel Project.

All you need to do is visit our voting page here and click on your choice, sign the petition and then help us spread the word. http://www.petitionspot.com/profile/5325491/The_Pixel_Project/

The two actors with the most votes will be sent the voting results and the petition letter.

We strongly encourage you to add your name to the online petition that will be sent to the actors to ask them to participate as a male role model because they need to hear from all of us. The petition is being managed through http://www.petitionspot.com/

We have also set up five Facebook pages—one for each actor so you have a way of keeping up with the progress of the campaign and how your choice of male role model is faring in the polls. Tell all your friends and family to get behind their favourite actor and help us get to our goal of 20,000 votes for each celebrity.

Do we have your attention yet?

Good, because there’s more you need to know, like the names of the nominees! Here they are, with links to their Facebook pages:

• Alexander Skarsgard
• David Tennant
• Hugh Jackman
• Jake Gyllenhaal
• Will Smith

We’ll be following the campaign on The Pixel Project Facebook page and right here in our blog, so stay tuned.

Thanks for your help and support! Be sure to vote soon—the campaign ends on 17 June 2010!

Check out their webiste here http://www.thepixelproject.net/ or there is a link located to the right of this blog.

Vote Now! -http://www.petitionspot.com/profile/5325491/The_Pixel_Project/

The Process of "Stepping Out of the Box" through Imagery

2010-04-17T14:24:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken in August of, 2006 at Minute Maid Park in Houston. It was the first time i'd ever been there, but there was another first I got to witness as well - Andy Pettit's first career home run!

It was definitely a very male dominated atmosphere, and I went with 4 other males. If you notice my posture - it's upright, chest out, eyes straight into the camera, and no emotion on my face. Which to many would be considered the norm. I just reverted to looking through all my facebook friends and the majority of the pictures were very similar to this photo, in that there was hardly any expression on the faces of the men. Men are taught as they grow up not to express emotions or show feelings. There were also a couple with hands up in the air, and a couple of guys working out. There were only a few pictures of just guys that carried smiles, but the majority of the guys expressing any kind of joy, or emotion were accompanied by a female or a child. As Jackson Katz says, "being a so called "real man" you have to take on this "Tough Guise" in other words, you have to show the world only certain parts of yourself that the dominant culture has defined as manly"
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3exzMPT4nGI) - I would say especially if alone. I think it's so ingrained into the male mentality that when acting out this "tough guise" it is seldom consciously. Imagery plays a huge part on our perceptions of what it means to "be a man" growing up as a boy. It also portrays views of what norms are to be "a woman" to our little girls. Through various forms including TV, Magazines, Video's, Cell Phones, Computers, Advertisement, Games, etc.

I took this picture about two years later, I would say 6 months in on educating myself on traditional beliefs, attitudes, & behaviors about social norms and what it means to be a man & how these beliefs affect women. In this picture, I seem rather unsure of how to feel about myself. I had just dyed my hair, which typically isn't looked at as a "man" thing to do. Although, I starting dying my hair in high school. There is a little bit of expression trying to come out, but seems to cease at the point of uncertainty.
As a man, going against traditional beliefs of what it means to "be a man" can be a very difficult. Gender codes are rarely noticed until broken, then they get ridiculed to the extent that it's easier not to go against them. Whether suble or blatant conformity through imagery is very present, via gender display. If you notice in the picture that i'm in a more passive position; looking up at the camera & seemingly powerless; which would be considered a feminine pose by norms, although it's merely a photo.

This last photo was taken in the summer of 2009. As you can see I look quiet relaxed, have a smile on my face, and enjoying life. (Note: I was at a car show which had a dominant male popluation, and along with a male dominated atmosphere.)
The difference in this photo is that it's lacking the essential "guise" that seems to be incorporated into men and displayed in the first photo. With about two years of self-examination and making conscious change I can say I've stepped out of the traditional "man box" feeling like a complete different person. Trying to live up to traditional masculinity was a weight on my shoulders that I didn't even realize was accompanying me in everyday life. By stepping out of the box, it doesn't mean that you can't still participate in regular activities. Simply, just observe your behaviors, don't repress emotions, and don't accept other men's negative behaviors - especially towards women. If you watched the youtube video by Jackson Katz, (posted above) you're aware of what box I'm talking about stepping out of. Posture, could also be considered as a front that men may feel they have to put on. I think the most contempary term for it would be "hard." If you look in advertisements, the men's posture & poses mostly portray this same sort of "guise" no matter what form it takes place. (strong, assertive, dominant, powerfull, in control etc.)

Imagery can be beautiful, and often is. Whether home made photo's or picture in a magazine, the images they display can be wonderful to the eyes. We have to understand that images also have a damaging affects as well. We're often oblivious to the fact of images portraying negativity, because they're so normalized in society. So, I urge you - look past what you're actually looking at when it comes to images, specifically adverstisement and any imagery that sexualizes & objectifies women!

http://www.stepupagainstviolence.com/

"It's only Words"

2010-04-08T07:31:00.000-07:00

They can come from a fascinating verse in a song, or even the whole chorus. They can be a line out of a poem or in a movie that makes your heart melt, and sends a tingly feeling over your body. They can even be more influential with a beat in the background that makes your blood pump rapidly, and makes you want to jump up & down or throw your hands in the air. Sometimes, they even come from the person sitting beside you, and create chills that crawl down your arms, make your hairs stand up on the back of your neck, or even bring a tear to your eye.
A lot of people would say, they don't affect us though.

Whether coming from an everyday conversation, a book, magazine, TV, or the radio - words & lyrics are constantly being projected into our ears, and minds. The messages that are most common, or the most normalized are also the ones we tend filter into our subconscious and leave them to stagnate, or resurface only to make relative to a present conversation. This is something that we're aware of when brought to our attention, but how often do we actually acknowledge them? Many of us let these messages sit in our filters too long and acclimate to become a part of our traditional mind-set. When is the last time you cleaned out your filter, and started over fresh?

Words are extremely powerful, and I can't stress the importance of that enough. Kids and even adults hear messages through lyrics on a daily basis. Given the majority of this era's life function is based around music - at work, home, in the car, or even out in the backyard on a nice day. Now days, kids even bring their I-Pods & MP3 players too school! We all have that one song we could listen to a million times over, but have you ever actually analyzed it further than from the meaning only incorporated to your own personal? But, again - they're only words, right? That is what I hear a lot, and yes they are only words. It's only words in the Bible that a Pastor preaches to us weekly as well and look how much of an impact scripture has had on people's lives for generations. Words are a crucial component in the developement of our beliefs. It's only words that were said to the 13 yr old boy in North Texas, that led him to feel so self-worthless he would take his own life. If "it's only words" - then how are they doing so much damage, how can they have so much force and power, if "it's only words"? Just to note, I'm not claiming that one line of a song, book, or a scene in a movie is going lead to an immediate simulation or cause of any single form of violence, but they do perpetuate it.

As the messages portrayed by words are reinforced to us daily by whatever apparent resource - (parents, teachers, coaches, music, media, TV, etc.) we become numb too them or in reverse they can completely take over our mentality. They become accepted as norms and facilitate our attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors towards whatever message is being relayed. It's like we're immune to the negative affects of our own language when being sent in form of lyrics, videos, TV, movies, media, and even people. In music we hear men mostly talking about women in sexual and objectifying ways! The XM top 20 on 20, includes "Sexy B****, by David Guetta ft. Akon" "How Low Can You Go, by Ludacris" "Good Girls Go Bad, by Cobra Starship" just to name a few of the many contemporary songs available. (Not denouncing older music sends the same sort of messages) Find the lyrics to any of these songs and you'll see how men have completely devalued & dehumanized women into sexual objects with words. It’s become so prevelant that some women are conditioned to fall into this ploy that their sexuality is what they're defined by. Lets just hope you haven't had to endure the viewing of any these videos, because they display objectification & sexism that coincides with the lyrics to extremes, and aids hindering ones thought process by normalization. Every time we hear a negative or degrading statement about or to a women (or anything) it becomes more "normal" to us. The problem with it becoming normal is we become desensitized to it & therefore it has no meaning. Often we don't realize that the belittling, repetitious words still have the same effects on our perceptions towards Women in our society! Also, we must realize that if consciously or even unconsciously we make a degrading, derogatory, or dehumanizing statement too or about a women, it gives the message to other's that it's acceptable - even if it's in a joking manner! When we humorize these notions, it minimizes the severity of the problem and how our perceptions reflects our attitudes & behaviors.

The children growing up in our society are taught that this kind of behavior is what it means to "be a man" or "be a woman". Typically blame is placed somewhere else, and responsibility is not accepted by an individual for occurrences that take place, but has no correlation with their own lives. Reality is, if we allow other's to act with misogynistic or violent outburst in our presence and do not intervene - then we're complicit in the negative effects of that behavior, no matter what form it's in.

Roll With the Punches

2010-03-02T06:23:00.001-08:00

We hear it all the time, and i'm sure it's been around for before I was thought of. "Roll with the Punches" is a very common used phrase to say move a long and keep going forward, don't get off track or take what comes your way. Yes, i'm back on language if you've read any of my other blogs, but could it be a subtle way of saying "just accept the violence." Or stick with the abuse you're going through and move with it the best you can? It was said to me by a dear friend/co-worker just last week and bells went off in my head! I wasn't offended by it, or nor did I get mad but it triggered that internal alarm i've acquired for normalized grammar that is damaging. I've been to busy to write about it until now. "Roll with the punches" is used in many different circumstances, but it's mainly used as a motivational line to not quit or give up, and to keep going. When we acknowledge violence in our language, and normalize it by using it as a tool we create a minimized sense of it's actual severity. I don't want to roll with any punches, and nor should you! I'm not a boxer, but that's the only time I think anyone could be told this phrase and it be acceptable. There's so many alternatives in language that we can use to not desensitize society to violence; we just choose not too! It's the way we're conditioned, it's the way we're taught, etc, etc, etc. blah blah blah. It's a reoccuring cycle of nonsense that is produced in the masses and portrayed to our children and is reiterated by social norms, communities, and families. This is only a very, very, small fragment of the big picture, but it still makes you wonder- where does it end or how far will it go? So next time you're having a difficult time, and don't want to suffer or stay with the abuse that's being handed to you.. don't accept "Roll with the Punches"... You Roll with life, or roll with problems, roll with circumstances and find a positive way to move a long but don't ever "Roll with the Punches" no matter what situation it's given to you in!

Are you Willing?

2010-01-27T13:41:00.000-08:00

When we grow up we're structured to behave and act as to what is "normal" by perception of society! Who though, really is to decide what normal is? As we become older we try to fit in here or there because it's what everyone else is doing. Even if you considered yourself a leader, you still acted accordingly to how another person was.(whether you realized it or not) So, in a sense you're being controlled by society or peers- even though you make your own decisions. As a kid you're not mature enough to make always the most logical decisions- so you make them based on what you've been taught whether it be from parents, peers, or media. In a society where violence is prevelant in media and/or at school and very likely at home as well, you become desensitized to it. Social norms contribute vastly to the way we're raised. In a sense we're unconsciously controlled by it or in turn abused. When we go against norms; we're criticized because it's not what society wants us to be. I heard a country song just this past weekend where the artist recited " I don't dye my hair and I don't tan, because baby I'm still a Man" Well I dye my hair, and I tan - so whats that make me? A woman? See- society views tanning and dying hair as feminine. Although I watch football, drink beer, and still do guy things - because of social norms, people ( like the artist) would portray me as less of a man! As well as for all the men that stand up for violence against women. Because we show compassion for women we're looked at as weak, feminine, or gay. All this is due to what society see's as "normal". Why does everyone want to be like everyone else? "In order to be irreplacebale one must always be different" - So why can't all men stand up for violence against women, knowing that they all have women in their lives they care about. My perception is- the weak ones are the ones who are silent, because it's us who speak out that are under the most scrutiny from other men (and women). So to ALL Men I ask this- Are you willing to Step Up and be different?

Jeremy

Violence Made Acceptable, if by a man, says this Columnist

2010-01-15T13:25:00.000-08:00

If you're a sports fanatic and/or devoted to a certain team then you know the level of emotions that come a long with being a fan. You put your heart & soul in to three or so hours of happiness, joy, dissapointment, yelling, cheering, etc. For men, there's an additive of adrenaline you feel running through your veins as someone makes an amazing catch, or in reverse if a player missed a tackle, or the quaterback throws an interception. I can't speak for women, on this aspect of it. I know though, because as they say "I bleed blue & silver." I've been a HUGE Cowboys fan since before I was old enough to even understand the game. When is enough, enough though? I recently read an article that two Eagles fans attacked and assaulted a Woman wearing a Tony Romo shirt. (http://www.nbcdfw.com/blogs/blue-star/Eagles-Fans-Assault-Woman-in-Tony-Romo-Jersey-81256642.html ) Sadly, it didn't suprise me one bit after seeing how they repeatedly threw snow balls at Santa Clause (of all people) in a game previously in the year, and just knowing the reputation of these fans! What did suprise me though, is what was said in the aritcle! (written by a man)

"Physically assaulting another man for rooting for a different sports team is one thing, but a true gentleman never hits a lady"

Realistically, he's portraying the mind-set of the majority of men in society. Why is it though society see's it acceptable for a man to hit another man? A true Gentlemen wouldn't hit ANYONE!! Hence, "Gentle"! Saying that it's ok to hit another man is equivalent to saying that violence is acceptable! There's statements in the article taken from the woman assaulted, and it seems her attackers mistook her for a man, because her hair was tucked into her shirt. This in NO way justifies the actions of these two men! She closes her statement saying:

"When they saw my face, you could see the look on their faces change," she said.

The man who wrote the article begins the conclusion with this:

"What a heartwarming twist at the end"

Are you serious??? A woman was attacked by two men, but once they realized it was a woman they ran away and "looked shocked". How in the hell is that heartwarming?? Can someone please explain that to me? These two men mistakenly assaulted a woman wearing a Tony Romo SHIRT and when they realized it was a woman they were shocked and ran. To the writter, that makes this behavior acceptable? This is really disheartening! Not that it's coming from a man, but because it's being put into a news paper and displayed to tons & tons of other people to reinforce this idea of violence is tolerated as long as it's a man assaulting another man. Not to mention, this writter has not a bit of empathy for this woman who was attacked!!! Heartwarming? are you kidding me? ...pathetic ... ok i'm done!

Entitlement in Words

2009-12-04T07:31:00.000-08:00

For centuries men have had a sense of entitlement over women! I think it begins with the bible, as it states "Man should head the household." It also states "as he heads the church" I think the meaning of men heading the house has become very skewed in the sense it has been perceived they're suppose to "be in charge." This misconstrued belief of men being in charge contributes vastly to the entitlement men feel they have in the world, especially over women. All of this connects to the attitudes, behaviors, & beliefs of men about women, and is linked to violence towards women. A lot of people may find this part of my blog offensive, or take it personal because you feel I’m attacking Christians! This is NOT the case! To clarify, I’m not saying what the bible says causes violence against women. I am saying, that the misperception and how its meanings are taken out of context do help aid it. Do you know one of the most frequent places sexual assaults of children occur? Church! Anyway, men in whatever form- have taken their entitlement over women to extreme proportions over the years. It's definitely prevalent and most visible in main stream T.V., Music, and our everyday language. WORDS ARE POWERFUL! I can not stress the importance of that statement enough! All the "normal" b****, p****, h*, etc. These words are very belittling, and are used very commonly in men's everyday language. Especially when referring to other males to challenge or devalue their status as a man. These words and many others are ingrained in men's vocabulary and are accepted by society! This acceptance that it's ok to use degrading terms directed at women just reinforces male entitlement. "You throw like a girl"-"you hit like a girl"- "quit acting like a girl"-"stop bickering like a girl"-"you're crying like a little girl"-"quit whining like a girl" .... Ok I think you get the point! These "slogans" are constantly used to keep boys conformed to social norms. The message that is tagged a long with them though, is that if a boy does anything wrong he gets compared to a girl, and that boys shouldn't be compared to girls because boys are "better" This is the basic concept that our kids are taught, instead of the values of equality. So in this, I urge you to once again, examine your language! Critically examine the language of all your family & peers (especially men) and start creating change to bring about equality for women! Step Up!

Jeremy

Abuse

2009-11-24T14:07:00.000-08:00

It's very prevelant in present day, it has many differnt forms to which it is described. Hidding behind closed doors and open to the public, this has engulfed our society in a very negative way. Ruining lifes and destructing the path to the future for our childern, its cruel slience lingers in homes throughout the world.

Loud screaming, followed by sceaming cries; frightened and secluded it suffocates your mentalilty. Remarks out of anger transform into hatred or rejection, fueled by what lies deep within. Flowing consistantly through your veins, liquid poors in your stomach or a sharp needle peirces the skin. On a daily basis it's the dictator of your routine. The burning rush up your nose, and the sudden burst of engery. Horrified, because you're fighting for survival from the one you thought who loved you the most. Covering up purple swells from getting slapped open handed. The only time piece can be found is in isolation. Endless contribution to feelings of worhtlessness; it crawls through the mind, down to the heart, and into the soul. Without warning, a broke nose, a black eye. Held down unable to move, it takes advantage and uses force. Innoncent childern are scared for life and by this continuing the cycle.

The pain creates a feeling inside the stomach that can't be defined. Emotions are sky rocketed, leaving the mind to race with hopeless thoughts. Exhausted mentally and physically, it becomes in total control of every aspect. Trying to live with it is almost unberable, because it creates drama no matter what shape or form it's in. It will continue to destroy homes, childern, and lifes while remaining a thorn in the side of society..

When it comes to standing up for abuse, it can't be abused. It can be contained and slowly make progress in a postive direction. With the information there is today on every sort of abuse, a strong enough support, it can be overcome. Abuse in most cases is sort of swept under the rug, or not paid enough attention to. This creates alot of conflict with ending the cycle.

It's to common in today's world and is a controlable problem with the right amount of effort and proper amount of attention. The creator of the problem, is the ultimate solution to the problem itself. Abuse has been around for centuries, and will probably be around for the duration of our lifetime. Think of this though, you most likely know someone that is struggling with some form of abuse. Someone close, or just a co-worker, it's a person you know. Shame, embarrasment, fear, all make it difficult to talk about, although in most cases words are not needed.

Men Take A Stand!

2009-11-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

How can Men take a stand Against Violence Against Women?
Men’s attitudes and behaviors are shaped in powerful ways by their male peers. Men’s lives are also highly structured by relationships with other men. Violence against Women affects all men equally, because we all have women close to us- whether it’s our Mother, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Grandma, or close friend. Men have to become great examples in implementing nonviolent masculinity by practicing & teaching qualities and behaviors such as listening, empathy, and respect for Women a long with other Men & Boys. Men have to change the traditional acceptance of social norms and become allies to Women.

Ways Men can be an Ally:

• Learn how prevalent and pervasive Violence Against Women is
• Realize that “Violence Against Women” is a Men’s issue.
• Critically examine your own beliefs & attitudes towards Women and other Men & Boys.
• Earn trust from Women
• Seek advice from Women and Men in the Movement
• Accept responsibility to Step Up for Violence Against Women

Ways Men can take a Stand:

• Understand and believe that you’re not speaking out on behalf of Women, but because it affects and offends you as a Man.
• Hold other Men accountable for their actions
• Educate yourself and others on ways social structures contribute to violence
• SPEAK OUT EVERY CHANCE YOU GET.
• DO NOT fund companies that support sexism and the objectification of women.
• If you have a problem with violence towards women-be responsible and seek help.

Who needs to be involved?

• Every Man & Boy
• Men with Power (Preachers, Principals, Sherriff’s, Judges, Coach’s, Governor’s, Mayor’s)
• All of the Community (Church’s, Business’s, School’s, Organizations, Clubs)

Quotes-

- “First step to creating change is awareness” – Ted Rutherford
- “Not All men are the problem, but All men can be part of the solution”– Jeremy Flowers
- “If you choose to do nothing, it’s a choice with consequences” – Jackson Katz

Resources for Men:
www.StepUpAgainstViolence.com
www.Responsiblemen.net
www.JacksonKatz.com
www.acalltomen.com
www.menstoppingviolence.org
www.mencanstoprape.org
www.menagainstdv.org

"Young Men" or Boys

2009-11-04T10:53:00.001-08:00

"Young Men" today have a difficult time accepting responsibility. While in college or that age range, "youg men" are still learning what it is to be a man. Some of them still searching indefinitely for who they are, and how they're supposed to behave to be "one of the guys" The problem with this happening at this stage in life is that many of their core values are concrete, and extremely hard to change. "Young men" in todays society are not always open to new ideas, or opening up a new thought process, because they're "men" and what they think is "right" & "how it should be" and not to mention they have been conditioned their whole lives to believe this way. After giving a training to a group of college athletes, it was brought to a new level for me that "young men" can't accept responsibility for something they believe is not an issue for them. This is something I've known for a while, but it just really sunk in yesterday. Everytime I even mentioned that a man should be responsible for a behavior or action, the rebuttals immediately diverted the focus back to women. It was like victim-blaming, with a honeymoon stage. If she doesn't want to be raped she shouldn't wear that "short skirt" to get attention, but rape is wrong. I asked them, so is it her fault if she gets sexually assaulted and she's wearing a short skirt? The very first reply was - "If she's going to dress like trash, she's going to get treated like trash" It took everything I had to professionaly repsond to that statement! Many arguments were normal, but I guess, sadly expected from a group of "young men" A lot of the arguements were repetitive, majority of them ignorance, but every sinlge one shifted the responsibility back to women. We focus on bystanders in our presentation, and a lot of the bystander aspects play in to our audience as we're presenting. So I have to think, are these ignorant comments being vomited everywhere during the training just guys looking for other males acceptance- thinking that's what everyone else thinks, or is it actually their true beliefs. I understand they're under a lot of peer pressure and that's what we're trying to change. It's not easy being a male, in a room full of 50 other males and speaking out in opposition of what everyone else's traditional mind set is. So when I'm speaking i'm not actually even getting true feedback, because these guys are so engulfed by social norms, and not wanting to go against traditional beliefs that they will not speak out. Proof is, guys approaching me after it has ended and speaking to me- but had not said one word during it at all. So why do I put "young men" in quotes? What defines a "young man" or a man for that matter? Is it Maturity, Repsonsiblity, Accountability, Respect? In society we start refering to boys, as "young men" when they turn a certain age. Age doesn't define what a "young man" is! I believe in our society we still have a lot of boys that are in college or in that age range, but get labled as "young men" and therefore have falsified beliefs of what a man is supposed to be. (Along with MANY other factors-media,music,family,church's,etc) So this is why I quote "young men", because I believe many of the males society considers to be "young men" are boys that don't have the proper knowledge of what it really means to be a loving, caring, cognitive, respectable, responsible, & accountable man!... Something to ponder ...

Jeremy
11-4-09

A Challenge!

2009-11-04T06:04:00.000-08:00

Boys develope their core beliefs at a very young age, and by the time they reach college they're concrete. To embrace a way of thinking that differs from your traditional thought process is a difficult task. Although, the only thing in life that remains constant is change. If we could get "young men" to realize that growth comes from changing oneself, it would make our work a lot easier. It's not easy though, and it's extremely challenging to change the perception of a young man that has belittled & degraded women all of his life, because either he felt they're inferior or because he just thinks that's the way it's supposed to be. I like a challenge, life is a challenge and my work is definitely a challenge, but I love it. "When we accept tough jobs as a challenge to our ability and wade into them with joy and enthusiasm, miracles can happen."-(Arland Gilbert) The topic, Sexual Assault Prevention- the typical question, "If a women is wearing a short skirt, is it her fault if she gets raped?" Response- from a male law enforcement officer, "She has to have some responsibility" So I have to think this guy is responding from his beliefs & values, because he's a seasoned veteran. I tried explaining to him the difference in risk reduction, and prevention when he told me he tells his daughter "risk reduction tools" all the time. When I tried to clarify his techniques as risk reduction; I immediately got a defensive response of "that's prevention". It took a lot not to reply in a defensive or aggressive way back to him and instead try to describe to him that what he considered to be prevention, was wrong. Another response- "If she's dressing like that, then she wants the attention and shouldn't dress like that to prevent it" See a pattern? "It's the women's fault" is what was implied in basically all responses (every where I go) whether subtle or blatant, it's still diverting responsibility back to women. This is aiding the idea that this is just a women's issue. So what if she wants attention? Who at some point in their life hasn't wanted some form of attention from another person? That doesn't make it acceptable, because of the need or want for attention- that they should be subject to Sexual Assault. Now I get back to where I started- this portrays "men" have a consistent belief system throughout their lives. No matter what age it's established at it tends to stay. The question - how do we break this typical pattern of a mindset that is ingrained into men? The answer - I'm still working towards on a daily basis! Everyone has different theories, ideas, and even curriculum that say "this is how to do it." So until we all get on the same page, we as men (NOT ALL) are hindering each other, and the women we’re trying to help!

Jeremy

Opposite vs Other

2009-10-09T11:17:00.000-07:00

In our world today, people seem to think they're defined by their sex. So next time you're out, ask someone what they are and see if they don't respond with "I'm a guy" or "I'm a girl" or something to that affect, I think you get my drift. When first in foremost what are we before we're a male or a female? -We're Humans! When it boils down to it, we're all humans first. So as "humans" we should ALL be treated equal regardless of gender, because it's not a factor. Since we're all humans- Why do men refer to women, or women refer to men as the opposite sex? Sure we have opposite body parts, and different features. Other than body parts what's so opposite about us? Girls are emotional, and guys aren't? Society throws us into these categories as soon as we're born. "What are you having, a boy or a girl?" Then they further this separation of gender when they define us with colors! (Boys = Blue, Girls = Pink) We're conditioned to behave in these "boy" or "girl" ways not only by society, but by our parents, friends, teachers, and various different resources. There is subtle reinforcement everyday through some form of media, or in general living that tells boys and girls how they're supposed to act or behave. Why as a society do we place such a distance between boy & girls, when we're actually just them same. We all have to have the same supplements to survive, we all breathe the same air, We all have the same feelings, We all walk, talk, run, and jump the same. It's basically a pre-existing problem that is called Racism. So would we call this Genderism? Think about this, what has distancing characteristics of boys and girls done for us as a society relationship wise. It's created a sense of entitlement for males, and a sense of subordinacy for Women. I'm a strong believer in Language has a lot of power, and we need to reconstruct our everyday language to help create a change in social norms. So I'm writing this blog to proclaim that the "Other" gender will no longer be referred to as the "opposite" by me. I can't find much about us that is “opposite” and “other” leaves room for all the ways we're alike rather than different. Take some time to examine your own use of words and create a solution to make change. Changing the usage of words is an easy and powerful way to create change in gender difference! Think about it! Let's reduce violence in every way possible, no more demeaning, degrading words, and no more making something as serious as Violence or Sexual Assault funny! It normalizes it, and helps perpetuate the cycle. Be Positive, Be Cognitive, and Be Accountable! Step Up!

Jeremy
10-9-09

In Theory!

2009-08-25T06:09:00.001-07:00

In theory, Men are not accepted by their positive qualities, attributes or their accountability! Men are conformed through society to gain acceptance by the concept of being "a man". So the challenge is to get men to engage in changing this traditional acceptance of being "a man". Big task at hand!

I was walking down the sidewalk at school yesterday while I was on my phone txting, as usual lol! I was approaching a couple of bench's occupied with about 7 to 10 black men. As I passed I heard back-to-back comments "damn, look at that" .. "boy she don't know what I'd do to that" ..."i'd **** the **** out of her".. (Let me make something clear, I'm not discriminating or saying that white guys or any other race of male wouldn't have acted in the same manor.) So I stopped dead in my tracks, looked up and seen a girl walking about 10 or 15 feet infront of me with some low cut shorts on. I stood in my spot for about a little over a minute I would estimate, pondering if and what I should say. They didn't even acknowledge that I was there. Granted I was right in the center of them, and arms length away. They were to preoccupied gauking at the female walking infront of me. So I continued on my path, fustrated at the pathetic behaviors of these "men" and with myself for not saying anything. Why didn't I say anything? In reflection, (thinking like a man does)- I was totally out numbered and unanimously by a different race. It's a very intimidating scenario. Why do I or Men think like that? Because we think that the resolve to every and any conflict is violence. Which is completely the mind-set that i'm working to change. That doesn't justify me not saying anything, but I was so upset by their antics that it was probably best I didn't say anything, because it would have came out wrong. I walked on I felt sorry for the girl ahead hoping that she didn't hear any of those ignorant comments made. I wanted to ask her to make sure she didn't, but she had entered the building before me and by the time I did she was out of sight. So of course I felt even worse after that. In prevention we think intervene with our own safety in mind first. So, In theory was I acting with my own safety in mind first? Not taking action based on assumption that my intervening would have led to violence? I'm still contemplating my action, or lack there of and trying to come to a conclusion of whether it was right or wrong. At first glance, I think I'm in the wrong for not speaking out. Looking back, Im wondering if I did the right thing for the benefit of my safety (given it was probably a majority of hypermasculine young teens and early twenty-year-old kids).
Something I'm still battling with!....

Jeremy 8-25-09

"Ugly Truth"

2009-08-08T08:11:00.000-07:00

Went to the movies lastnight to watch the Ugly Truth. Had no Idea what it was about, heard it was hilarious and I aslo heard it wasn't any good. Well I got everything I didn't want to see thrown right in my face. It's the perfect display of how our society sees men & women's roles and how we accept them as they are. The gender roles were played to a perfect reflection of society and making lite of it by humorization doesn't set well with me. It shows us how normalized the behaviors of Men against women are and that people are so accepting of it that they don't realize the damage it does. It had a character in there that was a man who exploited women as not good for anything but sex, and feeding to the mens already skewed believe of women as only sexual objects. The movie was a perfect example to the perception of -men only think of women as sexual objects! So therefore to make lite of what we (us in the movement) are fighting to end just perpetuates this already corrupt thought process that it's normal for men to only lust and fantasize over women's bodies, because that's all they're good for! This whole acceptance, and desensitation plays a huge role one men's view of women and contributions to sexual violence. If men view women as sexual objects, or only good for sex then they feel that women "want" it, or they have the right to womens bodies. This idea feeds into victim blaming- "if she wouldn't have worn that, then that wouldn't have happened" Well if Men wouldn't think of women as sexual objects then what she's wearing is irrelevant and they wouldnt feel like "she was asking for it" ... btw ITS NEVER THE VICTIMS FAULT. Not to mention, this guy that exploits the women during the whole movie- is doing it because he's been betrayed by women! Therefore taking his actions against women, and making it their fault. Another way of showing how men do not hold themselves accountable for their actions or behaviors because they've become so accustom to blaming others!(women in this case).. Have you ever thought if you've been through a ton of girlfriends, that maybe you're the problem? Not the women! I mean, Hello! They also have the female character (which I loved in Grey's Anatomy - Izzy) playing for one guy, but falls for the other. They had her feeding into the Men's idea that Women are suppose to be subordinant and sexually convienant for them. She started out as a good girl an realizing this guys misogynistic traits, but in the end falling for him. Another portrayal of how "women only go for bad guys" - which completely destroys our whole socialization structure in relationships. Now i'm not denying that they hit the nail on the head with the portrayal of how our society views mens & womens roles, but they also contributed to the acceptance of them- the audience told me that as well by laughing at very inconvienant times. The more accepting and the more society keeps normalizing the behavior- the harder and longer it's going to be before we see a reduction in sexual violence or violence period.

A Rant...

2009-08-05T13:10:00.000-07:00

Day after day, I read many headlines. "Retired Police chief- Murder suicide" or "couple found dead by son- murder suicide" or "Shot Wife then shot self Murder-suicide" or "prosecutor seeks adult charges against 13yr old boy in child rape case" .. All of these acts of violence wether deadly domestic or sexual violence is committed by either Men or Boys! Everyday there's a headline or 10 that I can count on reading that a male in our society has committed another act of violence or abuse, against women and other men as well. What does this say to us as a society? What makes anyone think that we don't need to evaluate or restructure our daily techniques of teaching men & boys how to act, or behave. Who in their right mind can actually say that this isn't a issue that needs immediate attention. Deaths on a daily basis due to hypermasculine violent men. Rapes committed on a daily basis committed by hypermasculine violent men. Men are structured to have violent tendencies, be aggresive and internalize emotions. Otherwise, they're considered not to be "manly" and don't fit the "standard" of manhood qualities. Why is it that men don't realize that we're the ones leading this destructive violent nation and society that keeps reproducing rapist, murderers, & batterers? We've created such a corrupt system for victims that they can't even report without some sort of victim blaming. Either they feel they're the ones at fault, because they should've been more cautious, or shouldn't have worn that outfit, or shouldn't have said that certain thing to "lead him on" or "make him mad".. This is a FREE country, and we have FREEDOM of speach. The way people perceive things is irrelevant to factual meanings and actions taken based upon those perceptions. Male victims can't even come forward, because it's a "sign of weakness" and we will be perceived as less of a man. Just the other day I was doing a Law Enforcement training to some Cadets and one of the said "I can't just take someone pushing on me & pushing on me and provoking me" (speaking about a women).. So I asked him "Then what would you do?".. He couldn't respond... his silence spoke volumes to me. This is a fresh recruit into our Law Enforcement and his mind-set to solving violence, is to continue the violence till it has ceased. That makes me wonder if he'd even arrest a victim, if he was told by the batterer that they "were provoked" .. Why is this the unnoticed plaque? Is it really because it's easier to just ignore? If you saw what I saw everyday, read what I read everyday, then maybe you would understand how prevelant and pervasive this is. That's the majority of the problem- that most people are unaware, and the rest of it is people "just don't care". This is personal to all of us, wether you realize it or just want to ignore the fact. Someone you know and love is and/or has been affected by some form of abuse (verbal,mental,emotional,physical, or sexual)due to a male. They may not have talked about it, or may not feel they can. Us as a society have to come together as one to create awareness, restructuring of social norms, and what defines us as "men" to vastly contribute to reducing violence in our homes, school, streets, and across the world.

Sexual Assault- Idiocy

2009-08-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

So I ran across this article
http://ijo.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/53/4/454 Thanks to @preventconnect on twitter!

There was a study taken from 3 different colleges. It says:

"roughly 30% of the women and 12% of the men reported having been the victim of a sexual assault sometime in their lives. Of the assault victims, approximately 23% of both sexes stated that they had sexual intercourse with their assaulters on at least one subsequent occasion."

There's a lot of factors left out of this study! Were they drunk? If not, did they give consent? Were they coerced or manipulated? Anyway they go on in the article and say this:

"Female victims of a completed sexual assault were significantly more likely to continue being sexually active with their assailants than were female victims who managed to block the assault, while no such difference was found for male victims. This would imply that some men are using assaultive tactics to secure sex partners beyond a single sexual episode, thereby enhancing their potential reproductive success in evolutionary terms."Also, men who committed sexual assault reported having had more lifetime sex partners than did sexually experienced men with no sexual assault history. Overall, the idea that sexual assault is part of an evolved reproductive strategy is consistent with findings from this study."

Now this study was conducted by three men! Leave it to my gender to come up with this corrupted idea that "the idea of sexual assault is part of an evovled reproductive strategy" That statement is implying that Men rape to reproduce. That the only reason men commit sexual assaults would be to have kids! This is utterly ridiculous and makes me sick that someone would actually try to justify sexual assaults by calling it a "reproductive strategy" Do you think when "Joe" goes to the strip club and he's watching a nude girl dance around that he's thinking "yeah I'd like to reproduce with her" .. I mean maybe, but not literally! This theory is about the most narrow mindend and unrealistic one i've ever heard. There's so many other key factors involved that you have to take into account, such as structures of Men & Boys in the home, and socialization of Men & Boys as well! The "consistent" findings of this study are the same as every other study that i've seen. Men are the majority of perpetrators in Sexual Assaults, whether the victim is Male or Female!...

Jeremy

Men's Violence- through Language

2009-07-30T05:10:00.000-07:00

Today we live in a world where it's acceptable for "Men" to demean, degrade, and humiliate Women publicly on a daily basis. It's so common that it happens the majority of the time unconsciously with out the thought of reprecussions of words! Language is a huge part of society and the message it delivers can be the basic tool used in society that produces such misogynist men & boys! They are a product of media, music, & games that give the perception that it's ok to be violent- physically, verbally, and sexually towards women. We as Men are capable of reversing this hypermasculine & sexually driven culture of Men & Boys with a little bit more in depth analysis of the language we use. Words are very powerful, and they can be used both in negative and postive ways in society. Those are in the public eye/ear on a daily basis- Broadcasters, Dj's, T.V. Show host and News Anchors are the one we should critique most (other then ourselves) because they're the ones delivering the message to a wider range audience. We need to realize in this - i'm not saying because of something heard or said - its going to get an immediate reaction or simulation to the statement, comment, or action made. Every time we hear a negative degrading statement about or to a women it becomes more "normal" to us. The problem with it becoming normal to Men is we become desensitized to it! Therefore it has no meaning to us (men) and we (men) don't realize that the belittling everyday( B****, SL**, Etc) words still have the same hurtfull effects on Women in our society! Also, we must realize that if you consciously or even unconsciously make a degrading statement to or about a women, it gives the message to other Men that it's acceptable, and a norm! The boys that grow up in our society are taught that this kind of behavior is what it means to "be a man!" We typically want to point fingers and not accept responsibility for things that take place and have no correlation with our own lives. Reality is though, if we allow other Men to act with this kind of misogynistic behavior in our presence- then we're definitly complicit in the negative effects of that behavior. If you stand by in silence while there's a form of abuse happening (verbal or physical) then you're definitely responsible for holding that perpetrator accountable for his actions. A lot would think i'm being one-sided or denying women as perpetrators, which I'm not. The fact is- Majority of Violence is perpetrated by Men, whether it be against Women or other Men. So this is unanimously a Men's issue! Am I calling out my own gender? Yes! Especially if you're complicit by silence or perpetration in the acts of Violence Against Women. It's easy to set back and say "this doesn't affect me" or "i'm not that kind of guy, so it doesn't concern me" .. Well let me make it clear, it concerns ALL men in our society! We all have Women close to us, and we all have a repsonsibility to keep them safe. The sad reality is that one of them has been a victim of some form of abuse by a man- whether you know it or not! If you want to truly prove your "manhood" then do what's right, and Step Up and take a stand on Men's Violence Against Women!! http://www.stepupagainstviolence.com/

Jeremy

The Start of Something New!

2009-07-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

If you know me, then you know I like to write - especially if it's emotionally driven. So this is where i'll be doing my writing from now on. Follow me, or not. I promise there will be a lot of interesting things to come :)